5 Steps to De-Stress Your Holidays

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Are you done with feeling stuck like a 12 year-old when you go ‘home’ for the holidays?

All those family expectations, and roles we fall into, are draining. Somtimes it happens when we aren’t even aware of it. What if you didn’t have to get drawn into everyone else’s emotional chaos and you could choose how you wanted your family time to go?

You can.

De-Stress the Holidays

Here are 5 practical ways to maintain your peace and reclaim who you want to be.

  1. Practice daily self-care and check-in with your feelings.

    This could look like a five-minute step outside to get a deep breath and release tension. You have to be intentional and continue to validate what’s important to you. It’s okay to meet your own needs.

  2. Bust relationship triggers before they occur so they can’t derail you.

    This means you need to antiicpate Aunt Beth’s caring, but overly inquisitive interest in your love life. (See one-liners below.)

  3. Empower healthy boundaries for your time and energy.

    You don’t have to attend 3 dinners in one day. Even if your family doesn’t understand your new choices, you’re only responsible for you.

  4. Personalize ‘one-liner redirects’ to take the pressure off.

    Responses like, “Thanks for sharing.” “I’ll get back to you.” “What do you think I think about that?” will politely acknowledge the interaction but provide a way for you to not reveal any more than you are comfortable with.

  5. Create your own traditions that support your sense of happiness.

    The holidays (even if you’re going through a big transition) can still be a special time. Find little ways to capture meaningful moments.

Remember, being the authentic you is the best gift you can give yourself. And when you are at peace and fulfilled, that is the best gift you can give eveyone else.

Happy Holidays!

What if You Read ONE New Thing that Changed Your Life Forever?

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Have you ever read or heard something at ‘just the right time’ and it changed your life? 

This audio book did it for me and I hope the idea it sparked will change the lives of hundreds of thousands of women.  Want to hear more? 

My 24/7 mission is to make it easier for women to come forward for healing from sexual wounds.  I pray about this all the time and keep trying new ways to make the first step not so scary. I want women to see beyond the ache, the shame, the stuck lifestyle, and the loss of hope. I want them to know the ultimate healing and restoration that comes from being made new, and  fresh and beautiful through Father God’s love.  

And as I stood at my book table at last Saturday’s conference I saw how difficult it was for women to talk to me because I’m, you know, the ‘sex lady’. If they talk to me it means they have something to say to me. That’s a ‘duh’, but being associated with sex is a definite black/white issue with no gray.

So, that first step is a big one and they’re either ready or NOT ready. 

Usually, I have a couple of interactive boards for them to participate in. There are big questions like: “What brings you the most joy in your relationship?” “If you could put one fear about your relationship behind you, what is it?” These are great starters. Women use little sticky notes and post their answers all over the boards. But my table space was shared, so I wasn’t able to do that. That limited my display to my books.   

All around me vendors were engaging the crowd. Body butter, exchangeable-cover purses, exotic jewelry, flowy dresses… you name it. I was happy for them, of course, but still pondered…

what I could do.  

Then, Monday came and I was in the car for a four-hour road trip. Armed with a selection of snacks and audio books, I started my journey. Well, it didn’t take long to get into Joy Mangano’s story. I saw the movie “Joy” a couple of years ago and knew this book would be the real story.   

She emphasized two things about how she got to where she is today. First of all, from childhood up, she firmly believed- “My Voice Matters.”  Secondly, she was driven to “Make Lives Better”.

These points are foundational. 

As her story of triumph over so many “No’s” and scary obstacles continued, I felt a ROAR rising up within me. New purpose and determination surged inside of me. “Why Not Me?” “Why Can’t I also Come Up with an Amazing Idea?” 

So while rolling down the green landscape of the very-much-still-summer Florida highway, things began to click for me.

My Amazing Idea

A. I want to make it easier for women to take that first step.

B. What if there was something beautiful and intriguing they could do or buy, as evidence of a commitment to themselves to make the journey?   

Hmmm…. And then it happened. 

I have another friend who represents artisans all over the world who are survivors of human trafficking. She buys their products, resells them, and puts the money back into their lives. It’s an amazing! https://thescarletthreadstore.com/    

I had previously talked to her and knew she had artisans who made pieces that were similar to my logo- the infinity hearts. But now I’m thinking… wait a minute, what if… that double heart had a unique and specific meaning? What if it meant… “I value my heart and choose to stand up for myself AND I choose to receive Father God’s love (honor, beauty and wholeness).”  

The two hearts mean- “Love Your Heart. Receive God’s Heart.” 

It’s still in the brainstorming stage, but I’m super pumped. I’ll need to get the exact phrase and marketing piece together, but this could be such a beautiful gift. An inspiring way to give life to yourself.  

When a woman chooses to love her heart (by standing up even through the pain of a sexual wound)  and partner with ALL of Father God’s restoration and transformation… she has her identity, dignity and destiny back. She’s now among the living again.

That, says, “My Voice Matters. My Life is Better.” 

Please stay with me and follow this story to see how many captives we can set free and doors we can open.  It’s time for NO women to remain in her place of sexual wounds.

It’s time for #FreedomNow!

Frustrated Wife Disease and the 3 Mindset Shifts You Need to Overcome it and Get Powerful in Loving You

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If you’re breathing and alive on this planet, frustrations are a given, but sometimes there is a situation where they escalate and need immediate attention. Could that be you in your marriage?

 

What is Frustrated Wife Disease?

1. Not receiving the personalized love and attention you want (includes romance)

2. Being uncomfortable with sexual expectations (in marriage) because of lack of emotional connection

3. Giving up hope he will change or ever do anything different than what you’ve always known

 

Does that ring a bell?

 

Sure, these are legit bummers. As wives, we do have dreams, images of beautiful marriages, and expectations for certain behaviors. But do you know what I noticed? All of those frustrations are about him, his actions (or lack of), and his perceived mindset. Hmmm…

 

Can you control him or his actions… like even one little thing?

 

That would be a “NO!” He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for you. So what can you do?

 

Here’s what you have control over. Here’s what you can do:

1. Act on your choice.

Your choice is either being power-ful or power-less. That’s right. You either choose to control yourself or choose to let others control you. It’s a head-scratcher, I know, but hang with me.

2. Know what you want and how to ask for it.

Does this seem like a ‘no brainer’? “Of course I know what I want!!” But sometimes we let our emotions get in the driver’s seat and take control, to the point that the issue is clouded and we don’t know what the problem really is or what we want to be different. And even after all of that we need to know how to put into words he will get… to stop an argument even before it happens. Yesindeedy, the plot thickens. There is more depth to this idea than meets the eye.

3. Face the problem.

When you gain truth about where your relationship really is (not just where you are hurt, or think he is wrong, or the what ‘always’ happens) then, and only then, can you find a specific solution. That will build trust and vulnerability, which leads to intimacy- both emotional and sexual.

 

Look at that!! You are so powerful! You can truly impact your marriage right where you are, regardless on ‘him’. Now, I’m not saying husbands should do nothing, but if you are only waiting on him to make the difference in your marriage, well, you have given away your power.

 

When is it ever a good idea to give away your power?

 

Exactly! The answer is… NEVER.

 

So, if you are on board for becoming more powerful in who you are, then I have the most perfect program for you. It’s called “Healed and Happy Intimacy in Marriage”. I will help you to-

~Heal your heart from past sexual wounds and lies

~See your identity in God (loving yourself through His eyes)

~Create a plan to share ‘you’ and grow the understanding in your marriage

 

Wowser! That’s amazing! But there’s more.

 

I’m offering this at an Introductory price- 50% OFF- the regular price of $497.

For a spectacular $247 you get:

~4-weeks Healed & Happy Intimacy in Marriage program

~ (4) 1-hour private sessions

~4 weeks of communication and relationship skills, specific to where you are RIGHT NOW

~4 weeks of unlimited email access, for those urgent “Yikes!” moments when you want to keep your new skills fresh in the midst of… you guessed it, Frustration

 

So, what are you waiting for? Sign-Ups begin on Oct 4. There are only 5 spots.

Let’s set-up a call so you find out how this will meet what you want now. Plus, as a bonus, I’ll give you a Self-Value & Peace Growing Tool to help you TODAY!

And… I have Payment Plans.

Sign up for a call here:    https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session       

  

#metoo Discovery on a Bike Ride

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Can You See the Light at the End of the Tunnel?

That question took on new meaning for me last week. I was up in the mountains of Montana on the Hiawatha Bike Trail. The views were spectacular. The weather conditions, perfect.  I’d been on the trail before, a few years ago, so I gave hardly a thought to the preparations, plus, I was going with a large and well-equipped group.

But, there were several things I had not taken into consideration.

My helmet didn’t fit well. I had not gotten used to the gears on this rental bike. I’d experienced a broken ankle and 5 months of not walking since my last bike trip here.

Why do I bring this up and how does it fit into a ‘sex and intimacy’ themed coaching? Stay with me to find out.

The first of the 9 tunnels, on the 15-mile trail, was 1.6 miles long. Pretty impressive. The idea of it certainly charged me up. (I’ve been known to do a few challenging things in my career, like direct a ropes course 40 feet in the air, in both KY and CO.) But for the most part, I was motivated by the opportunity of a change of pace and scenery to gain a fresh perspective on what God was speaking to my heart.

Shortly into the tunnel, things were going okay. I was with a small group of riders. I could hear their cheerful voices and see the overshot light of their headlamps. I acclimated to the darkness. It felt cool with the drips of condensation falling on my arms, and a bit thrilling to ride into the ‘unknown’.

But minutes later something different happened.

The group pulled ahead of me. I realized my own headlamp was not pointed directly in front. My vision became obstructed by the dimness. Then, I noticed the road not only had potholes in the gravel but also, it wasn’t flat. The center was a bit mounded. It sloped down on both sides to an edge with an 18” concrete drop off, to collect the dripping water and rain flow if it occurred.

Are you getting the picture of where I might be going with this now?

As I rode on, the nagging thoughts about my limited vision, uneven pedaling (due to the poorly adjusted gears), and realization of no place to pull over to realign, finally got to me. I began to lose my balance, drift down the sloping side, then overcorrect with the handlebars, which made everything worse. I picked up speed, zigzagged towards the side and thought, “Oh, my gosh! I’m gonna crash right here in the worst possible place for me AND everybody else behind me still riding this way.”  This went on for a short eternity. Back and forth, jiggling and bumping over the gravel, in the dimness.  At the last possible second, I put my foot down and caught myself before skidding into the concrete drop off.  I was relieved to not crash, but I was still in the tunnel, still in the darkness, and now my adrenaline was soaring. I felt even more encumbered.

How on earth was I gonna make it all the way through?

My plan of action was to slow down and just do what I could do. Thankfully, the next small group of riders came up and one of the guys went in front of me and shone their light. Whew! There was another wave of relief, but I still could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, figuratively or literally.

I began to pray silently and try to relax.

I knew my tension was not making anything any easier. And, I kept pedaling. As much as I wanted it all to stop immediately, as much as I was slightly embarrassed and still slightly afraid, I had to keep on going. In my head, the tunnel had to end at some point, if I could just keep going.

And then it happened.

Way in the distance, the light began to appear. I was instantly encouraged. Truly, I could see the tiniest bit of daylight peeking through. I couldn’t take my eyes off the dimly lit gravel path in front of me, but I was aware the light was there. It was such an encouragement.

What followed next though, caught me by surprise the most.

As the light grew, and the outline of other riders began to be more noticeable I thought it would all be over ASAP. With every rotation of the pedal, I thought surely we are there now, but it wasn’t so at all. One of the riders nearby called out, “Halfway mark!” and my heart sank. I was not out of the dark yet. Even though I could see the light, even though I had people around me, and even though I knew daylight and safety awaited me, I still had more work to do… mostly in my head, but also compelling my body forward, to ride that final stretch.  

And, so I did.

I came out the other side. Took some pictures, got a drink of water, adjusted my helmet and my gears and began the rest of the ride, enjoying the stunning evergreen vistas and waterfalls.

But there’s one more part to my story, which will explain the whole reason I share this experience.

After dinner that night, we met with friends to recap the day. Everyone was telling their best stories and the mood was light. I didn’t want to be a downer for the scene, but I did want to lightly reflect on my thoughts. I described that first tunnel (I had to ride through 8 more, but none of the subsequent tunnels were as long or precarious). I spoke of my surprise about traversing the mounded gravel road, in the dark with poorly adjusted gears and helmet, and how it had been more of a challenge than I wanted or expected.

And here’s where the beautiful ‘ah-ha’ moment took place.

My friend, who had also been on the trail with me, said, “I didn’t know you were experiencing that, too. I thought it was just me.”  And right then and there, each one of us was validated and supported. Our thoughts and feelings were honored and affirmed. She knew she wasn’t the only one.

This was the best kind of #metoo.

Here’s my point- the paths we take in life are sometimes not what we wanted or expected. Especially in regards to sex and intimacy, there can be slippery slopes, and long patches of darkness, plus the feeling of not being able to do anything but KEEP ON GOING. And though we know in our head that it’s just a season, there will be light at the end somehow, still,

...we have to keep on going.

So, for any woman who reads this, you don’t have to stay in that scary and uncertain place of darkness, sexually.

~If you’ve experienced belittling, manipulation, or distorted views about intimacy (even through the church) this is your light at the end of the tunnel.  

~If you’ve never been comfortable sharing what’s going on in your marriage, even though you know it’s just not right, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

~If you’ve had sexual abuse or trauma in your past and it feels like you just can’t get over it, but you want to, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s my story, too.

God restored my heart and brought me to a place of happy and healthy relational intimacy. HE can do that for you, as well. I can ‘ride’ with you, shine the light, and help you through to a safe place to receive His acceptance, to love yourself with His love, and to create a future, full of confidence to be YOU.

Wow! Just how much would that impact your intimacy in your relationship?!!  

If this is you, and I know it’s many of you, let’s talk. You never have to feel trapped, in the dark, and unable to make the realignment and adjustments you want and need.  Email me and we’ll explore just how I can help you. hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

I dedicate my harrowing tale to you and declare a NEW trail is in your future.

How Do You Navigate Conflict Resolution and Maintain Your Devotion to One Another?

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My husband and I will focus on this question at a Marriage Workshop we lead this weekend.  What’s the answer… it’s not tips for how to deal with things in the heat of the moment, but how to prevent that heated moment from happening.

4 Steps to minimize conflict and keep doors open to meaningful connection

1. Practice gratitude.

This is an internal choice to be thankful and focus on your spouse as a good gift from your heavenly Father. It keeps your perspective aligned with the model of the Kingdom and is a faith position, so it engages Heaven in your relationship.

2. Offer praise.

We all respond well to compliments, affirmation, and personal encouragement. It may not be your natural disposition or love language to talk that way, but you can learn it. See the power in Proverbs 15:1. A soft answer turns away wrath.

3. Seek communication.

The little things count. Texts, even funny emogis can help you stay connected. Couple that with consistent, heartfelt dialogue and you’re more likely to be aware, in tune, and able to prevent a big blow up or a subtle point of division.  

4. Pursue dating and intimacy.

Intention changes everything! Choosing him, choosing ‘us,’ completely safeguards your relationship. You need time to make that happen. Through fun activities, deep sharing, and meaningful emotional and sexual intimacy your bond grows strong!

The effort you put into prevention is easier than the effort required for conflict resolution. Let growing be your goal and you’ll circumvent most of your potential issues.

Limitless Intimacy is God’s design for courageously loving so you create true connection.  

Assertiveness Tips that Bring Clarity and Kick Fear OUT of the Picture.

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When delicate issues arise, that you REALLY want to talk about, it helps to have a clear plan. Part of that is settling some vulnerable areas in yourself, first. Fear maybe lurking around (disguised as anxiety, hurt or even resentment) and it will skew all of your attempts to clarify. No one likes to be on a ‘runaway feeling train’ so let’s see how tapping into God’s limitless love will bring peace, direction, and favor.

The Assertiveness Journey Helps You Know and Love Yourself.

1. Know What You Want

Although this may seem like a silly point, it is a great starting place. Step outside of the emotional turmoil caused by the tension in the relationship, and ask yourself what you’d love to see happen. Picture it vividly. Get in touch with the great feelings that come from this positive place. Journal the idea to keep it fresh, as a focal point.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Want It

This is where the confusion may lie. Have you put your desires at the bottom of the list, after everyone else… but you still want MORE from your relationship? That’s when resentment creeps in and you can feel justified to stay there. Let your self-awareness rise-up to pinpoint what mixed messages you’ve internalized about ‘you’ receiving what’s good for you. By the way, this is not a selfish practice or goal.

3. Settle the Fear Issue

When questions arise, when control is gone, when doubts get loud, we are walking in fear. It’s not all ‘bad’, but we want to get on the healthy side. Here’are a few reminders: You’re only responsible for you. You’re not a mind reader, and neither is he. Quit playing both sides of the conversation in your head. That closes the door and creates distance and more fear before you even start.

4. Establish Your Self-Value and Identity  

You have a choice about how you see yourself. It can either be God’s way or the way of the world, filled with junk. That may seem blunt, but if you want transformation, that’s the truth. It takes a little digging to discern what messages are building you up and what you need to let go of, but it’s worth the work. Restoring your self-value frees you to love courageously, to see the best in everyone, including you.

5. Ask for Your Wants (with Understanding as the Goal)

Growing closeness in the relationship means you want to share what’s going on inside of you, bringing some missing information to the communication. Find the best setting for you both. Use a supportive tone. Select nonjudgmental words, preferring more “I feel…” statements to open up vulnerability, empathy, and intimacy. Ask for him to listen. Be ready to really hear him in return.

Women Who Take Action Change Their Relationships.

If you’re a woman who ‘has it ALL’, but your relationships are more disconnected than close, you’d trade everything just to recreate the magic, especially in your marriage. Thankfully, there are powerful communication tools that will bring clarity, kick out fear, and revitalize true connection. Let’s talk more and see how Relationship Coaching will open the door to ‘Limitless Intimacy’ and  courageously loving in your marriage.

I'd Give Up Everything if He'd Hold My Hand

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According to everybody else, she's living the dream life (fabulous jewelry, resort vacations, and country club lifestyle). On the surface, it looks amazing, even enviable, but she knows the truth. He'd rather give her money to spend than his time to cuddle and talk. She doesn't have his heart. She's aching for intimacy.

It's an empty life to feel distance and not love.

There are 3 struggles she faces all the time.

1. She's conflicted by her Christain views. (I'm supposed to be happy and not complain, right? I should just be grateful and keep looking for the good in life.)

2. She battles with self-doubt. (What's wrong with me? What did I do? Why am I not good enough for him?)

3. She's suppressed her dream for real intimacy. (I guess this is all I get. That real love and closeness, where he actually wants me, just isn't possible.) 

But the truth is... You are justified to want MORE than the surface dream life. 

God's design is for real closeness and connection in your marriage. HE wants your heart to feel cherished and cared for. HE wants attention, attraction, and affection to be mutual between you.

Although there is a lot involved to create intimacy, you can begin this process by seeking ALL God says about your value. HE sees you as His precious daughter, beautiful and chosen. Let those words communicate your true value and we'll continue to find ways to bring real intimacy to your marriage.  

Remember, God's design for "Limtless Intimacy" is courageously loving wide open.

 

What is "Step 1" to Create Emotional Intimacy?

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“I just want him to know me and do things that are meaningful to me.”

Seems simple enough, right?! But actually, that is a very high level of empathy and takes a lot of learning (and desire) to get there. What do I mean?

1. Cognitive Empathy is the first level.

It’s the ability to understand another person’s perspective AND to stop telling them how they should do it ‘your’ way.

That’s HUGE!

When we remember our opinion is only ONE opinion and other opinions have EQUAL value, it fuels connection, which fuels intimacy, which makes it ‘safe’ to be vulnerable, which creates the right tone for sexual intimacy in marriage to be the blessing God designed it to be.

2. Emotional Empathy, at the next level, allows you to ‘feel’ what another person feels.

This is NOT logical. There is a tremendous amount of work to get to this place. Identifying your own feelings is ONLY the result of very intentional observation and assessment. Identifying what someone else is feeling and CHOOSING to feel that with them, WOW!! This is such an act of love.

This empathy process is completely FOREIGN to so many people. Maybe even your husband.

3. Empathetic Concern is the high level that will actually sense what another person needs from you… and will CHOOSE to give that.

Can’t you see God’s love at work?! This is what dying to self is really supposed to look like. It says, “I honor me because God made me in His image. And I honor others because they are also made in His image.”

If you want your guy to just know what you want and give it to you without even being asked, well, you are expecting a lot from him. Are you doing the same in return?

The good news is… Empathy can be learned.

Empathy will make EVERY relationship better. Empathy gets easier the more you practice it.

The first step to empathy is to understand another person’s perspective. It starts with questions like this, “Would you explain that to me again so I can better understand you?”

Remember, the Golden Rule is to treat others as you would like to be treated, but the Platinum Rule is a bit different. It says to treat others like they want to be treated.

Wishing you happy trails down the beautiful, yet winding path towards Empathy.

When Your Normal is 'Off' How is Your Relationship Impacted?

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Let's say you have a new influence on your every day life. Maybe your in-laws are visiting, your husband is out of town, or your child is sick. Those can all be stressors. You love the people in your life and want to be there for them, but if your ‘normal’ is off, you need to something about it. Something healthy and good.

First, identify that you don’t feel like yourself.

You need to separate your feelings from the actual events that are taking place. Are you sad about being ‘left out’ of a fun trip (even if it's for his work)? Are you irritated about having to give up your plans to provide the extra comfort your child needs? Are you frustrated that your husband slips back into ‘son’ role when his parents are in town and he minimizes his interaction with you?

Next, determine what you want to do about the situation.

Do you want your husband to listen and validate your feelings? Do you want him to brainstorm with you for some ‘us’ time even during this 'off' season? Do you want him to hear your heart while you repent for some selfishness or insecurity?

Last, find a way to include him in your journey.

Should you dump your rambling thoughts while the emotion is still intense? Should you tell him you need to ‘talk’ knowing that might make him ill at ease in anticipation? Should you diffuse yourself, share a snippet, and set-up an agreed upon time to share?

Relationships are living entities, forever changing, adjusting and providing opportunities for vulnerability and trust.

The process starts with getting your 100% value and identity from God. Then, you have to know and love yourself. After that, if mutual respect and understanding is the goal, you can find a healthy choice that keeps your emotional intimacy close.

Choosing to learn, while you’re in the middle of an ‘off normal’ season, is the hope that pulls you through to the next better place in ‘us’.

Be Brave!

“How does he love me?” In all the ways I teach him how.

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Do you know what love feels like… to you?

 If you haven’t formulated that in your own thoughts there is no way you will know If he is doing that, so you won’t be able to respond well to him. You also won’t be able to encourage him to continue.  That is a lose-lose scenario, but you can do something about it.

Love is experienced when needs are met.

Do you know what your needs are? Have you given yourself ‘permission’ to need? There’s a way, time and place to ask, to express yourself in a nonjudgmental tone.  That’s how you’ll be heard the best. Love is not a default way of living, but it’s worth all the work it takes to make it come true.

Knowing your love language is a great place to start.

Each person has a natural way of giving and receiving love. That will give you a heads-up about what makes you feel special and cared for. Then you step out of your comfort zone to learn his language, too. Here’s a link to an online assessment. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

So,with the LOVE month upon us, you may want a bit more attention from your guy. Remember, It’s actually okay to teach him how to love you. It doesn’t make it any less valuable or personal. It starts with a goal of wanting more connection. When you know and love yourself you can invite others to do the same.

Tips to Transition to Intimacy

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Intimacy is one of the most precious rewards of a relationship.  Just the same, it can be one of the most dreaded processes. Why is it such a big deal? How does it impact our sexuality?

These are truths we need to know.

As a married woman, sexual intimacy is a part of your everyday world in some capacity. This article will give you practical tips for sure, and a lot more. Just being able to talk about the issue sheds light on your concern and will open new doors of freedom.

But before I go on, let me make a bit of a disclaimer. The ideas I’ll share are designed for women in marriages who feel safe to be themselves. It’s for women who want to be healthy, and of course, trust all God has for them. If there is any hint of abuse in your marriage I will never suggest you dive into growing your sexuality without dealing with the overall health of your marriage. I don’t mean to be alarming or negative, but I know there is potential for messages to be skewed.  So please read on with an attitude of keeping your heart safe.

If any discomfort arises from this article, I’m happy to chat with you and offer support.

Transition to Intimacy- what’s the big deal?

Feeling ripe and ready for sex isn’t automatic, even if you are happily married, totally committed, and wanting to grow your relationship.  So don’t feel ‘bad’. It’s very normal to have an ebb and flow in your desire level. There are tons of reasons why. Fatigue. Distraction. Hormones. Body image. Relationship issues. Health. Stress. You might not know why. You might know the exact moment things began to shift for you. The issue is as specific and personalized as your DNA. If you want to pursue more understanding of the ‘why’ I have several resources. My books, Why Can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex? , my questionnaire “Blocks to Intimacy”, my “Healthy Sexuality Checklist” and, of course, Relationship Coaching with me to help you discover your ‘why’ and path to freedom.

What we’re going to focus on, though, is how to create your own bridge to freely engage in intimacy.   

Spiritual Support

Intimacy was God’s idea to begin with. HE’s not surprised or embarrassed by what you are experiencing. HE wants you to know that HE sees you as His daughter. HE sees you with complete eyes of love. You are totally accepted by Him. Having your value come from His abundance of love and goodness towards you will create a new appreciation and confidence. So, include Him in your intimacy. Let this be a part of your prayer life (without any condemnation.) HE is the creator of transparency. Being vulnerable in Him (because of His love) is the ultimate example for us to follow.

Emotional Support

I always recommend doing a Feeling Check-In during the day.

If you wait until intimacy time, you’ll be processing everything from your day and that will be a huge distraction and a delay to your intimacy. Affirming your self-value and acceptance is your responsibility even though the source of it is God (like I described above). So you being comfortable with ‘you’ goes a long way. Yes, we are a work in progress, but a strong self-esteem carries over into everything (and I mean everything) you do. And remember, intimacy is a choice. That is the gift you give to yourself, your spouse, and to your marriage.

Mental Support

This is the mother lode. What you are thinking determines everything. You have the opportunity to make a conscious shift. To be intentional. To release your magnitude of busy thoughts and begin to go someplace else. Yes, I know there are dental appointments to make, teachers to call, business deadlines to keep, prayer requests to carry, and so on. But, won’t they all be there two hours later? Will holding onto them tightly cause any better results? Learning the art of letting go will serve you in all areas of life. Plus, it’s a huge part of your faith walk.

I call this the exchange. You go from seeing yourself as the keeper of every detail of life to seeing yourself as a healthy sexual being.  

Release the busy thoughts. Choose healthy thoughts about your godly identity as a sexual being. Encourage yourself to meditate on all the good that comes from that. Picture yourself enjoying intimacy with your husband… freely.

Physical Support

Now we’re ready for some fun. There are so many things you can do to transition from your hectic day to a place of intimacy. If you’ve addressed things spiritually, emotionally and mentally, then you are prepped for this last stage.  Consider these:

·         Draw a bath.

·         Light a candle.

·         Play some tunes.

·         Apply your favorite scent.

·         Wear your prettiest or wildest attire.

·         Do some deep breathing to relax.

·         Practice a few kegal exercises.

·         Create your setting.

Relational Support

Of course, we have to mention your hubs in the process. It does include him, right?! So this may be an additional tricky part. Do you know what you want? Do you know how to ask for it? Being assertive is an important part of meaningful interaction in life, and it is absolutely invaluable in sexual intimacy. There is an ‘us’ that is bigger than you (or him) as individuals.

You can ask your husband to help you transition. You don’t have to add this responsibility to your ‘to do’ list.  

It’s true. Men don’t struggle with this transition as much because they compartmentalize. That’s actually God’s design so they are better protectors. They can make those quick decisions without entanglement that keep us safe in crisis moments.

But, as loving husbands they want you to be at your best. They want to help you, but don’t know what you need. You will have to know what to ask them for and how to ask for it. Puzzled? Consider these:

·         Have you had a manicure where the technician rubs your hands with lotion (in a non-sexual way)? That helps you relax. You can ask your husband for the same.

·         Ask him to help create the setting with music, candles or special items.

·         Ask him to cover your tasks 15 minutes early so you can have your adjustment period.

·         Ask him to offer to draw your bath.

·         Ask him to ask you what you need sometimes.

·         Ask him to create anticipation by agreeing to place a certain pillow on the bed if there’s interest.

·         Ask him how he’d like to help you, which helps ‘us’.

Practical Support

You need a plan to put this into action. You didn’t get here overnight. You won’t go from struggling to rocking it overnight, but you will make progress. Pick one area of support at a time to explore and begin bringing up the topic with your husband. He may not understand at first, but it’s probably not about you. It will take some re-wiring of his brain to follow you. But once he is on-board, you will have your biggest supporter.  

·         Keep learning about yourself.

·         Affirm your value in God.

·         Be aware of your sensual side and what brings you pleasure.

·         Grow your emotional intimacy with your husband.

Even if this is completely foreign to you or was formerly on your taboo list, you can bring amazing freedom to your intimacy.

I talk about this with women all over the world every day. If you want personalized support, let’s talk. God wants you to know oneness and freedom in your marriage. There are so many things we can do to bring you to the place of your dreams in intimacy. Let’s work together to create His best for your ‘us’.

 

For Relationship Coaching contact me: hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

3 Secrets to Create the Freest and Most Meaningful Intimacy Your Marriage has Ever Known

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What if you had the ability to…

1.       Know 100% that you are valuable and worth being honored and cherished

2.       Get clear in your heart about how you want to be loved- so you can ASK for it

3.       Express yourself openly and vulnerably in your emotional and sexual intimacy

Would that change how you saw yourself AND did relationships?

I've developed an Absolutely Amazing and Powerful Package for the woman who wants more closeness and passion in her marriage so she can enjoy God’s design for love, sex, and intimacy!

Here’s what you’ll get-

Grace Heart Self-Care Practice PDF Complete guideline on how to validate your feelings and integrate your devotional, journal and prayer time, plus an action step and affirmation

Daily Temperature Reading PDF Step-by-step template to develop meaningful communication on a fact, opinion and feeling level that increases closeness

Blocks to Intimacy Questionnaire PDF In-depth questions to pinpoint exactly where your hesitations impact your relationship and lead to how you can bring about change

PLUS 3 Bonuses… 

Bonus #1             Healthy Sexuality Checklist

Bonus #2             Transition Tips to Crossover to Intimacy after a Hectic Day

Bonus #3             Healthy & Godly Sexuality Resource List (Christian books and websites)

This offer is available from Thursday, Nov 24 at 11:59 pm

until Monday, Nov 27 at 11:59 pm.

It’s more than 75% OFF!!! ONLY $47.00 USD.

That includes the 3 Secrets PLUS the 3 Bonuses! (ADD-ON a one-time private coaching session at the ridiculously LOW price of $52 and get the TOTAL package for $99. Must be scheduled for 2017. Yep, it’s still under $100.)

What if you don’t increase the meaningful intimacy in your marriage?

Take a moment. Set this post aside. What will happen if you don’t know you are worth being loved, don’t know how to ask for what you want, and don’t know what if feels like to be truly FREE to express yourself intimately?

Is that what you want? It’s up to you.

I pray it’s the right time for you to say… YES! To valuing yourself and creating the most meaningful intimacy your marriage has ever known.

Pay Here for 3 Secrets: https://www.paypal.me/marywhitmanortiz/47

Pay Here for ADD On Coaching:  https://paypal.me/marywhitmanortiz/52

Why I was a Failure as a Wife: The Story of What Happens When Scripture Gets Twisted

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I started into marriage with high expectations.

 I wanted a godly relationship.  I wanted intimacy, oneness, acceptance, and to be cherished. I wanted the real deal, every beautiful image of romance and free expression. I wanted to be LOVED.

There were some gray areas leading up to the wedding.

Something was a bit off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. We often had disagreements about his strong opinions on everything.  I was concerned about his sincerity with God. But then he’d swoop in with some grand gesture towards me or sympathetic attitude towards someone in need and I melted. I reminded myself of all his good qualities and let my concerns go unaddressed. I always responded to his attention. It seemed to change the course of what was happening at the moment.

The wedding night started a pattern.

Every girl dreams of this moment. It’s both the thrill of freedom to share sexually what you’ve longed for and the euphoric satisfaction of finally being ‘married’. But our night went all wrong. It was abrupt, without tender build up or sweet nothings at the end. It brings to mind the image of an impatient mama cat. Her kittens are pressed up against her, contentedly nursing and then, she gets up and walks away, dumping them off and leaving them wanting her affection. Afterwards, I walked the beach, alone and in the dark.

I was praying, “God, is this all there is?” 

Absent was the sweet lingering of a beautiful exchange of love. Present was the weight of feeling disappointed, confused, scared and overwhelmed. I was clueless about what to do next. Resolved to go forward, though, I chose to keep trying to make it better. My hormones were still quite happy to be let out of the gate, so I spent the next week of our honeymoon chasing passion.

The physical aspect continued, but so did the silence.

As young marrieds life was full of new things. Getting settled, creating new schedules and wanting to be fully established as a couple. I got caught up in the whirlwind of being a newlywed and let the rush of a wedded lifestyle fill the void in our intimacy. We had sex all the time. We just did it without connecting emotionally.

The mixed messages began to gnaw at my heart.

He wanted me for this new life. He wanted me for sex. But he didn’t want to open up on an emotional level. To be honest, I didn’t help matters. I wasn’t used to people wanting to hear my deep feelings, so I didn’t know how to ask for the missing connection. I assumed we were after the same things in our relationship. I was struggling with being vulnerable and asking for what I wanted and needed. The pressure was mounting inside me, but I shut it down, by saying I was praying.  

The pattern continued.

He wanted more sex. I wanted more connection. We began a debilitating cycle of unmet needs. I started to express what I wanted, but he’d brush it off with a temporary gesture of goodwill. I remember getting ready for a women’s retreat. Before I left we’d had an intense fight. I was crying so hard I burst all the blood vessels under my eyes. All weekend long I kept covering my face hoping no one would notice. When I returned he’d painted and wallpapered the entire master bedroom. That act was supposed to take care of everything. And if I wasn’t appreciative ‘enough’, if I didn’t let his ‘love’ be enough, then what was wrong with me? 

My ‘failures’ were becoming more obvious.

I began to beat myself up for not ‘loving’ him enough. Surely, if I was a good wife, I’d be fine with whatever he wanted, however, he wanted to do it. And, he was doing this generous nice thing for me, by finishing up our new house… right? So, what was wrong with me? On the surface, my life was absolutely cruising along, the epitome of happiness and success. We were an attractive couple on the way up. But inside, I was dying. In my head, I not only wasn’t ‘loving’ my husband, but since that wasn’t happening, then I wasn’t pleasing God either. How could I live with that? 

My experiences weren’t lining up with Scripture.

As a wife, I was supposed to please my husband and put him first. I was supposed to yield my body to him. And yet, when we were together sexually I felt crushed. It’s like I wasn’t even there. My heart wasn’t requested or welcomed. My inner person wasn’t wanted, only my body. To be a good wife (a Godly wife) I needed to please him, but it was destroying me by continuing to let that happen.

It actually got even worse.

My hormones were still active. I had sensual desires. If I wanted to fulfill my own sexual needs it meant subjecting myself to this demeaning experience with him. In order to satisfy my passion, I had to agree that my inner person didn’t matter.  To participate on his terms meant I was just a body. So I ‘sold’ my soul to feel physical pleasure with my husband.

There was a trigger verse that distorted it more.

Col 3:5 in the Amplified translation has a phrase to “kill… sensual appetites”. I now know the full meaning, but back then it absolutely arrested me. There is a list of fleshly vices that Paul spoke about to stop. I identified with the phrase ‘sensual appetite’ because in my marriage that’s what intimacy had been reduced to… actually, what it always had been. Sexual intimacy was merely a physical, fleshly activity. So, to love God I was supposed to put away the very thing (sensual appetite) that showed ‘love’ to my husband. How could I possibly do both?

The full cycle was packed with ‘crazy making’.

I loved God and wanted to please Him. I loved my husband and wanted to please him. The way my husband wanted to be pleased was with sex. In order to have sex with him, I had to participate on a physical level only, without emotional intimacy. To have sex without my inner person being involved meant I had to deny that my heart was worth being loved. I had to agree that my life was second class and not deserving of honor. And the fact that I had active sexual inclinations myself was like my body selling out my own heart. To be fulfilled sexually (in my marriage) I had to go against what I believed subconsciously about my value in God. I had to disassociate from my emotional self (my identity) to express my sexual self (what seemed to just be my flesh). The dilemma was how could I love God, my husband and myself at the same time with this mess of an understanding about sexual intimacy?

Recognizing and exposing the lies began my journey to healing.

God walked me through some intense seasons of rebuilding my identity, based on His love. Because of His goodness in giving me freedom, I am now able to walk with other women on their journey to wholeness. Today I write, speak and openly champion healthy, Godly intimacy. As a Relationship Coach and Intimacy Advocate I work with women restoring their hearts (following sexual abuse and dysfunction) who want more freedom expressing themselves, so they can have meaningful connections. It is a process, but it is a true possibility with God’s love.

For the rest of my restoration story and information on how we can work together contact me at http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com. Working together, you cancreate the intimacy that thrills you spirit, soul, and body.    

3 Steps to Keep Your Passion Alive

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Let’s face it, ladies, after life gets super busy (kids, increased responsibility, building your business) your love life sometimes gets put on the back burner. Sure, you absolutely LOVE your hubs, but priorities shift.

So, do you want to keep your passion alive? Date your mate? Find the ‘on’ switch?

Ask yourself these three questions because your brain is the most important sex organ you have.

1.       How valuable is your marital intimacy to you?

Factor in what it does for you- spirit, soul, and body. Consider what message it sends to your guy. Think about the bond it builds for you as a couple and as a family. Remember, strong families make strong communities. Strong communities change the world. (Yes, I just said your mutually honoring sex life is good for America.)

2.       How do you create space for it?

Break this down into three components. Sure you need time for the actual expression of your love, but there’s more than that. You also need time to plan and cover the logistics like child care or alone time when older kids are not around. But the one area most women overlook is your personal transition time. This includes turning off your never-ending, mental to-do list and getting in touch with your feelings before you are intimate. (Yep, you’ve got to be aware of you first, so his touch is well-received.)

3.       How do you boost (treasure) your own sexuality?

The world conveys sexuality through cleavage and legs, tight clothing, and obnoxious flirting, but where does that leave a Christian woman? If you still want to be modest, how do you show your sensual side? What would more confidence do for your intimate expressions? What is at the root of gaining more self-acceptance and therefore, confidence?  (I know, it’s a bigger idea than we think about at first.)

The good news is whatever God calls us to He also equips us for. So, if wonderful passionate, connection and bonding is His idea then… it is doable. You may need to gain a few communication tips or to identify your blocks to intimacy, but there is a path to God-designed pleasure.   

If this speaks to your heart, I have just the thing for you to do.

Join me for a powerful questionnaire to “Identify Your Blocks to Intimacy” and a one-hour Relationship Coaching session. You will gain new understanding PLUS the tools to put passion into action.

Find out more:   http://marywhitmanortiz.com/takethefirststep

The Magnolia Girl Story

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Years ago, during a very vulnerable season in my life, a young woman had a word for me about being like a Magnolia. She described how strong the blooms were, with leathery blossoms. At the time it was encouraging, but I was in such a place of hurt that I couldn’t process it all.

Fast-forward to 2016 and what God had placed on my heart to minister to women recovering from sexual abuse and dysfunction. (These are also Christian women who can’t quite bring themselves to come forward because some of their very issues revolve around mixed messages from the church.)

I didn't know how to frame my message.

I had the calling, the understanding, the personal and professional experience, but I’d been praying for the right image and words to connect with other women. It finally came to me, while visiting a state park.

The Magnolia is a beautiful flowering tree with a sweet scent.

What most people don't know, though, is it has an ancient existence, even before bees. It required pollination by beetles. That's one of the reasons the blooms are so tough, to allow the beetle to walk on the flower. But the beetle’s method was unorthodox by human standards and altogether repugnant. The beetle ate its way through the flower while defecating and rolling in it… relishing in the pollen. Even so, the Magnolia stood regal and continued to not just survive, but receive acclaim as the symbol of grace and strength.

Women are like Magnolias.

Some women have been walked on, robbed of their life-giving essence, and then defiled by filthy disgusting treatment. And yet… their divinely designed beauty and strength continue to flourish.

I combined my idea of supporting women with the history of the Magnolia.

‘Magnolia Girls’ is for women who have experienced the devastation of being used (trashed by other’s harmful and selfish sexual pursuits) and yet retained their strength as their true beauty. It's for women who have struggled with intimacy in their Christian marriage and the taboo of being able to talk about their concerns. 'Magnolia Girls' is for women seeking restoration from God for their delicate battles regarding sexual intimacy. Identifying as a ‘Magnolia Girl’ gives privacy for healing as the image is so positive (beauty, strength, and grace) to the public.

At this time support is available through small group sessions and private coaching with individual prayer ministry. For more details see http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/magnolia

Support is also available for Christian leaders who want training to minister hope, truth, and grace to women with sexual intimacy struggles. Joint sessions are open to men and women who both desire more information. Personal ministry training is designed for women to minister to women. For more details see http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/church  

 

What Happens When You Lose Hope?

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Her relationship was strained at best. There was a lot missing from their connection. It used to exist but had drifted away. Logical reasons were at play- job crisis, health concerns, and family schedule demands. But even with knowing WHY, it still hurt. She confessed it felt more ‘sad than helpful’ to pursue learning new ways to make it work.

THAT is lost hope.

The feelings of disappointment and hurt came in waves. She told herself to STOP thinking those thoughts and keep on going. But just stuffing it didn’t free her from the pain.

When our coaching call started she gave me some specific examples of what their communication looked like. She said, if a topic was too personal, her husband either didn’t listen, changed the subject or walked away. It was a complete shutdown and shut out.

Maybe you’ve known that pain, too. 

Without the tools or support to take care of yourself and make a difference, it seems overwhelming. Why bother? But with individualized communication tips, empathy, and God-inspired encouragement, all of that can turn around.

By the end of our appointment, we had discussed *10* possible communication ideas. *10*, not 3, 5, or 8, but *10*! That’s like going from a weekend athlete to an Olympic-trained super star. With that kind of personalized support, she knew she was not alone, that someone cared, and she was equipped with techniques that matched her situation and her timing. It was an empowering coaching session.

Her perspective changed by the end of our call.

(This is from a subsequent message.) “…You have encouraged me by talking with such conviction about the end goal; how our relationship can look like. So you have encouraged me to not give up, but to be intentional about doing what I can in a positive and loving way to make our relationship great!”  

I love what I do!!

Helping women to build their own confidence and to create amazing possibilities for their relationships is such a blessing. The strategies and support you need to transform your marriage are just a phone call away.  Let’s connect today for the relationship encouragement and empowerment that is custom-designed for where you are right NOW!

https://calendly.com/mary-19/2017-relationship-clarity

 

   

Is it more difficult to manage sexual purity before marriage or healthy sexuality afterward?

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Your sexuality is a treasure entrusted to you by God. How you manage it lies in your hands.

If you’re single, your sexuality might be on your mind… a lot. The attraction, the excitement, the longing… the decisions on how to handle it. It’s a BIG deal! Everyday!

If you’re married, how often is your sexuality on your mind? Are you finding mutually desirable ways to meet your needs? Are you staying in touch with what makes you come alive? Are you choosing to create the time to transition to intimacy?

~You are the only one entrusted with your sexuality.~

Does the health of your sexuality right NOW reflect how well you treasure it?

Single Ladies

As a single lady, do you let the guy make all the decisions about how you treat your sexual identity? NO! You decide:

~How you will honor your values

~How you will respect God’s blessings for you

~How you will let integrity have a louder presence than feelings

Married Ladies

So married ladies, what are the decisions you make regarding your sexual identity? Does it all revolve around your husband?

Don’t go crazy on me! I’m not saying involve other men besides your husband. Whew! Nope, that’s not where I’m going. My point is…

if men don’t define you before marriage, why would they define you after marriage?

Is this an intriguing topic to you? Hear ALL about the “Whys” and “Why Not-s”. Walk away with some fresh tips. 

Tuesday, Sept 5th at 6:30 EDT.

Join us for the LIVE event.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/GodlyGirlTalk/

~Married ladies, you are the one making the decisions regarding your sexual identity.~

 

Christian Women Face Additional Obstacles to Sexual Intimacy

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If God says sex in marriage, between a husband and wife, is good, then why aren’t we celebrating it? Yes, sexual intimacy has been perverted by the world, so we know to abstain from some of those practices. But even sadder than that, it’s been shamed by the church, the very institution that could best represent God’s view.  No wonder Christian women, in church circles, find themselves struggling with even more obstacles because we as the church aren’t embracing God’s design.

 

What obstacles do women face?

 

1.       “How do I say, “Yes”, after saying “No” for so long?”

Thankfully, we are raising some kids who are keeping their purity until marriage. That is truly a blessing and helpful in so many ways. But, we don’t always prepare them with a healthy mindset about Godly sexuality. They get the ’No! No! No!’ message, and not the ‘Save Your Gift for Your Spouse to Express in a Free and Honoring Way!’ message. 

So, they reach their wedding night and don’t know how to transition to a new way of managing their sexuality. Awkwardness aside, who are they going to tell about their dilemma? They feel embarrassed with thoughts like, “I’m supposed to know what to do. This is supposed to be okay, but it doesn’t feel that way. Is something wrong with me?” And they don’t open up. Instead, they create a very unhealthy pattern of sexual activity without vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and transparency with their spouse. It’s the start of something very damaging.

2.       “Can a Christian woman be ‘Hot’ and Holy?”

Women typically connect everything in their life together. They’re more intuitive, so knowing about the kids’ school projects, the church fellowship dinner, and their husband’s big problem at work get intermingled, all the time. But when it comes to combining their Christian walk and their sexual being… not so much.

They keep these ideas very separate. Yes, they can embrace their love for God with as much commitment and passion as possible. But honoring their sexuality (in beautiful, Godly ways within marriage) still feels very OFF LIMITS, like they’re not supposed to even think about sex… and they’re married!!  

They almost have to disassociate with who they are at their core to even participate in sexual intimacy with their husband. It breaks down their identity as a woman and wife. They don’t know that they can be free to express themselves with the Father’s blessing.  And, again, who are they going to tell? This is the very reason they are having the problem!! There’s no safe space to have this talk. A healthy, whole view of mutual respect and pleasure (in marital intimacy) seems to be missing.

3.       “But, doesn’t the scripture say… ‘your body is not your own’?”

Scripture is often twisted. Whether intentionally communicated with a slant, for selfish motives or authoritarian control, or unintentionally perceived through a negative filter. Certain passages are highlighted that limit one’s freedom of thought and expression. This is sad for any topic it affects, but particularly harmful when it comes to the marriage bed. There are wives who feel like they have no say in their marital relations. Even though many scriptures highlight mutual respect and submission, those are not the passages they’re hearing the loudest.

These wives sense that if they displease their husband in this manner that they are displeasing God. So they are earning their place of acceptance in God by performing sexually for their husband.  It’s as if their value and Christian identity hinge on measuring up to a certain sexual standard.  If this pattern continues women feel if they choose to stand up for themselves and honor their bodies that means they have chosen to ‘leave God’. Why should they ever feel they have to choose between self-protection and being obedient to God? That is never how the Father wants healthy sexuality to be viewed.

4.      “Everybody watches porn, right?”

Pornography is wrong in every possible way. We know that it’s not a real representation of love-making. The people are actors and often there through sexual exploitation. We know repeated pornography usage reduces one's ability to interact easily with their spouse. It also breaks down neurological connections that can cause misfiring and permanent damage.  These facts are known in the secular understanding as dangers of pornography.

For a Christian wife (and/or husband) there are additional pitfalls. The Christian couple stood before God on their wedding day and made commitments to shared values. These values established heart choices towards each other and God. When a spouse chooses pornography as a lifestyle they betray their partner. Some consider this to be on par with adultery. This pornographic habit is also a choice to participate in a vulgar sin unto God. They bring that sin to their marriage bed. They have sinned against their own body and their spouse’s body as well. Shame sets in even if the activity is hidden. It not only destroys the individual but also their partner and family.     

5.       “I asked the church for help and now I feel worse.”

In the world, there are support groups for everything imaginable. Although the advice given isn’t always Godly or healthy, there are still open ears and kind hearts to listen and embrace. In the church, there has been some success for groups like Celebrate Recovery and a few others, but in general, there is limited support for women who want guidance for healing in regards to sexual intimacy issues.

So when she gathers her courage and seeks help through the church, but is pushed away or made to feel 'bad' about herself, she is crushed. It may cause her to shut down permanently and never get the help she needs. It’s as if her issues are doubled. The original pain has now been compiled with rejection. It’s so much hurt that she may choose to never become that vulnerable and trusting again. Once more, the very institution that could best communicate God’s message of hope has been a vehicle for darkness.

Now to their defense, I realize that we all have previous experiences and filters that shape our view. These church leaders are only operating out of their own understanding. They don’t know what they don’t know. It’s not a malicious oversight, but still, one for which they are responsible.     

 My prayer is for more truth to be available for the church at large so that more opportunities exist for freedom.

 

 What can we do about It?

Let’s grow a church culture that partners with God’s view on healthy sexuality and celebrates His goodness. Let’s identify and encourage female leaders with a propensity to minister grace and truth in this delicate topic. Let’s create a safe space for talks about intimacy.

For more information on services I offer to church and ministry leaders, and for individual women check out:

http://marywhitmanortiz.com/church 

   

No One Knows

“No one can know.”

That seems to be her cry, almost as much as her need to make the hurt,” GO Away!”

She’s afraid, alone and ashamed… and in the church.

For years she’s tried to do the ‘right’ thing, to be the Christian wife she’s ‘supposed’ to be. But it’s not making a difference in her marriage.

She reads passages like Eph 4:1-3 about ‘making allowances because you love one another’ and feels like…

---I have to put my husband first, regardless

---Whatever he wants of me has to be okay

---If I truly love him I have to let him be himself, even if…

It’s just all twisted up in her mind and heart, and if she admits it, in her body, too.

“HER body”. How long has it been since she felt like her body was her own? Seriously! It’s only for him, right?!

Everything about her physical, sexual, intimate life has been so distorted she just can’t see the Truth anymore. But she also can’t keep living this way.

Her husband’s expectations sexually have robbed her of her dignity.

They don’t have a lovingly mutual expression of bonding in their intimacy. What they do have is warped and cheap and degrading. And yet… they’re both Christians.

She simply CANNOT tell another soul.  

No one in the church… No one in her family… No one in her circle of friends…

How she feels about herself, how she feels about who she is in her sexual relationship with her husband… how can she possibly put it into words? Say it out loud? Admit to what has been happening?

That’s why her need for PRIVACY is of the utmost importance.

Words like security, safety, and CONFIDENTIALITY are imperative for her to seek some help.

And nothing in her correspondence can reflect the topic she needs to talk about. The process must be so secretive that it becomes an actual sanctuary for her; a sacred space to meet the heavenly Father’s loving presence and begin her healing. She can finally tell her story. She can start to breathe again.   

This is what happens for my clients.

Their concerns over their sexual intimacy (in their marriage) have plagued them for years. They’ve been super guarded with their issues because… where do you go so you’re NOT judged, but you also get help?

They come to me in a very private on-line space, in an All Day Session at a beachside location, or locally at my boutique office. Not only is the space safe, my attention for God’s healing of your heart is the safest place you can be.

And… I know your story, because… I lived it, too.

There is a future for you. It starts with HOPE. Let’s chat and see how working together can bring you answers and the freedom-to-be-you! Set up your call today. This is your time.

Your very confidential help begins NOW!

https://calendly.com/mary-19/healing-relationship-hurts/   

The Best Way to Rebuild Your Identity

You look in the mirror and try to block out the crushing words you just heard, from your loved one. But the same ole thoughts rise up anyway, “I can’t believe they just said that… again! What’s wrong with them? Don’t they know that hurts my feelings?” But in conjunction with that, however, a deeper, less conscious message is replaying. “I guess I deserve that. What’s wrong with me? I’m such a failure.”

 

This cycle of negative messages received and then internalized, limits how you see yourself and how you enjoy life. You may only have brief moments of happiness and feeling free to be yourself. The rest of the time you’re squashed under the weight of someone else’s expectations. And you never seem to be… ENOUGH.

 

What if there was a way to release all of those harmful and degrading messages? What if you could see yourself differently and get back to the dreams you once held for your life?

 

It’s possible.

 

Acknowledging your feelings and facing your fears by yourself is overwhelming at the least, and even if you do allow those honest moments to happen… then what? It can be draining and more frustrating if there’s no idea how to get past it.

 

But if it’s done with a professional coach, who can guide you to a place of strength and restoration, you are NOT alone or without a PLAN.

 

To release the lies and replace them with God’s truth about who you really are is transforming and completely empowering. It realigns your heart and identity. Out of the ashes, your restored being (spirit, soul, and body) rises to embrace the gifts in your life that you previously may not have had the energy or motivation to pursue. You have what it takes to finally love freely, give freely, and enjoy true connection.   

 

Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day

 

This all happens during an ALL day coaching session- “Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day”.  It’s held at a relaxing, beachside setting in Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, via SKYPE. And, there is a pre-call to set up the day, plus 3 follow-up calls and 3 months of unlimited email access to support you as you apply your new understanding and self-value mindset.

 

Also, for clients who are interested, Inner Healing Prayer Ministry can be incorporated into your program, to invite Jesus into your healing process.

 

There’s even more to consider, so please go to http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value for all the details. Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.