What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Sex- How it’s a Compliment to Her

I love receiving emails from husbands who want to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage.

We find ways to measure if the relationship is getting better.

Here are 3 specific things he wishes ‘you’ knew.


1. He wants you to be there- mind body and soul

What are the signs that you’re not showing up in your mind? You may be checking your to-do list in your head. You’re thinking about activities with the kids or the family vacation, and you’re not really present. He wants you to focus on everything good about the two of you being together at that moment.

God has so many blessings for sexual intimacy in marriage. Being fully present has to happen to become ONE.

2. He wants you to know what you want.

Knowing what you want may have been in your taboo zone, but when you are not engaged with him it sends a message of rejection. When you don’t know your preference for the sensations that you like and the pleasure you want, it could be doing more harm than you are aware of.

If you’re not sure of what you like he is willing to explore with you and help you find out. 😉

3. He wants you to tell him

When you don’t tell him it’s like you’re assuming he’s a mind reader. That creates frustration which will also create distance. It works against you when you can’t tell him what you like. If telling him feels awkward you can always show him. You can take his hand and guide him while he’s touching you. You can show which parts of your body you want to be touched with a unique intensity and frequency.

You are the best teacher for him and you want to be the only teacher for him about your body.

When you can tell him what you like, it opens the door to exploring new things. You can talk about it and anticipate what it might feel like. You will bond through that experience.

But there’s sometimes an awkwardness with talking about sex.

It’s caused by the culture we live in (with taboos) and also the church circles may make it difficult. That’s why I wrote the books, Why can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex?

These books will help you understand your perception of sex. There’s even a template to help you share with your spouse what you want them to know about you. Check it out:

Buy Here

How is this a compliment, to hear what your husband wants in sex?

Watch it HERE!

The compliment is: he wants you and no one else. He chooses you again and again.

What request do you struggle with most: (Please share in the comments.)

Being fully present

Knowing what you like

Telling (and showing) what you like

What’s “OK” for Your Married Sex Life?


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Do you struggle to know what’s ‘off-limits’ in your married sex life?

Most Christian couples want to honor God but it seems like there are gray areas in the Bible. How can they determine the specific activities that will be pleasurable and also within the scope of acceptable behavior?

There are 3 main questions to consider.

  1. Is it mutually agreed upon?

  2. Is it respectful for both spouses?

  3. Does it fall in line with Scriptural principles?

What about ‘press the envelope’ activities?

Although the Bible is very clear about “Thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28), there are lots activities not mentioned.

3 Taboo areas to discuss with your spouse are:

Learn guidelines to help you choose so both partners experience mutual satisfaction and respect.

What activities are you considering to add to your married sex life but you’re not sure how they fit with God’s guidelines? Please share in the comments.

How Hardships Change Relationships


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There are two sides to enduring hardship together.

Just sharing the same experience doesn’t automatically guarantee bonding. If you don’t openly express what’s going on inside of you, yet assume your spouse has the exact same perspective, you can wrongly attach deep feelings to them. Without joint, significant and mutual investment in the relationship, you may engage in a false intimacy.

This could surprise you tremendously, cause a huge disappointment and division, and leave you with greater hurt and loneliness.

To achieve a benefit from a shared hardship, intentional action must happen.

1. Identify your own feelings (fears, hopes, and authentic ebb and flow)

2. Share in a nurturing environment (free from belittling and full of trust)

3. Create acceptance for others to express (vulnerability and grace) 

You talk about what you are experiencing during the nitty-gritty, listening and welcoming your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and needs, also. Remember, their perspective will include new and different ideas.

The power of the bonding, though, happens when you recall these experiences on the OTHER side.

You verbalize the struggles, the choices, and the mishaps. There will be no reason to hide what didn’t go well, because it was already shared in the light.

When you bare your soul in a safe and secure relationship, you create a fierce union. Every ‘remember when’ story reinforces your past journey, present commitment and future trajectory. It’s more than words. It’s a testimony of your faith. It’s an alignment with heaven.

God is for your marriage.

You can co-create with Him by putting feet to His promise of blessing. Bring ‘oneness’ through one intentional and simple step of intimacy.    

Bust the Quarantine Crazies


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“2020 marks the highest spike in online learning.” Do you think that’s the headline we’ll read in a few years? 

Yes, we have some extra time and togetherness on our hands right now. It has a huge impact on your everyday life.  But, if you get caught up in the frenzy, you might re-waken past resentments. Or you could learn new relationship tools, and come out closer and stronger.

What you do determines your outcome.

Follow the learning trend. Get the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

Apply these tips:

1. It’s NOT about you.

Of course, your feelings and needs matter. What I’m saying is, when your spouse blows up over business closings, the stock market, or the kid’s homeschool stuff everywhere, that’s NOT a slam directed towards you. He is just releasing his anxiety in your direction. (You might be doing the same thing.)  

2. Their point counts.

You have a unique lens in which to see the world. So does your spouse. The things that upset them (hoarding TP), are just as valid as your own ideas. Give them space and affirm their concerns and worries. They will feel safer. This opens the door to even deeper and closer communication. 

3. Set a boundary.

Social Distancing is now a part of our new normal. It’s the perfect visual for emotional distancing. I’m not talking about self-protecting with walls. But not every need your spouse shares is up to you to fix. Choose what you receive and what you give (emotionally) based on levels of trust and respect.  

  

We can turn this situation around.

Genesis 50:20 highlights the story of Joseph and his brothers. He experienced many trials at their hands. They worried he would turn on them. Instead, He said, “what you meant for evil, God used for good.” We are looking for God’s goodness in the quarantine time.   

Your relationship CAN come out closer and stronger.  

Remember:

  • You don’t have to do this in your own strength.

  • God’s love is your source.

  • Draw on Him for Limitless Intimacy.   

Valentine’s Day Won”t Fix the Hurt in Your Marriage


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Don’t expect Valentine’s Day to fix your hurt!

Neither one of you can make-up for sharp words or walls built for self-protection by one dinner out or one array of flowers.

Pretending it didn’t happen (for that one day) is not reality either.

What you could say is: Hey, I know things aren’t great right now, but I still want to be with you. I want to make a place for ‘us’.

Then, agree on a time to have a talk about what’s going on – a different time than your Date Night.

It’s amazing how that simple act will diffuse anxiety and then you really can enjoy (at least a bit more) the expected Valentine’s Day activity.

Nobody is a mind-reader.

~You don’t know his fears (if what you see is anger).

~He doesn’t know your hurt (if what you show him is distance).

Your goal is NOT 💯 agreement.
Your goal is understanding.

Understanding only comes through connecting with intentional words and your whole person.

The good news is: you can be heard, understood and loved.

It just takes a willingness to heal and a commitment to learn communication skills.

God’s love is limitless. HE’ll walk you through every step.

To build connection in simple steps you can do daily, try the 30-Day Marriage Challenge. You can find in in the Free Resource section of my website https://marywhitmanortiz.com/books-and-resources

If you’d like more one-to-one support, the Love Sense Questionnaire and Coaching Session is amazing. I’m offering it as a Valentine’s Day Special Feb 19, 2020. Check that out here

https://marywhitmanortiz.com/love-sense-special

Remember, you can be heard, understood and loved.

How does the Super Bowl Half-Time Show Impact Your Sex Life?


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Let’s Talk about IT!

There’s one thing you might not know that could cause you to grieve even more. (It’s closer to home than any other issue.)  

The LIV Super Bowl Half-Time show happened last night. It is affecting our culture today. Let’s speak out and be a voice for holy sexuality.

Let’s be a part of the SOLUTION.  

Yes! We saw entertainment that was inappropriate for children. (Even though children were included. )

Yes! This type of dancing degrades women and healthy, Godly sexuality.

Yes! These images contribute to sexual exploitation.

It can also be said though, that the performers are highly talented, and as individuals are worthy of value and God’s love. They are merely products of our culture, following the social trends of the day. Knowing this is the norm for our society can grieve our hearts for sure.  

But how does this impact the Christian marriage– between husband and wife?

From my experience, as a relationship coach and a leader in the church since the 1980s, Christian couples are both uninformed and misinformed about healthy, Godly sexual intimacy in marriage.

So how will the Half-Time show impact a multitude of Christian marriages (maybe even your own)?

1. They will be repulsed, angered and judgmental. All of their “NO-s’ will be reinforced.  

2. They will be mildly intrigued, curious and swayed. Their standard for morality isn’t secure.

3. They will be shamed again for their past experiences.   But not willing or able to get help.

4. They will shut down their sexual expression with their own spouse. You can’t be ‘hot’ and holy.

Why do Christians struggle with healthy and Godly intimacy in marriage?

1. They spend a lot of time and energy countering the world and their own past.

2. They trip up on sexual messages embedded in church culture that have been twisted.

3. They CAN’T TALK OPENLY with their spouse about sex.

4. They don’t have a foundation of trust, vulnerability and commitment.

5. They have no idea how to apply verses like Hebrews 13:4 in a practical way.

The good news is:

1. Healing, freedom and joy in intimacy is available.

2. Emotional intimacy can be learned.  

We will ONLY change the sexual climate if we speak out.

The images you saw at Half-Time are truly disturbing. But there is so much more at stake.

The images you are not seeing (the hurt, dysfunction and trauma in bedrooms of Christian married couples) is devastating heartbreak. That is what you can truly grieve.

We have HIS love yet we don’t know how to bring it into our most intimate connections.   

That’s why I created Limitless Intimacy, LLC, to bring healing and joy to the sexual soul. Father God’s love is limitless.

HE wants the very best for us.

When we release the hurt, lies and shame and replace it with His love and truth, we restore His design for intimacy and reclaim ALL HE has for us. Then, we overflow His love and reconcile others.

Please reach out if this speaks to you.

Do you want personal healing? We can talk.

Do you want to bring this message of healthy intimacy God’s way to your group? Let’s talk.

Let’s be the SOLUTION. Let’s talk.   

Boundaries: How to NOT be Influenced by Someone Who is NOT in Your Safe Circle


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It happens. Times with family. Acquaintances who are pushy. Fan crush without the relationship.

Use this Boundary Checklist to see whose words have permission to affect your heart.

Boundary Checklist

1. Do you have a history of a good relationship?

2. Do you trust they have your best interest in mind?

3. Is it a two-way street; you both give and receive?

4. Do you have similar values?

5. Do they walk in integrity?      

If the answer is NO to 3 or more, find a loving way to NOT receive their information and/or influence.

Try these “I hear you, but…” replies.

Gentle Redirections   

1. Thank you for thinking of me.

2. I appreciate your time to connect.

3. It’s kind of you to reach out to me.

4. I’m seeking what God wants to do in this.

5. I hear what you’re saying.

6. I’m looking for the BIG picture.

7. There are many ways to handle the situation.

8. There are lots of layers to this.

9. I’m not in a rush about anything.

10. Thank you for sharing.

REMEMBER, they want to engage you.

If you start reacting to the thoughts they shared, you will get drawn in. Then, it becomes confusing. It seems like you want to receive MORE. They will misunderstand it.

Your BEST plan is to relay a single comment, excuse yourself, and WALK AWAY. You must exit. You must LEAVE the conversation. That is the toughest part, but it is the most honoring to you both.  

Walk away to clearly set the tone.

Allow into your heart and life, the words and actions you trust. The safe circles can change and be adjusted at times, but it always includes relationships based on respect.

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study Week 4


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Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.

Let’s dive in!

Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.

The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear

How do you ASK for sex?

1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)

2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)

3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)

How do you RESPOND to the ask?

1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)

2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)

Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?

Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.

In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?

There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.

And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.

Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels

Development as a Sexual Adult

1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off

2. Able to be sensitive to partner

3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)

Development as a Sexual Adolescent

1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’

2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression

3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)

4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk

Development as a Sexual Child

1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do

2. Rarely initiate sex

3. Rarely talk about sex

When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.

NOT initiating communicates:

I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)

Whereas, initiating sex says:

I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.

Wow! What a difference!

If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line. 

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgade Your Sex Life Book Study 3


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Dr. Douglas Weiss’ book is nothing short of groundbreaking! Not only do the 5 sexual expressions (Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience/Gentleness, and Accept/Celebrate) provide objective descriptions, but there’s more support to find out WHY strains of immaturity are present. That’s today’s topic: Roadblocks.

Who Does This Apply To

There are some clarifications needed before the roadblocks are addressed. First of all, these roadblocks are not about interpersonal communication, meaning joint issues for both spouses. Second, if you recognize your own story here, take action. Third, if this seems to be your spouse, be supportive. Fourth, if your spouse does not take action, be ready to seek your own support to know how to manage your part of the marriage. Lastly, Roadblocks are typically from before your current relationship/marriage. Therefore, you are neither the cause nor the cure. 

Roadblock #1: Abuse

Abuse looks like MORE than the normal bumps of childhood. It can fall on either extreme: intentional and physical harm or neglect, even to withhold medical care. Parents themselves may be immature, addicted or suffer a mood disorder. In my words, they may be repeating how there saw their own parents react.

In an emotional setting, parents may create an environment that isn’t safe for sharing feelings or being honest. They may not support the uniqueness of their child… you. This can be communicated verbally (ridicule, control) or nonverbally (silence, avoidance).

Sexual abuse causes feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, lack of trust, and compensation through over performing and over-giving. I’d add ‘over-explaining, over-apologizing, and overly taking responsibility for faults and tasks that are not your own’.

Sexual abuse also affects sexual behavior on both extremes; from hypersexual to diminished desire to totally disconnected, even a fantasy or blank state of mind. 

Sexual neglect towards a child or adolescent looks like NOT providing appropriate information and education on ~body changes, ~the meaning of sex, ~the standards of your family or culture, and ~the relational aspects of sex, i.e. we show love and commitment as a husband ad wife in our marriage through sexual intimacy. 

If the effects of sexual abuse is NOT addressed it will: LIMIT how you give and receive Inside and Outside the BEDROOM.

Roadblock #2 Addiction

All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development.

That is worth repeating. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping. The addict:

·         Emotes like a 13-15 year-old

·         Can’t define right from wrong

·         Cant’ take responsibility (for self)

·         Lives in a fantasy world

·         Thinks they can do as they please, without consequences

But in recovery, after moving from immature to healthy, they can connect and have even greater sex!

Sexual Addiction

·         Limits the ability to be authentic

·         Includes pornography, masturbation, sexting and hookups

·         Causes comparison which creates dissatisfaction

It can bring about:

·         Betrayal (there’s a struggler and a partner)

·         STDs

·         Job loss, financial loss

·         Erosion of family

Roadblock #3 Anorexia

Although we typically think of this term in regards to an eating disorder of withholding food, Dr. Weiss has coined a term, intimacy anorexia.  One partner withholds emotional, spiritual or sexual intimacy. The partner feels alone, disconnected, unnoticed, and unwanted.

How does it happen? Distance is created by:

·         Being busy – with work, kid’s projects, even helping at church

·         Speaking blame – I’m doing these things because of you

·         Withholding love and praise

In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner.

Yes, this is also worth repeating. This kind of distance is NOT just a certain personality type that has a problem opening up. It is also NOT because they don’t know how or they are afraid. It is an intentional withholding.

It may be the most noticeable in:

·         Criticism

·         Anger/Silence

·         Money usage that is manipulated

·         Roommate Status – with no blow-ups, but also no closeness

Ho w to Resolve

I disagree strongly with Dr. Weiss on how to bring recovery to this issue. I won’t even state his suggestions. I employ 5 R’s to bring healing.

1. Recognize impact (You have to acknowledge what is happening.)

2. Release lies/wounds (Your identity and value has been jeopardized by this hurt.)

3. Replace with God’s Truth (You can choose what God promises and the love HE has for you.)

4. Restore wholeness (You create a new lifestyle of choices that honor you.)

5. Reclaim identity (You see and receive the power and blessing of being God’s child.) 

Your Power in Your Sexual Intimacy

Learning how to be responsible for what you want in your sex life, what asking for sex looks like (in a healthy way), and applying practical phrases for being a clear communicator are the last thoughts we’ll cover. This is the practical application of the entire book. Don’t miss next week’s video or blog!

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

 

 

 

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 2


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The 5 sexual expressions, written by Dr. Douglas Weiss, are as ground-breaking to sexual intimacy as the 5 love languages are to relationships. By recognizing your own tendencies in these objective descriptions, you will reduce your anxiety. There’s nothing like knowing you are not alone, your views are not ‘crazy’, and you can make all of the changes you desire.  

PLEASURE as a Sexual Expression

Do you enjoy learning about new techniques, like where to put your hands and what activities to combine together?  Do you see sexuality as an unlimited, multidimensional and ever-growing experience? Do you want to be understood and explored as a whole person with an entire range of sexual pleasure with your spouse? This might be your innate expression.

PATIENCE as a Sexual Expression  

Would your sexual experience be even better if there was a designated space, both in time set aside and in a very private location? Is the type of touch you like very light, almost barely there and possibly with an extended time for foreplay? Have you preferred an orgasmic encounter that’s based on consistency and reliability of motion and stimulation? This might be your innate expression.

A quick pushback on the name of this expression: out of the 5, this word doesn’t have the same positive connotation. Compare it yourself- fun, desire, pleasure, patience, and acceptance/celebration. Because of that and, in conjunction with the description, I propose we rename it to: gentleness. That seems more appealing than ‘patience’ but it still communicates a similar feeling. What do you think?

ACCEPTANCE/CELEBRATION as a Sexual Expression   

How does the thought of ‘all of me’ loving and being known by you, speak to you? How does it feel when your spouse doesn’t just ‘love’ you but also likes you and is proud of you? If given the choice, would you pick words of value and gratitude as a part of your sexual experience? This might be your innate expression.

Immature Expressions

All of these expressions also have immature counterparts. It’s typically selfish and even demanding. They may confuse sex for love. This unhealthy version could have been prompted by neglect, trauma, sexual abuse or addiction. But by using this information to grow in your understanding  (as an individual first),  you can still make the changes you want to… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

ROADBLOCKS to Healthy Sexual Expression

Stay tuned for the next post about possible Roadblocks that have gotten you stuck in your process. You may not be aware of past experiences that have hurt you. You may have buried them deep, but know they’re there. It’s time for your healing.  

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

From Invisible to Living Out Loud

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session