Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 1


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Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study- Week 1:Why I chose this book, what my pushbacks are and the first 2 sexual expressions

Why I Chose this Book

Dr. Weiss’ information is groundbreaking in regards to descriptions of sexual expressions. He gives language to the delicate behaviors of sex with everyday examples. This fresh understanding removes the fear of the unknown, which reduces anxiety. It describes actions and motivations with an objective point of view. That creates a safer distance to examine personal hurt. When you recognize certain patterns, yet see they are not isolated to you or your sexual partner/spouse, it releases some of the sting. It’s also laid out in a way to study sexual behavior, identify your bent and your perspective, so you can apply practical tips to make changes… to Upgrade Your Sex Life.

What I Liked About the Book

1. It gives language to behavior. If you are hurt by someone else’s words or actions it’s hard to be objective and describe their behavior. It’s seen through the pain. Dr. Weiss’ descriptions provide nonbiased words to distinguish each innate sexual expression.

2. It emphasizes intimacy within sexual encounters over the actual act of sex. This means the goal of bonding, love, fun and mutual pleasure and meaning, trumps the physical sensation of sex.

3. It is NOT described in a graphic sexual way. It’s more about how emotional needs show up in a sexual context.

4. It is NOT a list of sexual acts or techniques. It’s a PG version of pleasurable touching.

5. The goal of upgrading your sex life is to create a loving, healthy relationship.

6. It focuses on key components that I highly agree with- integrity with sexual choices (includes purity in marriage), abstinence and obvious harm from pornography, and understanding and mutual agreement on sexual activities- with showing love as the purpose.

7. It has a great mix of solid background information (5 expressions), possible problems (3 roadblocks), and practical steps for change (applications for communication).

8. It has an explanation of the sexual expressions in a continuum, showcasing healthy but giving examples of what each sexual expression looks like in an immature demonstration.

My Pushback

1. It is not written with an overtly Christian perspective. Although Godly honor is represented there are no scriptures or references to a Christian framework for relationships. Dr. Weiss does partner with Christian media outlets though, through Healing Time Ministries and other sexual integrity groups like Bravehearts. We both presented in the 2018 Restored Summit with 70+ Christian leaders.

*This could prompt you in a good way, though. You may question what scripture is meaningful, that you base your understanding on. You may more quickly identify how scripture has been twisted in your past experiences when it is NOT included in any kind of shaming way.

2. It doesn’t include any additional obstacles faced by Christians because of messages embedded in church culture. That’s a very real thing; like “can I be ‘hot’ and ‘holy?’” and “I said no for so long before marriage, I don’t really know how to say ‘yes’ now”.

3. He refers to couples as partners and NOT spouses. His work is open to Christians and non-Christians, so his language in this book does not abide by the sex-in-marriage-only standard. I overlooked this to get to the heart of the message. I, though, talk only about sex between a married-to-each-other husband and a wife.

FUN as a Sexual Expression

 Do words like spontaneous, creativity and experimenting get your attention? Then, maybe FUN is your innate sexual expression. The goal of every new sexual activity is not necessarily adding more meaning or more pleasure. The goal is- will this be fun? It could be a very similar sexual act but in a new location.

Of course, on the immature side, that push for something new might include greater risks, even to illegal behavior. It also could seem selfish or demanding because their ideas are all they are focusing on, not their spouse’s well-being and mutual honor and pleasure.

DESIRE as a Sexual Expression

Do you want to be craved by your partner, starting sexual conversations outside the bedroom and building great anticipation? The DESIRE sexual expression totally enjoys the playful tease and touch throughout the entire day. They love to plan special time together with the whole mood in mind.

If this expression is not fully developed it may seem like the act of sex is a substitute for an overall emotional and sexual connection. The behavior could make sex seem shallow and their spouse might feel more like an object. Their way is NOT the right way. Blending both expressions is best.

 

More Sexual Expressions

How can you determine your innate expression and your spouse’s? The next blog post will cover the remaining three expressions and provide a brief ‘quiz’. Read it together, where ever your most intimate conversations happen, inside or outside the bedroom. Understanding is the goal. When you know and love yourself, you can be known and loved by others, especially your spouse.

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul, and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study introduction


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Starts Monday, Dec 2, 2019. Prepare for the BEST 2020 ever by diving deep into understanding yourself and your spouse in a whole new light.

This groundbreaking work deserves a groundbreaking platform.

I’ve decided to host a series of blog posts to capture such practical and fascinating information. The blogs can be accessed by anyone (male and female) whereas my facebook group (where the weekly videos will be hosted) can only be accessed by women.

Women, you are invited to join this group for the ENTIRE Book Study plus other great content. The Facebook group provides a sense of community, privacy, and respect. https://www.facebook.com/groups/IntimacyMadeSimpleforChristianMarriage/

The first 5 chapters of Dr. Weiss’ book describes one of his unique topics- “Finding Your Unique Sexual Expression”. This information alone will revolutionize your ideas about sexual intimacy. But the book also includes tremendous practical tips (from his 25 years of counseling).

One other specific description gives measurable traits for understanding your sexual maturity. The idea is, no matter what your biological age is, you may not be functioning sexually as an adult. There are also levels for the sexual adolescent and the sexual child. Again, this in regard to how yow process in your sex life.

With all of his concepts, there are takeaways to make the change you want so you can… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

I can’t wait for you to join us.

Can a ‘Good Girl’ Christain Wife Feel ‘Hot’ with Her Husband?


When the church doesn’t talk about an issue very much it may seem that it is of lesser importance. But, that is not always the case.

Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is rarely talked about enough in Christian settings.

Many couples wrestle with this battle. Of course, as a committed believer, they are truly hungering after MORE of God. It impacts their entire life. Living from their faith, brings them images of daily devotional time, praying for others, and growing their spiritual side. But in marriage, it seems like many other factors are pulling for their attention.

How can you be ‘hot’ with your spouse but still ‘holy’ for God?

Couples are dealing with varying sex drives, opposite love languages, and undoing the mess from past relational and sexual experiences. This can look like:

  1. Constant agitation- a tug-o-war about what they want and need from each other

  2. The blow up or shut down cycle- makes communication uncomfortable at the very least

  3. Gradual distance- drifting apart because its just easier to not dive back into the issues

What is the worse thing that can happen?

Divorce is a tragic outcome to unmended communication in your marriage. But a slow death, of just existing together, completely destroys hope for a better future.

Avoiding the intimacy isues in marriage not only brings a halt to happiness and fulfilment in your lives, it re-writes your children’s future and concept of relational living as well.

How can you integrate being ‘hot’ and ‘holy’?

Many couples carry around emotional (and sexual) baggage from past experiences preventing them from enjoying true intimacy. By getting help from the right coach and the right tools, you can set your relationship on a restorative path to the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

3 Steps to Feel FREE in Your Sexual Expressions, from a Godly Point of View

  1. Address and value your desires and needs

  2. Create communication patterns so things never seem TOO big

  3. Practice ways to invite God into your intimacy (sexual, spiritual, emotional and physical)

There are lots of ways to incorporate this into your daily life, with support and accountability. I’m offering The Christian Wives’ Guide to Great Intimacy in Marriage: 4-weeks to Unlock the Secrets to Your Pleasure and Happiness. You’ll learn ways to Transition to Intimacy, Libido Zappers, and how to make Romance, Adventure and Fun a part of your relationship.

See ALL the details here: https://marywhitmanortiz.com/christian-wives

Only $50 for the ebook and group coaching. It starts March 28th!

When you sign up you will already be one step closer to feeling good about being ‘Hot!’ and ‘Holy!’

What Does it Feel Like to be Truly Known?


I never expected this to happen while we were sitting in the parking lot.

I remember the exact moment I felt truly known. We were just dating at the time, but his question touched me at the core. At first, I was surprised and if I’m honest, I was temporarily indignant, but then I got the whole picture.

What was the question that rocked my world?

My boyfriend asked me, “Why don’t you get your nails done?” I know. KInda odd for a guy to notice, right? But he’s no ordinary guy! 😉 And I think God was speaking through him at that moment.

My immediate response was to describe the lifestyle of a graduate student. I was finishing my masters degree while working full time.

But I knew there was more to it than that.

I had not made manicures an act of self-care. Not just because of time and money restrictions. No, it was because of my lack of self-value. I didn’t think I was worth that ‘luxury’. I would pursue fitness goals and things that made me feel strong, but doing something extra for myself, ‘just because’ was simply not on my radar.       

He pushed back, not satisfied with my answer. So I began to open up. I told him about how invisible I had felt. That others were not giving me special attention so I basically took their (small) view of me as my own.

And then, the tears started.

He saw me as deserving of manicures… and MORE! That everything about me communicated dignity and beauty and having my nails done would be merely ‘the icing on the already wonderful cake’.

Wow! Right down to my core I felt a bit exposed and definitely uncomfortable, but it seemed to be okay instead of too scary. I trusted him. I liked who I was when I was with him.   It was a challenge to take in this new perspective, but it felt…

… full of life and hope, and everything I’d been longing for.

As it turns out, Christmas wasn’t that far away and he gave me a gift certificate for the works at a nearby nail salon. And… as you might have guessed, I’ve been going back ever since.  

To be known and loved starts with knowing and loving yourself, first.

I am so passionate about this belief that my entire life’s work revolves around it. It is foundational to everything else I do.

That’s why I am excited to be hosting:

“Totally You & Totally Loved: Women’s Personal Growth Workshop”

on Thursday, February 28th, from 6-8 pm at 8825 Perimeter Park Blvd Unit 503 Jacksonville, FL 32216.

What’s it all about?

Discovering your God-given identity (and value) so you can create more confidence and connection in your relationships. Check out the details here: https://totallyyou-totallyloved.eventbrite.com 

If you’re in the Jacksonville area, I’d love to have you join us. In the meantime, get your nails done.

5 Steps to De-Stress Your Holidays


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Are you done with feeling stuck like a 12 year-old when you go ‘home’ for the holidays?

All those family expectations, and roles we fall into, are draining. Somtimes it happens when we aren’t even aware of it. What if you didn’t have to get drawn into everyone else’s emotional chaos and you could choose how you wanted your family time to go?

You can.

De-Stress the Holidays

Here are 5 practical ways to maintain your peace and reclaim who you want to be.

  1. Practice daily self-care and check-in with your feelings.

    This could look like a five-minute step outside to get a deep breath and release tension. You have to be intentional and continue to validate what’s important to you. It’s okay to meet your own needs.

  2. Bust relationship triggers before they occur so they can’t derail you.

    This means you need to antiicpate Aunt Beth’s caring, but overly inquisitive interest in your love life. (See one-liners below.)

  3. Empower healthy boundaries for your time and energy.

    You don’t have to attend 3 dinners in one day. Even if your family doesn’t understand your new choices, you’re only responsible for you.

  4. Personalize ‘one-liner redirects’ to take the pressure off.

    Responses like, “Thanks for sharing.” “I’ll get back to you.” “What do you think I think about that?” will politely acknowledge the interaction but provide a way for you to not reveal any more than you are comfortable with.

  5. Create your own traditions that support your sense of happiness.

    The holidays (even if you’re going through a big transition) can still be a special time. Find little ways to capture meaningful moments.

Remember, being the authentic you is the best gift you can give yourself. And when you are at peace and fulfilled, that is the best gift you can give eveyone else.

Happy Holidays!

Frustrated Wife Disease and the 3 Mindset Shifts You Need to Overcome it and Get Powerful in Loving You


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If you’re breathing and alive on this planet, frustrations are a given, but sometimes there is a situation where they escalate and need immediate attention. Could that be you in your marriage?

 

What is Frustrated Wife Disease?

1. Not receiving the personalized love and attention you want (includes romance)

2. Being uncomfortable with sexual expectations (in marriage) because of lack of emotional connection

3. Giving up hope he will change or ever do anything different than what you’ve always known

 

Does that ring a bell?

 

Sure, these are legit bummers. As wives, we do have dreams, images of beautiful marriages, and expectations for certain behaviors. But do you know what I noticed? All of those frustrations are about him, his actions (or lack of), and his perceived mindset. Hmmm…

 

Can you control him or his actions… like even one little thing?

 

That would be a “NO!” He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for you. So what can you do?

 

Here’s what you have control over. Here’s what you can do:

1. Act on your choice.

Your choice is either being power-ful or power-less. That’s right. You either choose to control yourself or choose to let others control you. It’s a head-scratcher, I know, but hang with me.

2. Know what you want and how to ask for it.

Does this seem like a ‘no brainer’? “Of course I know what I want!!” But sometimes we let our emotions get in the driver’s seat and take control, to the point that the issue is clouded and we don’t know what the problem really is or what we want to be different. And even after all of that we need to know how to put into words he will get… to stop an argument even before it happens. Yesindeedy, the plot thickens. There is more depth to this idea than meets the eye.

3. Face the problem.

When you gain truth about where your relationship really is (not just where you are hurt, or think he is wrong, or the what ‘always’ happens) then, and only then, can you find a specific solution. That will build trust and vulnerability, which leads to intimacy- both emotional and sexual.

 

Look at that!! You are so powerful! You can truly impact your marriage right where you are, regardless on ‘him’. Now, I’m not saying husbands should do nothing, but if you are only waiting on him to make the difference in your marriage, well, you have given away your power.

 

When is it ever a good idea to give away your power?

 

Exactly! The answer is… NEVER.

 

So, if you are on board for becoming more powerful in who you are, then I have the most perfect program for you. It’s called “Healed and Happy Intimacy in Marriage”. I will help you to-

~Heal your heart from past sexual wounds and lies

~See your identity in God (loving yourself through His eyes)

~Create a plan to share ‘you’ and grow the understanding in your marriage

 

Wowser! That’s amazing! But there’s more.

 

I’m offering this at an Introductory price- 50% OFF- the regular price of $497.

For a spectacular $247 you get:

~4-weeks Healed & Happy Intimacy in Marriage program

~ (4) 1-hour private sessions

~4 weeks of communication and relationship skills, specific to where you are RIGHT NOW

~4 weeks of unlimited email access, for those urgent “Yikes!” moments when you want to keep your new skills fresh in the midst of… you guessed it, Frustration

 

So, what are you waiting for? Sign-Ups begin on Oct 4. There are only 5 spots.

Let’s set-up a call so you find out how this will meet what you want now. Plus, as a bonus, I’ll give you a Self-Value & Peace Growing Tool to help you TODAY!

And… I have Payment Plans.

Sign up for a call here:    https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session       

  

Assertiveness Tips that Bring Clarity and Kick Fear OUT of the Picture.


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When delicate issues arise, that you REALLY want to talk about, it helps to have a clear plan. Part of that is settling some vulnerable areas in yourself, first. Fear maybe lurking around (disguised as anxiety, hurt or even resentment) and it will skew all of your attempts to clarify. No one likes to be on a ‘runaway feeling train’ so let’s see how tapping into God’s limitless love will bring peace, direction, and favor.

The Assertiveness Journey Helps You Know and Love Yourself.

1. Know What You Want

Although this may seem like a silly point, it is a great starting place. Step outside of the emotional turmoil caused by the tension in the relationship, and ask yourself what you’d love to see happen. Picture it vividly. Get in touch with the great feelings that come from this positive place. Journal the idea to keep it fresh, as a focal point.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Want It

This is where the confusion may lie. Have you put your desires at the bottom of the list, after everyone else… but you still want MORE from your relationship? That’s when resentment creeps in and you can feel justified to stay there. Let your self-awareness rise-up to pinpoint what mixed messages you’ve internalized about ‘you’ receiving what’s good for you. By the way, this is not a selfish practice or goal.

3. Settle the Fear Issue

When questions arise, when control is gone, when doubts get loud, we are walking in fear. It’s not all ‘bad’, but we want to get on the healthy side. Here’are a few reminders: You’re only responsible for you. You’re not a mind reader, and neither is he. Quit playing both sides of the conversation in your head. That closes the door and creates distance and more fear before you even start.

4. Establish Your Self-Value and Identity  

You have a choice about how you see yourself. It can either be God’s way or the way of the world, filled with junk. That may seem blunt, but if you want transformation, that’s the truth. It takes a little digging to discern what messages are building you up and what you need to let go of, but it’s worth the work. Restoring your self-value frees you to love courageously, to see the best in everyone, including you.

5. Ask for Your Wants (with Understanding as the Goal)

Growing closeness in the relationship means you want to share what’s going on inside of you, bringing some missing information to the communication. Find the best setting for you both. Use a supportive tone. Select nonjudgmental words, preferring more “I feel…” statements to open up vulnerability, empathy, and intimacy. Ask for him to listen. Be ready to really hear him in return.

Women Who Take Action Change Their Relationships.

If you’re a woman who ‘has it ALL’, but your relationships are more disconnected than close, you’d trade everything just to recreate the magic, especially in your marriage. Thankfully, there are powerful communication tools that will bring clarity, kick out fear, and revitalize true connection. Let’s talk more and see how Relationship Coaching will open the door to ‘Limitless Intimacy’ and  courageously loving in your marriage.

I’d Give Up Everything if He’d Hold My Hand


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According to everybody else, she’s living the dream life (fabulous jewelry, resort vacations, and country club lifestyle). On the surface, it looks amazing, even enviable, but she knows the truth. He’d rather give her money to spend than his time to cuddle and talk. She doesn’t have his heart. She’s aching for intimacy.

It’s an empty life to feel distance and not love.

There are 3 struggles she faces all the time.

1. She’s conflicted by her Christain views. (I’m supposed to be happy and not complain, right? I should just be grateful and keep looking for the good in life.)

2. She battles with self-doubt. (What’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why am I not good enough for him?)

3. She’s suppressed her dream for real intimacy. (I guess this is all I get. That real love and closeness, where he actually wants me, just isn’t possible.) 

But the truth is… You are justified to want MORE than the surface dream life. 

God’s design is for real closeness and connection in your marriage. HE wants your heart to feel cherished and cared for. HE wants attention, attraction, and affection to be mutual between you.

Although there is a lot involved to create intimacy, you can begin this process by seeking ALL God says about your value. HE sees you as His precious daughter, beautiful and chosen. Let those words communicate your true value and we’ll continue to find ways to bring real intimacy to your marriage.  

Remember, God’s design for “Limtless Intimacy” is courageously loving wide open.

 

What is “Step 1” to Create Emotional Intimacy?


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“I just want him to know me and do things that are meaningful to me.”

Seems simple enough, right?! But actually, that is a very high level of empathy and takes a lot of learning (and desire) to get there. What do I mean?

1. Cognitive Empathy is the first level.

It’s the ability to understand another person’s perspective AND to stop telling them how they should do it ‘your’ way.

That’s HUGE!

When we remember our opinion is only ONE opinion and other opinions have EQUAL value, it fuels connection, which fuels intimacy, which makes it ‘safe’ to be vulnerable, which creates the right tone for sexual intimacy in marriage to be the blessing God designed it to be.

2. Emotional Empathy, at the next level, allows you to ‘feel’ what another person feels.

This is NOT logical. There is a tremendous amount of work to get to this place. Identifying your own feelings is ONLY the result of very intentional observation and assessment. Identifying what someone else is feeling and CHOOSING to feel that with them, WOW!! This is such an act of love.

This empathy process is completely FOREIGN to so many people. Maybe even your husband.

3. Empathetic Concern is the high level that will actually sense what another person needs from you… and will CHOOSE to give that.

Can’t you see God’s love at work?! This is what dying to self is really supposed to look like. It says, “I honor me because God made me in His image. And I honor others because they are also made in His image.”

If you want your guy to just know what you want and give it to you without even being asked, well, you are expecting a lot from him. Are you doing the same in return?

The good news is… Empathy can be learned.

Empathy will make EVERY relationship better. Empathy gets easier the more you practice it.

The first step to empathy is to understand another person’s perspective. It starts with questions like this, “Would you explain that to me again so I can better understand you?”

Remember, the Golden Rule is to treat others as you would like to be treated, but the Platinum Rule is a bit different. It says to treat others like they want to be treated.

Wishing you happy trails down the beautiful, yet winding path towards Empathy.

When Your Normal is ‘Off’ How is Your Relationship Impacted?


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Let’s say you have a new influence on your every day life. Maybe your in-laws are visiting, your husband is out of town, or your child is sick. Those can all be stressors. You love the people in your life and want to be there for them, but if your ‘normal’ is off, you need to something about it. Something healthy and good.

First, identify that you don’t feel like yourself.

You need to separate your feelings from the actual events that are taking place. Are you sad about being ‘left out’ of a fun trip (even if it’s for his work)? Are you irritated about having to give up your plans to provide the extra comfort your child needs? Are you frustrated that your husband slips back into ‘son’ role when his parents are in town and he minimizes his interaction with you?

Next, determine what you want to do about the situation.

Do you want your husband to listen and validate your feelings? Do you want him to brainstorm with you for some ‘us’ time even during this ‘off’ season? Do you want him to hear your heart while you repent for some selfishness or insecurity?

Last, find a way to include him in your journey.

Should you dump your rambling thoughts while the emotion is still intense? Should you tell him you need to ‘talk’ knowing that might make him ill at ease in anticipation? Should you diffuse yourself, share a snippet, and set-up an agreed upon time to share?

Relationships are living entities, forever changing, adjusting and providing opportunities for vulnerability and trust.

The process starts with getting your 100% value and identity from God. Then, you have to know and love yourself. After that, if mutual respect and understanding is the goal, you can find a healthy choice that keeps your emotional intimacy close.

Choosing to learn, while you’re in the middle of an ‘off normal’ season, is the hope that pulls you through to the next better place in ‘us’.

Be Brave!