What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Sex- How it’s a Compliment to Her

I love receiving emails from husbands who want to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage.

We find ways to measure if the relationship is getting better.

Here are 3 specific things he wishes ‘you’ knew.


1. He wants you to be there- mind body and soul

What are the signs that you’re not showing up in your mind? You may be checking your to-do list in your head. You’re thinking about activities with the kids or the family vacation, and you’re not really present. He wants you to focus on everything good about the two of you being together at that moment.

God has so many blessings for sexual intimacy in marriage. Being fully present has to happen to become ONE.

2. He wants you to know what you want.

Knowing what you want may have been in your taboo zone, but when you are not engaged with him it sends a message of rejection. When you don’t know your preference for the sensations that you like and the pleasure you want, it could be doing more harm than you are aware of.

If you’re not sure of what you like he is willing to explore with you and help you find out. 😉

3. He wants you to tell him

When you don’t tell him it’s like you’re assuming he’s a mind reader. That creates frustration which will also create distance. It works against you when you can’t tell him what you like. If telling him feels awkward you can always show him. You can take his hand and guide him while he’s touching you. You can show which parts of your body you want to be touched with a unique intensity and frequency.

You are the best teacher for him and you want to be the only teacher for him about your body.

When you can tell him what you like, it opens the door to exploring new things. You can talk about it and anticipate what it might feel like. You will bond through that experience.

But there’s sometimes an awkwardness with talking about sex.

It’s caused by the culture we live in (with taboos) and also the church circles may make it difficult. That’s why I wrote the books, Why can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex?

These books will help you understand your perception of sex. There’s even a template to help you share with your spouse what you want them to know about you. Check it out:

Buy Here

How is this a compliment, to hear what your husband wants in sex?

Watch it HERE!

The compliment is: he wants you and no one else. He chooses you again and again.

What request do you struggle with most: (Please share in the comments.)

Being fully present

Knowing what you like

Telling (and showing) what you like

Midlife Sex- 3 Ways the Changes are Good for Your Marriage

Midlife brings new issues to every area of life, including sexual intimacy in marriage. While this may feel unwanted it could be very good for you. Follow me as I share.

3 WAYS MIDLIFE SEX CHANGES ARE GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Acknowledge the issue

When you face the changes going on in your body, and realize there are challenges, concerns and unknowns, the situation is instantly better. You are NOT in denial. Instead, you are being intentional and proactive. That speaks new life and energy into your relationship.

WHEN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR OPTIONS AS ‘AGING OR NOT LIVING’, IT’S PRETTY EASY TO MAKE THE CHOICE.

Making the shift in your thoughts that aging is OK will help the process.

Acquiring new information decreases the unknown and reduces anxiety. Every issue is easier to face with less stress.

THERE ARE 5 COMMON PROBLEMS WOMEN FACE IN MIDLIFE SEX.

                1. Hormones fluctuate

Females encounter hormone changes their ENTIRE lives, from puberty forward. It includes monthly cycles, pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, and menopausal conditions like mood swings, hot flashes, and body sensitivity.

WHAT’S GREAT TO KNOW IS… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

SINCE THESE ISSUES ARE SO COMMON THERE ARE TREMENDOUS RESOURCES AVAILABLE.

2. Vaginal dryness and loss of elasticity

These concerns may require changes in your lubrication practice and positions for intercourse. 

                3. Physical stamina, strength and joint ease

You have to let your spouse know what feels good. You can both make adjustments so your comfort is considered.

                4. Decrease in sexual desire and arousal

Your husband needs to know what is going on in your body is NOT about him. Even though you will both face the concerns together, he doesn’t need to sense your different feelings as rejection.

                5. Body image

Midlife means your body doesn’t look the same as when you were 20. There will be age spots, wrinkles, and alternations in your skin texture. Again, being able to accept this part of your aging will help.

Some couples believe they will get closer because they’ve been together for a long time. Although that is a sweet sentiment, on the other hand, some couples say they grow apart over time.

LONGEVITY DOES NOT GUARANTEE CLOSENESS.

You need to be intentional while making choices about your relationship.

2. Work through the conflict

Learning how to process the issues, and draw closer to each other, will be a great strength for your marriage, at large. The midlife changes are a gift in disguise.

You could choose to get mad, tough, hard, resistant, and independent. If your reactions are based on fear, it will take you on a path that is not helpful.

YOU CAN CHOOSE A DIFFERENT PATH THAT WILL DRAW YOU CLOSER.

This path includes trusting, getting vulnerable and soft, and growing towards each other even when it feels scary.

THIS CHOICE MAKES YOU STRONGER.

3. Compare to your faith walk  

As Christians, we are told we’ll experience trials in this life. We have choices about how we invite God to walk with us. You can get mad at God about the trials and say, “This isn’t fair! Why did you let this happen?”

It comes down to either-

PUSH AWAY FROM GOD OR PRESS INTO GOD

Pressing into God looks like, “I don’t understand but I trust you”. When you partner with God, you bring all of His goodness to the situation.

John 15:15 shows how love is shared between God the Father and God the Son, Jesus. HE wants to invite us into that beautiful place of love, trust and leaning into one another, too.

SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE IS THE BEST MODEL ON EARTH…

of the powerful give and take and leaning into one another, as Jesus gave Himself for the church, in love.

Your faith walk is drawing on God and NOT doing things in your own strength. Your intimacy in marriage is also drawing on your spouse and doing things on your own.

It can be difficult to make the shift from fear-based choices to love-based choices. I created Step into the Powerful You to help with this. Please enjoy this Relationship Development Guide. 

FREE Download: step into the powerful you

Watch ALL of the Real Talk for Real Love here!

 Which midlife body change has impacted your life the most? Please share in the comments. Your story can be a resource for others.

How to be Sexually Confident in Your Marriage


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What do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have to do with sex?

Childhood often provides a time of hope and expectancy. That’s where curiosity, fun, and playfulness come alive. Have you ever thought of those same traits as being powerful and meaningful to your sex life?

A sense of hope and expectancy can supercharge your intimacy in marriage.

If you did not experience innocence and wonder as a child or if you are like 3 out of 4 women who have known sexual dysfunction, trauma and abuse as an adult, then you have a burden that may have stayed with you.

It may be time for an ‘un-learning’ and a ‘re-learning’. 

What does a new understanding of sex look like?

Part of your healing process is to see how God sees sex. It’s a gift HE has designed for you in marriage to enjoy and celebrate.

Look back at the creation story in Genesis. What God made, HE said is good. It has His stamp of approval.

Consider these 3 ways God sees sex as a GIFT.

1. God made us in His image

2. He made us as male and female

3. Sexual intimacy mirrors the Bridegroom with the Bride

His desire for you is to know and enjoy oneness in sexual intimacy in marriage!

Share in the comments how you keep playfulness alive in your marriage.

What’s “OK” for Your Married Sex Life?


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Do you struggle to know what’s ‘off-limits’ in your married sex life?

Most Christian couples want to honor God but it seems like there are gray areas in the Bible. How can they determine the specific activities that will be pleasurable and also within the scope of acceptable behavior?

There are 3 main questions to consider.

  1. Is it mutually agreed upon?

  2. Is it respectful for both spouses?

  3. Does it fall in line with Scriptural principles?

What about ‘press the envelope’ activities?

Although the Bible is very clear about “Thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28), there are lots activities not mentioned.

3 Taboo areas to discuss with your spouse are:

Learn guidelines to help you choose so both partners experience mutual satisfaction and respect.

What activities are you considering to add to your married sex life but you’re not sure how they fit with God’s guidelines? Please share in the comments.

Should Christians Talk about Sex?

When couples don’t talk about sex, shame stays alive. Parents unknowingly pass down their fears to their children. Those fears can shut down the conversation in the marriage, but also in the church. Hear specific ways Christians should talk about sex more in the home and the church.   

On this YouTube video, I explore 3 reasons Christians don’t talk about sex. It includes the role of your childhood family, the local church, and the #1 cause you might not be aware of. Share your answer in the comments: Why do Christians need to talk about sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos. 

5 Reasons Sex Might Be a Battlefield in Marriage


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Christian sexuality in marriage is more than two bodies coming together.

But what if you never got clear on what you wanted and you didn’t have a real conversation with your spouse about sex. Unrealistic expectations and myths about instant ‘good’ sex can be a big disappointment.

On my latest YouTube video, I explore 5 reasons sex might feel like a battle in your marriage. The biggest surprise is maybe you didn’t ask:

How does God see sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos.  

Enjoy watching Mary Whitman Ortiz – Christian Sex Education’s BOLD voice for freedom, pleasure and oneness. Say, “NO!” to the taboo and “YES!” to the gift!

Blocks to Sexual Intimacy in Christian Marriage


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You’re happily married and you love your spouse, but sex seems like a battle. Talking about sexual intimacy felt almost taboo in your church circles so now it’s awkward to bring it up. Even though you are a Christian and believe God made sexual intimacy in marriage a ‘good’ thing, you have a block.

On my latest YouTube video, I expose 4 mindsets that block Christian sexual intimacy in marriage. I should know. I experienced them all.

That’s why I became a Christian sex educator and relationship coach.

Catch it here! https://youtu.be/NGK_qCaNL2g

Learn tips to understand sex, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos.   

Enjoy watching Mary Whitman Ortiz – Christian Sex Education’s BOLD voice for freedom, pleasure and oneness. Say, “NO!” to the taboo and “YES!” to the gift!

How Hardships Change Relationships


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There are two sides to enduring hardship together.

Just sharing the same experience doesn’t automatically guarantee bonding. If you don’t openly express what’s going on inside of you, yet assume your spouse has the exact same perspective, you can wrongly attach deep feelings to them. Without joint, significant and mutual investment in the relationship, you may engage in a false intimacy.

This could surprise you tremendously, cause a huge disappointment and division, and leave you with greater hurt and loneliness.

To achieve a benefit from a shared hardship, intentional action must happen.

1. Identify your own feelings (fears, hopes, and authentic ebb and flow)

2. Share in a nurturing environment (free from belittling and full of trust)

3. Create acceptance for others to express (vulnerability and grace) 

You talk about what you are experiencing during the nitty-gritty, listening and welcoming your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and needs, also. Remember, their perspective will include new and different ideas.

The power of the bonding, though, happens when you recall these experiences on the OTHER side.

You verbalize the struggles, the choices, and the mishaps. There will be no reason to hide what didn’t go well, because it was already shared in the light.

When you bare your soul in a safe and secure relationship, you create a fierce union. Every ‘remember when’ story reinforces your past journey, present commitment and future trajectory. It’s more than words. It’s a testimony of your faith. It’s an alignment with heaven.

God is for your marriage.

You can co-create with Him by putting feet to His promise of blessing. Bring ‘oneness’ through one intentional and simple step of intimacy.    

Bust the Quarantine Crazies


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“2020 marks the highest spike in online learning.” Do you think that’s the headline we’ll read in a few years? 

Yes, we have some extra time and togetherness on our hands right now. It has a huge impact on your everyday life.  But, if you get caught up in the frenzy, you might re-waken past resentments. Or you could learn new relationship tools, and come out closer and stronger.

What you do determines your outcome.

Follow the learning trend. Get the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

Apply these tips:

1. It’s NOT about you.

Of course, your feelings and needs matter. What I’m saying is, when your spouse blows up over business closings, the stock market, or the kid’s homeschool stuff everywhere, that’s NOT a slam directed towards you. He is just releasing his anxiety in your direction. (You might be doing the same thing.)  

2. Their point counts.

You have a unique lens in which to see the world. So does your spouse. The things that upset them (hoarding TP), are just as valid as your own ideas. Give them space and affirm their concerns and worries. They will feel safer. This opens the door to even deeper and closer communication. 

3. Set a boundary.

Social Distancing is now a part of our new normal. It’s the perfect visual for emotional distancing. I’m not talking about self-protecting with walls. But not every need your spouse shares is up to you to fix. Choose what you receive and what you give (emotionally) based on levels of trust and respect.  

  

We can turn this situation around.

Genesis 50:20 highlights the story of Joseph and his brothers. He experienced many trials at their hands. They worried he would turn on them. Instead, He said, “what you meant for evil, God used for good.” We are looking for God’s goodness in the quarantine time.   

Your relationship CAN come out closer and stronger.  

Remember:

  • You don’t have to do this in your own strength.

  • God’s love is your source.

  • Draw on Him for Limitless Intimacy.   

Valentine’s Day Won”t Fix the Hurt in Your Marriage


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Don’t expect Valentine’s Day to fix your hurt!

Neither one of you can make-up for sharp words or walls built for self-protection by one dinner out or one array of flowers.

Pretending it didn’t happen (for that one day) is not reality either.

What you could say is: Hey, I know things aren’t great right now, but I still want to be with you. I want to make a place for ‘us’.

Then, agree on a time to have a talk about what’s going on – a different time than your Date Night.

It’s amazing how that simple act will diffuse anxiety and then you really can enjoy (at least a bit more) the expected Valentine’s Day activity.

Nobody is a mind-reader.

~You don’t know his fears (if what you see is anger).

~He doesn’t know your hurt (if what you show him is distance).

Your goal is NOT 💯 agreement.
Your goal is understanding.

Understanding only comes through connecting with intentional words and your whole person.

The good news is: you can be heard, understood and loved.

It just takes a willingness to heal and a commitment to learn communication skills.

God’s love is limitless. HE’ll walk you through every step.

To build connection in simple steps you can do daily, try the 30-Day Marriage Challenge. You can find in in the Free Resource section of my website https://marywhitmanortiz.com/books-and-resources

If you’d like more one-to-one support, the Love Sense Questionnaire and Coaching Session is amazing. I’m offering it as a Valentine’s Day Special Feb 19, 2020. Check that out here

https://marywhitmanortiz.com/love-sense-special

Remember, you can be heard, understood and loved.