lack of intimacy

I thought I was Unlovable.

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My dad left when I was 12, but had been emotionally gone for years before that. My mom was super caring and giving to what seemed like the entire city, but never let her walls down to be close to me.

I just wanted somebody to really KNOW me and SEE me and WANT to be with me.

So, it would come as no surprise to hear I dated… A LOT! I was looking for attention and affirmation and validation for who I was.

I was a Christian and really loved God, but this whole concept of knowing your IDENTITY in Christ just wasn’t a part of my inner life.

And then I got married.

I had all of those same NEEDS. I had incredible high EXPECTATIONS for a Christian marriage. I was completely lacking in communication and relationship SKILLS.

Add to that my former husband’s addiction to pornography and it’s easy to see how BROKENNESS grew in me over the years.

The intimacy I completely ACHED for was nowhere to be found. I began to think it wasn’t real and would NEVER be a part of my life.

I thought, “Why don’t you LOVE me? What’s WRONG with me? When will I finally be good ENOUGH for you?”

My pain was primarily caused by feeling I WASN’T loved. My healing began when I desperately leaned into God to meet that unspoken NEED.

~I didn’t know how to trust Him. ~I doubted that I was worth it. ~I wanted to believe that He wanted me personally.

And eventually, by His tender care, it happened. I finally felt truly and completely loved.

*The key to my healing and wholeness was in UNDERSTANDING that the enemy had been sending me lies all of those years. He was the one telling me I was rejected and abandoned. Every time I believed those lies, I was REINFORCING them.888

God’s truth was not just that I was accepted by Him. It was that I was Chosen and Valued by Him. He raised my inner status to that of a much-loved and beautiful daughter. When I internalized His message of TRUTH, everything CHANGED for me and how I saw myself.

~That’s how I was able to go from a broken shell of a woman to someone who actually LOVES herself.

~That’s how I was able to RECOGNIZE, ATTRACT and SUSTAIN a beautiful connection of intimacy with my husband today.

That’s why I do what I do.

Healthy intimacy, in every way, is God’s design for you. The healing and wholeness that HE BROUGHT to me, HE can BRING to you also,

Don’t give up! You are LOVABLE! The new you is on the way!

When Pleasing Others Sells Your Soul

This is not the story I always dreamed of writing. But it is the story that needs to be told.

 

I found myself deeply buried in a cycle of being in the dog house because I wasn’t pleasing to my husband. It’s not that I spent too much money. It’s not that I was a nag. No, my ‘dog house’ sentence was because I didn’t want sex the same way he did.

 

I resisted sex. Not because I didn’t like it. My hormones were A-Ok. My female plumbing was in great condition. No, I resisted sex because I felt so belittled and used. There was no closeness, no warmth, and no sweet words. It was ALL about a physical act with a biological result. I was just a body; actually, I was his body. He told me that Scripture said I belonged to him.

My body was not my own, so I was obligated to fulfill his demands.   

 

During sex, I had to disassociate from being there.  I had to perform to be a pleasing, godly wife, but he didn’t want my heart.   How could I please him AND protect my heart at the same time? I couldn’t.

 

The day after didn’t provide a warmth or closeness, either.  Yes, there was the chemical release that made me feel drawn to that moment, but that was secondary. The primary focus was on the short-lived period of being free of his demands and able to think for me.

 

Unfortunately, when his sex tank was full I was then displaced, not pursued, and not needed.

And although the break was something I lived for, at the same time the dismissal was devastating. His absence interpersonally communicated rejection and abandonment. I wasn’t wanted. How could I be happy about being unwanted?

 

And so my perpetual doghouse lifestyle continued… damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.

 

Later it was revealed he had a clinically diagnosed addiction to porn. That explained a lot. His lack of intimacy was conditioned by the interaction he had with internet porn. Real people and real relationships require connection. Images on a screen do not.  

 

God walked me through much recovery and healing. I found a way of living that embraced my own heart, provided FREEDOM to be all God called me to be, and opened doors for the true love I had longed for, for decades.

 

My story goes from dark to light. Will yours?

 

I help women embrace God’s design for love, sex, and intimacy. This includes recovery from sexual trauma and dysfunction. If your story is at all like mine, let’s find a path to your wholeness together.   

 

There is a place of peace and confidence in God that says, “I am beautiful and chosen in Your eyes.” Through Inner Healing Prayer Ministry and other tools you can embrace your beautiful and strong heart.