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How a Bible Study on Esther Exposed a Surprising Layer of Hurt

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It all started with the seemingly innocent sentence:  “Godly femininity is power under control.” Something reared up big (and ugly) inside of me. I balked. I pushed back. I couldn’t get to a happy place. In my group of women I interjected: “Well, couldn’t that be said of masculinity also?” Then, I mouthed off about, being able to control one’s self as a great sign of power, regardless.

I couldn’t follow the intent of the book. I was completely derailed. 

When I came home I was angry. I didn’t even know why.  I tried to understand what was bothering me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I went to bed upset and had a terrible dream about being chased by this half bear and half wild boar creature. It was terrifying. 

Thankfully, I woke up, prayed and read the entire introduction to the book. Then I was able to get back to sleep. When morning finally came I had some new insight.

·         I didn’t like the word femininity because of past connotations.

Men had both ridiculed me and disdained me for the traits of femininity. (See list below)

·         I had let their view of me seep into my identity.

Those ‘lies’ were not God’s view and I needed to repent of aligning with them.

·         I had devalued myself by denying these traits in me.

With those I trust, I should share my needs, expect them to adjust to my needs, and speak up when they don’t. 

These were deep level,  ouchy discoveries for me.  

I needed to feel protected from ridicule, distance and disapproval. I wanted to be loved, accepted, safe, supported and valued. These were core identity issues. I was in a pool of tears before Father God as I let Him reveal His truth to me.

Here’s the list of traits I pondered and assessed to see what significance I truly assigned them: 

Femininity- delicacy, gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, compassion, caring, sweetness, tolerance, deference, and nurturance

 

As I read through the list, considering each quality, I asked Father God to search (and heal) my heart and show me what HE wanted to understand. Here’s what came to me:

·         I can choose any of these traits that feel authentic and God-given for me.

·         If I can value these in others, I can value them in me, too.

·         Although traits like boldness, courage and strength have been my focus, I can give equal value to these traditionally feminine traits.

It was just a casual Bible Study. I wasn’t expecting a major trigger. I had no idea this junk was still lurking around in my heart. Yikes! The initial outburst and anger were bad enough. What if I had never brought this concern before Father God and I had stuffed it away to fester? Wow! That would have messed me up even more.  

That’s emotional baggage for sure! 

Maybe this stirs up an ah-ha moment for you. There could be something just under the surface for you, too, that jabs at your inner person (and maybe makes you a bit crazy). Bringing it before Father God, for His loving understanding, could be an amazing first step. 

Consider this challenge:

·         Do you feel valued by others (especially with your spouse or those in close relationships)?

·         Do you value yourself for who you are, first?

These are some of the heart issues to be healed if you want intimacy to be easier and more enjoyable. Yep, ya gotta be open to this type of discovery and co-laboring with Father God.

Many women carry emotional baggage from past experiences preventing them from enjoying true intimacy. By getting help from the right coach and the right tools, you can control your happiness for the relationship you deserve.

Re-Discover Your True Value and Who God Intended You to Be

Be Heard. Be Understood. Be Loved.

If past pain is preventing you from fully enjoying relationships (as God designed for you), then it’s time for help.

I Can Help.

Let’s set up a call today to find the relationship breakthrough you want. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session