Intimacy is one of the most precious rewards of a relationship. Just the same, it can be one of the most dreaded processes. Why is it such a big deal? How does it impact our sexuality?
These are truths we need to know.
As a married woman, sexual intimacy is a part of your everyday world in some capacity. This article will give you practical tips for sure, and a lot more. Just being able to talk about the issue sheds light on your concern and will open new doors of freedom.
But before I go on, let me make a bit of a disclaimer. The ideas I’ll share are designed for women in marriages who feel safe to be themselves. It’s for women who want to be healthy, and of course, trust all God has for them. If there is any hint of abuse in your marriage I will never suggest you dive into growing your sexuality without dealing with the overall health of your marriage. I don’t mean to be alarming or negative, but I know there is potential for messages to be skewed. So please read on with an attitude of keeping your heart safe.
If any discomfort arises from this article, I’m happy to chat with you and offer support.
Transition to Intimacy- what’s the big deal?
Feeling ripe and ready for sex isn’t automatic, even if you are happily married, totally committed, and wanting to grow your relationship. So don’t feel ‘bad’. It’s very normal to have an ebb and flow in your desire level. There are tons of reasons why. Fatigue. Distraction. Hormones. Body image. Relationship issues. Health. Stress. You might not know why. You might know the exact moment things began to shift for you. The issue is as specific and personalized as your DNA. If you want to pursue more understanding of the ‘why’ I have several resources. My books, Why Can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex? , my questionnaire “Blocks to Intimacy”, my “Healthy Sexuality Checklist” and, of course, Relationship Coaching with me to help you discover your ‘why’ and path to freedom.
What we’re going to focus on, though, is how to create your own bridge to freely engage in intimacy.
Intimacy was God’s idea to begin with. HE’s not surprised or embarrassed by what you are experiencing. HE wants you to know that HE sees you as His daughter. HE sees you with complete eyes of love. You are totally accepted by Him. Having your value come from His abundance of love and goodness towards you will create a new appreciation and confidence. So, include Him in your intimacy. Let this be a part of your prayer life (without any condemnation.) HE is the creator of transparency. Being vulnerable in Him (because of His love) is the ultimate example for us to follow.
I always recommend doing a Feeling Check-In during the day.
If you wait until intimacy time, you’ll be processing everything from your day and that will be a huge distraction and a delay to your intimacy. Affirming your self-value and acceptance is your responsibility even though the source of it is God (like I described above). So you being comfortable with ‘you’ goes a long way. Yes, we are a work in progress, but a strong self-esteem carries over into everything (and I mean everything) you do. And remember, intimacy is a choice. That is the gift you give to yourself, your spouse, and to your marriage.
This is the mother lode. What you are thinking determines everything. You have the opportunity to make a conscious shift. To be intentional. To release your magnitude of busy thoughts and begin to go someplace else. Yes, I know there are dental appointments to make, teachers to call, business deadlines to keep, prayer requests to carry, and so on. But, won’t they all be there two hours later? Will holding onto them tightly cause any better results? Learning the art of letting go will serve you in all areas of life. Plus, it’s a huge part of your faith walk.
I call this the exchange. You go from seeing yourself as the keeper of every detail of life to seeing yourself as a healthy sexual being.
Release the busy thoughts. Choose healthy thoughts about your godly identity as a sexual being. Encourage yourself to meditate on all the good that comes from that. Picture yourself enjoying intimacy with your husband… freely.
Now we’re ready for some fun. There are so many things you can do to transition from your hectic day to a place of intimacy. If you’ve addressed things spiritually, emotionally and mentally, then you are prepped for this last stage. Consider these:
· Draw a bath.
· Light a candle.
· Play some tunes.
· Apply your favorite scent.
· Wear your prettiest or wildest attire.
· Do some deep breathing to relax.
· Practice a few kegal exercises.
· Create your setting.
Of course, we have to mention your hubs in the process. It does include him, right?! So this may be an additional tricky part. Do you know what you want? Do you know how to ask for it? Being assertive is an important part of meaningful interaction in life, and it is absolutely invaluable in sexual intimacy. There is an ‘us’ that is bigger than you (or him) as individuals.
You can ask your husband to help you transition. You don’t have to add this responsibility to your ‘to do’ list.
It’s true. Men don’t struggle with this transition as much because they compartmentalize. That’s actually God’s design so they are better protectors. They can make those quick decisions without entanglement that keep us safe in crisis moments.
But, as loving husbands they want you to be at your best. They want to help you, but don’t know what you need. You will have to know what to ask them for and how to ask for it. Puzzled? Consider these:
· Have you had a manicure where the technician rubs your hands with lotion (in a non-sexual way)? That helps you relax. You can ask your husband for the same.
· Ask him to help create the setting with music, candles or special items.
· Ask him to cover your tasks 15 minutes early so you can have your adjustment period.
· Ask him to offer to draw your bath.
· Ask him to ask you what you need sometimes.
· Ask him to create anticipation by agreeing to place a certain pillow on the bed if there’s interest.
· Ask him how he’d like to help you, which helps ‘us’.
You need a plan to put this into action. You didn’t get here overnight. You won’t go from struggling to rocking it overnight, but you will make progress. Pick one area of support at a time to explore and begin bringing up the topic with your husband. He may not understand at first, but it’s probably not about you. It will take some re-wiring of his brain to follow you. But once he is on-board, you will have your biggest supporter.
· Keep learning about yourself.
· Affirm your value in God.
· Be aware of your sensual side and what brings you pleasure.
· Grow your emotional intimacy with your husband.
Even if this is completely foreign to you or was formerly on your taboo list, you can bring amazing freedom to your intimacy.
I talk about this with women all over the world every day. If you want personalized support, let’s talk. God wants you to know oneness and freedom in your marriage. There are so many things we can do to bring you to the place of your dreams in intimacy. Let’s work together to create His best for your ‘us’.
For Relationship Coaching contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org