3 Must Have Communication Tips Even When Connection Is Distant


church contemporary worship

Every time I go to church I sense…  she’s here.

She’s crying out to God, feeling alone in the midst of the crowd, and wondering and fearing about what might happen.

Broken hearted, she hopes her husband will want to do something with her (for them), but she can’t even put into words what she wants.

 It gets all too emotional when she talks.

The pain is so great she can’t be objective

If she brings it up, the conversation turns into another cycle of confusion, rejection and more hurt.

Why doesn’t she know how to talk to him… anymore?

What would she even say if everything was just right to be heard?

How can she get herself ready to have the most important talk of her life?

If having a more meaningful relationship is your hope and dream here are some must have tips.

  1. Recognize that God is your source in every way. I love thinking of the comfort and refuge He provides in Psalms 91 as I pull up my own comforter and snuggle in bed.  “Ahhh…” I’m hiding under the shadow of His wing.
  2. Create a new pattern of listening to your thoughts… when you aren’t in stress. Identify your feelings and recognize what events trigger both pleasant and uncomfortable feelings. Be a student of yourself, so you can better share what’s going on inside.
  3. Prioritize the concerns you need to communicate. Consider the best setting (free of distractions, agreeable by both) and set the tone with beverages or snacks of choice. Be calm and frame your words with “I feel _____ when ____ happens and I’d rather feel _______.”

There are many other communication tips, but this is a great foundation.

When distance and damage in an emotional connection drains you in every area of your life, you will have to intentionally address the hurt and develop new ways to connect. Although it may feel awkward and unnatural at first, you can create loving ways to feel close… again.

Do You Know What You Want (What You Really, Really Want?)


girl kicking water at sunset

If you knew what you wanted… what you really, really wanted… how would that help you?

Is it all about getting your way? Is it to control other people and make your life easier, even happier? Is that the connotation we have sometimes when it comes to people freely expressing themselves and their requests?

Unfortunately, knowing what you want AND how to ask for it can be seen as a negative characteristic. But, when used in the best possible way, it’s a win-win-win. It actually produces self-confidence which makes everyone involved not only more comfortable but also more productive!

Let’s dive into that a bit more.

Being assertive means-

  •  I know what’s going on inside of me.
  • I’ve identified my feelings.
  • If I have a need, I can ask for it intentionally.

Just think about how much peace is created when we take responsibility for our needs (either by fulfilling them ourselves or with others). No more wondering what’s bothering you, how to get past a yucky feeling, or shutting down due to being overwhelmed.

And in personal relationships- how welcoming would it be to squelch the drama and just have meaningful conversations with reduced fear and a common goal of respecting and supporting one another?!!  Wow! Such a tremendous goal!

Knowing what you want… what you really, really want…  transforms your communication into something filled with PEACE, CLARITY, and RESPECT.

Stay tuned to find out ‘why we don’t usually choose assertiveness’, and the ‘step by step process to develop a healthy assertiveness lifestyle”.  And, a boundaries and love languages combo to bring it all together. Parts II, III and IV to follow.

What’s “OK” for Your Married Sex Life?


what's ok for Christians.png

Do you struggle to know what’s ‘off-limits’ in your married sex life?

Most Christian couples want to honor God but it seems like there are gray areas in the Bible. How can they determine the specific activities that will be pleasurable and also within the scope of acceptable behavior?

There are 3 main questions to consider.

  1. Is it mutually agreed upon?

  2. Is it respectful for both spouses?

  3. Does it fall in line with Scriptural principles?

What about ‘press the envelope’ activities?

Although the Bible is very clear about “Thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28), there are lots activities not mentioned.

3 Taboo areas to discuss with your spouse are:

Learn guidelines to help you choose so both partners experience mutual satisfaction and respect.

What activities are you considering to add to your married sex life but you’re not sure how they fit with God’s guidelines? Please share in the comments.

Is it more difficult to manage sexual purity before marriage or healthy sexuality afterward?


married sexuality.png

Your sexuality is a treasure entrusted to you by God. How you manage it lies in your hands.

If you’re single, your sexuality might be on your mind… a lot. The attraction, the excitement, the longing… the decisions on how to handle it. It’s a BIG deal! Everyday!

If you’re married, how often is your sexuality on your mind? Are you finding mutually desirable ways to meet your needs? Are you staying in touch with what makes you come alive? Are you choosing to create the time to transition to intimacy?

~You are the only one entrusted with your sexuality.~

Does the health of your sexuality right NOW reflect how well you treasure it?

Single Ladies

As a single lady, do you let the guy make all the decisions about how you treat your sexual identity? NO! You decide:

~How you will honor your values

~How you will respect God’s blessings for you

~How you will let integrity have a louder presence than feelings

Married Ladies

So married ladies, what are the decisions you make regarding your sexual identity? Does it all revolve around your husband?

Don’t go crazy on me! I’m not saying involve other men besides your husband. Whew! Nope, that’s not where I’m going. My point is…

if men don’t define you before marriage, why would they define you after marriage?

Is this an intriguing topic to you? Hear ALL about the “Whys” and “Why Not-s”. Walk away with some fresh tips. 

Tuesday, Sept 5th at 6:30 EDT.

Join us for the LIVE event.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/GodlyGirlTalk/

~Married ladies, you are the one making the decisions regarding your sexual identity.~

What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Sex- How it’s a Compliment to Her

I love receiving emails from husbands who want to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage.

We find ways to measure if the relationship is getting better.

Here are 3 specific things he wishes ‘you’ knew.


1. He wants you to be there- mind body and soul

What are the signs that you’re not showing up in your mind? You may be checking your to-do list in your head. You’re thinking about activities with the kids or the family vacation, and you’re not really present. He wants you to focus on everything good about the two of you being together at that moment.

God has so many blessings for sexual intimacy in marriage. Being fully present has to happen to become ONE.

2. He wants you to know what you want.

Knowing what you want may have been in your taboo zone, but when you are not engaged with him it sends a message of rejection. When you don’t know your preference for the sensations that you like and the pleasure you want, it could be doing more harm than you are aware of.

If you’re not sure of what you like he is willing to explore with you and help you find out. 😉

3. He wants you to tell him

When you don’t tell him it’s like you’re assuming he’s a mind reader. That creates frustration which will also create distance. It works against you when you can’t tell him what you like. If telling him feels awkward you can always show him. You can take his hand and guide him while he’s touching you. You can show which parts of your body you want to be touched with a unique intensity and frequency.

You are the best teacher for him and you want to be the only teacher for him about your body.

When you can tell him what you like, it opens the door to exploring new things. You can talk about it and anticipate what it might feel like. You will bond through that experience.

But there’s sometimes an awkwardness with talking about sex.

It’s caused by the culture we live in (with taboos) and also the church circles may make it difficult. That’s why I wrote the books, Why can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex?

These books will help you understand your perception of sex. There’s even a template to help you share with your spouse what you want them to know about you. Check it out:

How is this a compliment, to hear what your husband wants in sex?

Watch it HERE!

The compliment is: he wants you and no one else. He chooses you again and again.

What request do you struggle with most: (Please share in the comments.)

Being fully present

Knowing what you like

Telling (and showing) what you like

What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Sex- How it’s a Compliment to Her

I love receiving emails from husbands who want to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage.

We find ways to measure if the relationship is getting better.

Here are 3 specific things he wishes ‘you’ knew.


1. He wants you to be there- mind body and soul

What are the signs that you’re not showing up in your mind? You may be checking your to-do list in your head. You’re thinking about activities with the kids or the family vacation, and you’re not really present. He wants you to focus on everything good about the two of you being together at that moment.

God has so many blessings for sexual intimacy in marriage. Being fully present has to happen to become ONE.

2. He wants you to know what you want.

Knowing what you want may have been in your taboo zone, but when you are not engaged with him it sends a message of rejection. When you don’t know your preference for the sensations that you like and the pleasure you want, it could be doing more harm than you are aware of.

If you’re not sure of what you like he is willing to explore with you and help you find out. 😉

3. He wants you to tell him

When you don’t tell him it’s like you’re assuming he’s a mind reader. That creates frustration which will also create distance. It works against you when you can’t tell him what you like. If telling him feels awkward you can always show him. You can take his hand and guide him while he’s touching you. You can show which parts of your body you want to be touched with a unique intensity and frequency.

You are the best teacher for him and you want to be the only teacher for him about your body.

When you can tell him what you like, it opens the door to exploring new things. You can talk about it and anticipate what it might feel like. You will bond through that experience.

But there’s sometimes an awkwardness with talking about sex.

It’s caused by the culture we live in (with taboos) and also the church circles may make it difficult. That’s why I wrote the books, Why can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex?

These books will help you understand your perception of sex. There’s even a template to help you share with your spouse what you want them to know about you. Check it out:

How is this a compliment, to hear what your husband wants in sex?

Watch it HERE!

The compliment is: he wants you and no one else. He chooses you again and again.

What request do you struggle with most: (Please share in the comments.)

Being fully present

Knowing what you like

Telling (and showing) what you like

3 Ways to STOP Your Entrepreneurial Spirit from Being an Obstacle in Your Marriage


What do you do if the one person you LOVE MOST in the world doesn’t ‘get’ or support your work?

They say, ‘opposites attract’, but let’s be honest, the opposing friction we like best is the result of GOOD chemistry.

So how do you deal with differing views on what’s super important to you: like your BIZ?

1. Validate yourself.

Acknowledge your own effort and DARING SPIRIT, your amazing commitment, your desire to SERVE and bring significant change and help to your sphere of influence. It’s a GOOD thing. It counts.

Your resilience is powerful. You’re getting sharper, clearer, and more effective every day. Yay you! for being both a DREAMER and a DOER. You are a rare breed.

Yay God! for making you exactly like you are, the only person who can bring your specific gifts to the world. Your PASSION for life is real. It matters!

2. Get Support.

There is NO need to do life alone, in any situation, especially one that is so tough. Find like-minded WOMEN who can walk the path with you.

Have one ahead of you to LEAD and assist. Have one behind you to extend your INSIGHT. Have ones on your right and left on which to lean, celebrate, and be ACCOUNTABLE and vulnerable.

Remember to pick them wisely. We’re not casting our pearls before swine here. Get a gauge for RESPECTFUL support and shared goals.

3. Communicate wisely.

Let’s dive into this a bit. He’s your man, not your enemy. Your DESIRE is to stay close and connected. Even through sharing differences, you can still be holding ‘US’ as your biggest priority.

And one more mind blowing idea for you- the goal is NOT 100% agreement. The goal IS 100% understanding.

You are two, separate individuals. Having different strengths makes you stronger TOGETHER.

Consider these points:

  • If it’s important to me, that’s enough.
  • His differences do NOT negate my values.
  • Boundaries in marriage are very healthy and actually create MORE closeness.

This is just a starting place.

If you want to know more how to communicate using: assertiveness, emotional word pictures, relational focus, and low-pressure strategies, let’s chat.

God is for you, your gifts, and your MARRIAGE. There is a way to make it happen.         

What Happens When We Know What We Want, What We Really, Really Want? (Part 4)


Knowing how to ask for what you want can be separated into 4 categories: People, Place, Time, Words

People

Ask yourself, “What people have I invited into my inner circle because they have shown me (by their behavior) that I am valued and safe?” If you TRUST them (you feel respected and believe in their integrity), then you can consider if they are someone with whom you want to build a deeper relationship. Sharing ‘what you want’ with them has the potential to grow your relationship.

Place

Once you’ve determined who you want to share with, you can consider an ideal location. This needs to be free from extra distractions (like kids in-and-out and sports on the TV) and full of options for comfort that would put you both at ease (like refreshments and pleasant seating). It can happen most anywhere, on which you both agree.

Time

The time focuses on when and how long you share. Picking a mutually agreeable time (usually not first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening) and committing to a limited amount of time (maybe 30 minutes max) will make the process easier. As you build on these kinds of experiences you can say more in less time and almost spontaneously go to a deeper level of communication.

Words

“I” statements are the least threatening way to reflect on your concerns. This relieves the other person of feeling judged or blamed. If you have an idea about a common issue, you could use phrases like, “I’m puzzled when you ________” or “I have a concern about _____and a request to change it to____”. Concentrate on your perspective, because the goal is to bring understanding.

Assertiveness will grow with you as you put it into practice more and more. As long as the goal is bringing your whole self to the situation (and not being bossy or sassy) then it’s actually very respectful and freeing for the both of you.

If this still seems to be a bit much to manage because of a backlog of negative messages that affect your self-esteem and confidence, I have another service to offer.

Build Your Self-Esteem

“Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day” is a one-to-one ALL day coaching session. There is time to identify your feelings and fears, release the lies that have limited you and replace them with God’s truth about your identity. This is led in a relaxing, beachside setting at Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, through SKYPE.

For all the details go to: http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value

Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.      

When is a Secret NOT a Good Thing?


She wanted to get away from it all for a little while.    She needed some time to think when ‘he’ wasn’t on her case or in her face. But even when she left the busyness and noise behind, his words were still ringing loud and strong in her thoughts. His actions were still fresh in her memories. How could she make it stop?      It wasn’t always like this.    When they were first together she felt like a princess. He was so attentive. He brought her gifts. He couldn’t get enough of being with her. But gradually things began to shift. It’s like she didn’t have total ownership of her thoughts or feelings anymore. Everything had to be shared with him and run through his perspective.  And, if that wasn’t bad enough, it all got weirdly connected to sex, too.     Yes, she wanted to please him, but at the same time, it was everything she could do to be intimate with him. She felt exposed, too vulnerable, and if she really faced it… she felt violated. It was like he didn’t want to be with her. He didn’t want to know her. He didn’t want to bond, to be close, or to be one. He wanted her, for her body, for what he could take for his enjoyment.     It made her cry. Often.      She loved him, but felt used by him.    She wanted to be with him, to make love to him, but it didn’t feel special like love. It felt cold and wrong.  There was no personal connection. There was only a physical act with a physiological response. To participate she had to separate who she was in her heart, from who she was in that moment... kidnapped by his agenda.     There was nothing godly or healthy in this scene, and now she felt stuck. Trapped in a twisted cycle of fooling everyone on the outside with a smile, while on the inside not admitting what was really happening. What could she do? How could she ever get past this? Out of this? Free from this?      Sexual trauma and dysfunction are all too common.    We’re devastated when it happens and disappointed to know it’s alive and well, even in the bedrooms of community and church leaders, alike. The worst part is… the more upstanding your position is in the community, the more likely you are to keep it a secret.     Secrets are only good for Christmas and surprise birthday parties.     If you are miserable and feel compromised in your sex life and intimacy, don’t keep it a secret. Find a dear trusted friend, a female Christian leader you know and respect, or seek professional help. It doesn’t have to stay that way.      Stay tuned for Parts Two and Three on why this is happening and how you can bring the hope, change and freedom you want. Remember, you are not alone. Even if life seems scary at this moment there are more options for you to choose.  Your heavenly Father calls you His beautiful and chosen daughter. That is the vision for your future. You can “Be Known & Loved.”

She wanted to get away from it all for a little while.

She needed some time to think when ‘he’ wasn’t on her case or in her face. But even when she left the busyness and noise behind, his words were still ringing loud and strong in her thoughts. His actions were still fresh in her memories. How could she make it stop?

It wasn’t always like this.

When they were first together she felt like a princess. He was so attentive. He brought her gifts. He couldn’t get enough of being with her. But gradually things began to shift. It’s like she didn’t have total ownership of her thoughts or feelings anymore. Everything had to be shared with him and run through his perspective.  And, if that wasn’t bad enough, it all got weirdly connected to sex, too.

Yes, she wanted to please him, but at the same time, it was everything she could do to be intimate with him. She felt exposed, too vulnerable, and if she really faced it… she felt violated. It was like he didn’t want to be with her. He didn’t want to know her. He didn’t want to bond, to be close, or to be one. He wanted her, for her body, for what he could take for his enjoyment.

It made her cry. Often.

She loved him, but felt used by him.

She wanted to be with him, to make love to him, but it didn’t feel special like love. It felt cold and wrong.  There was no personal connection. There was only a physical act with a physiological response. To participate she had to separate who she was in her heart, from who she was in that moment… kidnapped by his agenda.

There was nothing godly or healthy in this scene, and now she felt stuck. Trapped in a twisted cycle of fooling everyone on the outside with a smile, while on the inside not admitting what was really happening. What could she do? How could she ever get past this? Out of this? Free from this?

Sexual trauma and dysfunction are all too common.

We’re devastated when it happens and disappointed to know it’s alive and well, even in the bedrooms of community and church leaders, alike. The worst part is… the more upstanding your position is in the community, the more likely you are to keep it a secret.

Secrets are only good for Christmas and surprise birthday parties.

If you are miserable and feel compromised in your sex life and intimacy, don’t keep it a secret. Find a dear trusted friend, a female Christian leader you know and respect, or seek professional help. It doesn’t have to stay that way. 

Stay tuned for Parts Two and Three on why this is happening and how you can bring the hope, change and freedom you want. Remember, you are not alone. Even if life seems scary at this moment there are more options for you to choose.  Your heavenly Father calls you His beautiful and chosen daughter. That is the vision for your future. You can “Be Known & Loved.”

3 Signs Your Relationship is Stagnant or Worse


We were created for RELATIONSHIP.

It’s in our DNA to be known and loved, by God’s design for us.

Relationship affects EVERY area of your life, from a casual EXCHANGE at the grocery check-out, to important CONVERSATIONS with your children’s teachers, and ultimately, with intimate CONNECTIONS that are based on vulnerability and trust.

Sometimes relationships feel like something is just ‘off’ or there is a missing piece. Other times there is deep and almost debilitating HURT. The wounds are so powerful they shut you down and CHANGE the course of your life…forever.

Do you want to get it together before a potential PROBLEM begins or increases?

What areas of pain are in your life right now?

  1. Emotional DISTANCE, lack of connection, or awkward and uncomfortable settings where you don’t click, and may even be prompted to pull away.
  2. Unpleasant COMMUNICATION filled with surface or social talk (only), negative words and belittling tones, or a downward spiral of accusations and intentionally harmful arguments.
  3.  Substitutes for relational INTERACTION from ‘good busyness’, to choosing distractions because you’re in denial, or finally succumbing to addictive behaviors that attempt to fill a void.   

These scenarios can play out in a million ways, but what’s at the core? How do we SOLVE THE PROBLEM?

Let’s start where we have the most power. Who are YOU?  

  1. Do you acknowledge and VALIDATE your own thoughts, feelings and needs?
  2. Do you know how to EXPRESS your innermost ideas? When? To Whom?
  3. Do you have an UNDERSTANDING of your identity, purpose and plan?

***You are ½ of every relationship.***

When you are clearer, stronger and freer, in yourself, you will bring a more POWERFUL person to the table.  Your side, fully empowered, will affect every motivation, choice and interaction.

You, KNOWING AND LOVING yourself, because your heavenly Father first knew and loved you, will bring wholeness, peace and honor to your relationship.

Just how different and amazing is that?!

If you need to work through emotional DISTANCE, unhealthy COMMUNICATION, or relational SUBSTITUES… let’s start with YOU.

I love partnering with women on their journey to IDENTITY, FREEDOM, AND DESTINY. If this speaks to your heart, take action today.

—You are worth your love, time and attention.

—Your relationships are ready for FREEDOM and WHOLENESS.

—The world awaits your gifts, as you step into your God-given DESIRES and DREAMS.

Together, we can create a path to the Beautiful and Chosen YOU.

To learn more, contact me today for a FREE 30 minute Discovery Call.

hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

*** Let’s find and celebrate the TRUE YOU!***