identity in Christ

I thought I was Unlovable.

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My dad left when I was 12, but had been emotionally gone for years before that. My mom was super caring and giving to what seemed like the entire city, but never let her walls down to be close to me.

I just wanted somebody to really KNOW me and SEE me and WANT to be with me.

So, it would come as no surprise to hear I dated… A LOT! I was looking for attention and affirmation and validation for who I was.

I was a Christian and really loved God, but this whole concept of knowing your IDENTITY in Christ just wasn’t a part of my inner life.

And then I got married.

I had all of those same NEEDS. I had incredible high EXPECTATIONS for a Christian marriage. I was completely lacking in communication and relationship SKILLS.

Add to that my former husband’s addiction to pornography and it’s easy to see how BROKENNESS grew in me over the years.

The intimacy I completely ACHED for was nowhere to be found. I began to think it wasn’t real and would NEVER be a part of my life.

I thought, “Why don’t you LOVE me? What’s WRONG with me? When will I finally be good ENOUGH for you?”

My pain was primarily caused by feeling I WASN’T loved. My healing began when I desperately leaned into God to meet that unspoken NEED.

~I didn’t know how to trust Him. ~I doubted that I was worth it. ~I wanted to believe that He wanted me personally.

And eventually, by His tender care, it happened. I finally felt truly and completely loved.

*The key to my healing and wholeness was in UNDERSTANDING that the enemy had been sending me lies all of those years. He was the one telling me I was rejected and abandoned. Every time I believed those lies, I was REINFORCING them.888

God’s truth was not just that I was accepted by Him. It was that I was Chosen and Valued by Him. He raised my inner status to that of a much-loved and beautiful daughter. When I internalized His message of TRUTH, everything CHANGED for me and how I saw myself.

~That’s how I was able to go from a broken shell of a woman to someone who actually LOVES herself.

~That’s how I was able to RECOGNIZE, ATTRACT and SUSTAIN a beautiful connection of intimacy with my husband today.

That’s why I do what I do.

Healthy intimacy, in every way, is God’s design for you. The healing and wholeness that HE BROUGHT to me, HE can BRING to you also,

Don’t give up! You are LOVABLE! The new you is on the way!

Assertiveness Tips that Bring Clarity and Kick Fear OUT of the Picture.

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When delicate issues arise, that you REALLY want to talk about, it helps to have a clear plan. Part of that is settling some vulnerable areas in yourself, first. Fear maybe lurking around (disguised as anxiety, hurt or even resentment) and it will skew all of your attempts to clarify. No one likes to be on a ‘runaway feeling train’ so let’s see how tapping into God’s limitless love will bring peace, direction, and favor.

The Assertiveness Journey Helps You Know and Love Yourself.

1. Know What You Want

Although this may seem like a silly point, it is a great starting place. Step outside of the emotional turmoil caused by the tension in the relationship, and ask yourself what you’d love to see happen. Picture it vividly. Get in touch with the great feelings that come from this positive place. Journal the idea to keep it fresh, as a focal point.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Want It

This is where the confusion may lie. Have you put your desires at the bottom of the list, after everyone else… but you still want MORE from your relationship? That’s when resentment creeps in and you can feel justified to stay there. Let your self-awareness rise-up to pinpoint what mixed messages you’ve internalized about ‘you’ receiving what’s good for you. By the way, this is not a selfish practice or goal.

3. Settle the Fear Issue

When questions arise, when control is gone, when doubts get loud, we are walking in fear. It’s not all ‘bad’, but we want to get on the healthy side. Here’are a few reminders: You’re only responsible for you. You’re not a mind reader, and neither is he. Quit playing both sides of the conversation in your head. That closes the door and creates distance and more fear before you even start.

4. Establish Your Self-Value and Identity  

You have a choice about how you see yourself. It can either be God’s way or the way of the world, filled with junk. That may seem blunt, but if you want transformation, that’s the truth. It takes a little digging to discern what messages are building you up and what you need to let go of, but it’s worth the work. Restoring your self-value frees you to love courageously, to see the best in everyone, including you.

5. Ask for Your Wants (with Understanding as the Goal)

Growing closeness in the relationship means you want to share what’s going on inside of you, bringing some missing information to the communication. Find the best setting for you both. Use a supportive tone. Select nonjudgmental words, preferring more “I feel…” statements to open up vulnerability, empathy, and intimacy. Ask for him to listen. Be ready to really hear him in return.

Women Who Take Action Change Their Relationships.

If you’re a woman who ‘has it ALL’, but your relationships are more disconnected than close, you’d trade everything just to recreate the magic, especially in your marriage. Thankfully, there are powerful communication tools that will bring clarity, kick out fear, and revitalize true connection. Let’s talk more and see how Relationship Coaching will open the door to ‘Limitless Intimacy’ and  courageously loving in your marriage.