“How does he love me?” In all the ways I teach him how.


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Do you know what love feels like… to you?

 If you haven’t formulated that in your own thoughts there is no way you will know If he is doing that, so you won’t be able to respond well to him. You also won’t be able to encourage him to continue.  That is a lose-lose scenario, but you can do something about it.

Love is experienced when needs are met.

Do you know what your needs are? Have you given yourself ‘permission’ to need? There’s a way, time and place to ask, to express yourself in a nonjudgmental tone.  That’s how you’ll be heard the best. Love is not a default way of living, but it’s worth all the work it takes to make it come true.

Knowing your love language is a great place to start.

Each person has a natural way of giving and receiving love. That will give you a heads-up about what makes you feel special and cared for. Then you step out of your comfort zone to learn his language, too. Here’s a link to an online assessment. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

So,with the LOVE month upon us, you may want a bit more attention from your guy. Remember, It’s actually okay to teach him how to love you. It doesn’t make it any less valuable or personal. It starts with a goal of wanting more connection. When you know and love yourself you can invite others to do the same.

The Magnolia Girl Story


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Years ago, during a very vulnerable season in my life, a young woman had a word for me about being like a Magnolia. She described how strong the blooms were, with leathery blossoms. At the time it was encouraging, but I was in such a place of hurt that I couldn’t process it all.

Fast-forward to 2016 and what God had placed on my heart to minister to women recovering from sexual abuse and dysfunction. (These are also Christian women who can’t quite bring themselves to come forward because some of their very issues revolve around mixed messages from the church.)

I didn’t know how to frame my message.

I had the calling, the understanding, the personal and professional experience, but I’d been praying for the right image and words to connect with other women. It finally came to me, while visiting a state park.

The Magnolia is a beautiful flowering tree with a sweet scent.

What most people don’t know, though, is it has an ancient existence, even before bees. It required pollination by beetles. That’s one of the reasons the blooms are so tough, to allow the beetle to walk on the flower. But the beetle’s method was unorthodox by human standards and altogether repugnant. The beetle ate its way through the flower while defecating and rolling in it… relishing in the pollen. Even so, the Magnolia stood regal and continued to not just survive, but receive acclaim as the symbol of grace and strength.

Women are like Magnolias.

Some women have been walked on, robbed of their life-giving essence, and then defiled by filthy disgusting treatment. And yet… their divinely designed beauty and strength continue to flourish.

I combined my idea of supporting women with the history of the Magnolia.

‘Magnolia Girls’ is for women who have experienced the devastation of being used (trashed by other’s harmful and selfish sexual pursuits) and yet retained their strength as their true beauty. It’s for women who have struggled with intimacy in their Christian marriage and the taboo of being able to talk about their concerns. ‘Magnolia Girls’ is for women seeking restoration from God for their delicate battles regarding sexual intimacy. Identifying as a ‘Magnolia Girl’ gives privacy for healing as the image is so positive (beauty, strength, and grace) to the public.

At this time support is available through small group sessions and private coaching with individual prayer ministry. For more details see http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/magnolia

Support is also available for Christian leaders who want training to minister hope, truth, and grace to women with sexual intimacy struggles. Joint sessions are open to men and women who both desire more information. Personal ministry training is designed for women to minister to women. For more details see http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/church  

What Happens When You Lose Hope?


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Her relationship was strained at best. There was a lot missing from their connection. It used to exist but had drifted away. Logical reasons were at play- job crisis, health concerns, and family schedule demands. But even with knowing WHY, it still hurt. She confessed it felt more ‘sad than helpful’ to pursue learning new ways to make it work.

THAT is lost hope.

The feelings of disappointment and hurt came in waves. She told herself to STOP thinking those thoughts and keep on going. But just stuffing it didn’t free her from the pain.

When our coaching call started she gave me some specific examples of what their communication looked like. She said, if a topic was too personal, her husband either didn’t listen, changed the subject or walked away. It was a complete shutdown and shut out.

Maybe you’ve known that pain, too. 

Without the tools or support to take care of yourself and make a difference, it seems overwhelming. Why bother? But with individualized communication tips, empathy, and God-inspired encouragement, all of that can turn around.

By the end of our appointment, we had discussed *10* possible communication ideas. *10*, not 3, 5, or 8, but *10*! That’s like going from a weekend athlete to an Olympic-trained super star. With that kind of personalized support, she knew she was not alone, that someone cared, and she was equipped with techniques that matched her situation and her timing. It was an empowering coaching session.

Her perspective changed by the end of our call.

(This is from a subsequent message.) “…You have encouraged me by talking with such conviction about the end goal; how our relationship can look like. So you have encouraged me to not give up, but to be intentional about doing what I can in a positive and loving way to make our relationship great!”  

I love what I do!!

Helping women to build their own confidence and to create amazing possibilities for their relationships is such a blessing. The strategies and support you need to transform your marriage are just a phone call away.  Let’s connect today for the relationship encouragement and empowerment that is custom-designed for where you are right NOW!

https://calendly.com/mary-19/2017-relationship-clarity

   

Is it more difficult to manage sexual purity before marriage or healthy sexuality afterward?


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Your sexuality is a treasure entrusted to you by God. How you manage it lies in your hands.

If you’re single, your sexuality might be on your mind… a lot. The attraction, the excitement, the longing… the decisions on how to handle it. It’s a BIG deal! Everyday!

If you’re married, how often is your sexuality on your mind? Are you finding mutually desirable ways to meet your needs? Are you staying in touch with what makes you come alive? Are you choosing to create the time to transition to intimacy?

~You are the only one entrusted with your sexuality.~

Does the health of your sexuality right NOW reflect how well you treasure it?

Single Ladies

As a single lady, do you let the guy make all the decisions about how you treat your sexual identity? NO! You decide:

~How you will honor your values

~How you will respect God’s blessings for you

~How you will let integrity have a louder presence than feelings

Married Ladies

So married ladies, what are the decisions you make regarding your sexual identity? Does it all revolve around your husband?

Don’t go crazy on me! I’m not saying involve other men besides your husband. Whew! Nope, that’s not where I’m going. My point is…

if men don’t define you before marriage, why would they define you after marriage?

Is this an intriguing topic to you? Hear ALL about the “Whys” and “Why Not-s”. Walk away with some fresh tips. 

Tuesday, Sept 5th at 6:30 EDT.

Join us for the LIVE event.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/GodlyGirlTalk/

~Married ladies, you are the one making the decisions regarding your sexual identity.~

What Happens When We Know What We Want, What We Really, Really Want? (Part 4)


Knowing how to ask for what you want can be separated into 4 categories: People, Place, Time, Words

People

Ask yourself, “What people have I invited into my inner circle because they have shown me (by their behavior) that I am valued and safe?” If you TRUST them (you feel respected and believe in their integrity), then you can consider if they are someone with whom you want to build a deeper relationship. Sharing ‘what you want’ with them has the potential to grow your relationship.

Place

Once you’ve determined who you want to share with, you can consider an ideal location. This needs to be free from extra distractions (like kids in-and-out and sports on the TV) and full of options for comfort that would put you both at ease (like refreshments and pleasant seating). It can happen most anywhere, on which you both agree.

Time

The time focuses on when and how long you share. Picking a mutually agreeable time (usually not first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening) and committing to a limited amount of time (maybe 30 minutes max) will make the process easier. As you build on these kinds of experiences you can say more in less time and almost spontaneously go to a deeper level of communication.

Words

“I” statements are the least threatening way to reflect on your concerns. This relieves the other person of feeling judged or blamed. If you have an idea about a common issue, you could use phrases like, “I’m puzzled when you ________” or “I have a concern about _____and a request to change it to____”. Concentrate on your perspective, because the goal is to bring understanding.

Assertiveness will grow with you as you put it into practice more and more. As long as the goal is bringing your whole self to the situation (and not being bossy or sassy) then it’s actually very respectful and freeing for the both of you.

If this still seems to be a bit much to manage because of a backlog of negative messages that affect your self-esteem and confidence, I have another service to offer.

Build Your Self-Esteem

“Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day” is a one-to-one ALL day coaching session. There is time to identify your feelings and fears, release the lies that have limited you and replace them with God’s truth about your identity. This is led in a relaxing, beachside setting at Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, through SKYPE.

For all the details go to: http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value

Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.      

Why don’t We KNow What We Want, What We Really, Really Want (Part 3)


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This could be your ‘come to Jesus day’, because our first step involves knowing WHY you VALUE yourself. I believe we are made in God’s image, that HE loves us immensely (enough to send His son in our place to open the door to amazing fellowship with Him), and HE wants only good for us. But if that’s not your point-of-view, then fill in the blanks for how and why you value yourself. Are you ready?

1.       Value Yourself

        Choose to accept God’s love, to believe that HE accepts you JUST as you are, and HE has a plan for your future filled with His love and goodness. To really learn more join me for “Beauty in the Mirror: How to Value Yourself and Create Healthy Emotional Connections” http:www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-worth

2. Hear Your Heart

Let the world stop long enough so you can release those hurts, confusions, and frustrations. Recognize what you’re FEELING, not ‘thinking’. Download a list of feelings (or contact me for a through inventory of feeling words (hello@marywhitmanoritz.com).

Don’t worry, it’s not just you. As a society we’ve gotten away from this process. We all walk around numbing, stuffing and ignoring our feelings. But it hurts us physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

You can change all of that NOW!

3.       Recognize Your Needs and Wants

Maybe you’re lonely because there’s a holiday coming up and you don’t have anyone to be with.  You need friendship or a listening ear. Maybe you’re sad because you’ve gotten some bad health news and you need comfort or companionship. Maybe you’re scared because work tensions are growing and you may have to leave. You NEED close friends and family you can trust with your concerns and heart issues.

That brings us to the final part in this series. “How to Ask for What I Need” will open your eyes to big picture topics like boundaries, and to relationship skills like knowing the love language you and your close friend have. 

Consider learning more about your relationships by taking a Prepare and Enrich on-line assessment with detailed feedback from me as your facilitator.

      bit.ly/2oMMKPO

Does this seem like work? It could be. But is it worth it? Are YOU worth it? YES! YES! YES!

Do You Know What You Want (What You Really, Really Want?)


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If you knew what you wanted… what you really, really wanted… how would that help you?

Is it all about getting your way? Is it to control other people and make your life easier, even happier? Is that the connotation we have sometimes when it comes to people freely expressing themselves and their requests?

Unfortunately, knowing what you want AND how to ask for it can be seen as a negative characteristic. But, when used in the best possible way, it’s a win-win-win. It actually produces self-confidence which makes everyone involved not only more comfortable but also more productive!

Let’s dive into that a bit more.

Being assertive means-

  •  I know what’s going on inside of me.
  • I’ve identified my feelings.
  • If I have a need, I can ask for it intentionally.

Just think about how much peace is created when we take responsibility for our needs (either by fulfilling them ourselves or with others). No more wondering what’s bothering you, how to get past a yucky feeling, or shutting down due to being overwhelmed.

And in personal relationships- how welcoming would it be to squelch the drama and just have meaningful conversations with reduced fear and a common goal of respecting and supporting one another?!!  Wow! Such a tremendous goal!

Knowing what you want… what you really, really want…  transforms your communication into something filled with PEACE, CLARITY, and RESPECT.

Stay tuned to find out ‘why we don’t usually choose assertiveness’, and the ‘step by step process to develop a healthy assertiveness lifestyle”.  And, a boundaries and love languages combo to bring it all together. Parts II, III and IV to follow.

When Pleasing Others Sells Your Soul


This is not the story I always dreamed of writing. But it is the story that needs to be told.

I found myself deeply buried in a cycle of being in the dog house because I wasn’t pleasing to my husband. It’s not that I spent too much money. It’s not that I was a nag. No, my ‘dog house’ sentence was because I didn’t want sex the same way he did.

I resisted sex. Not because I didn’t like it. My hormones were A-Ok. My female plumbing was in great condition. No, I resisted sex because I felt so belittled and used. There was no closeness, no warmth, and no sweet words. It was ALL about a physical act with a biological result. I was just a body; actually, I was his body. He told me that Scripture said I belonged to him.

My body was not my own, so I was obligated to fulfill his demands.   

During sex, I had to disassociate from being there.  I had to perform to be a pleasing, godly wife, but he didn’t want my heart.   How could I please him AND protect my heart at the same time? I couldn’t.

The day after didn’t provide a warmth or closeness, either.  Yes, there was the chemical release that made me feel drawn to that moment, but that was secondary. The primary focus was on the short-lived period of being free of his demands and able to think for me.

Unfortunately, when his sex tank was full I was then displaced, not pursued, and not needed.

And although the break was something I lived for, at the same time the dismissal was devastating. His absence interpersonally communicated rejection and abandonment. I wasn’t wanted. How could I be happy about being unwanted?

And so my perpetual doghouse lifestyle continued… damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.

Later it was revealed he had a clinically diagnosed addiction to porn. That explained a lot. His lack of intimacy was conditioned by the interaction he had with internet porn. Real people and real relationships require connection. Images on a screen do not.  

God walked me through much recovery and healing. I found a way of living that embraced my own heart, provided FREEDOM to be all God called me to be, and opened doors for the true love I had longed for, for decades.

My story goes from dark to light. Will yours?

I help women embrace God’s design for love, sex, and intimacy. This includes recovery from sexual trauma and dysfunction. If your story is at all like mine, let’s find a path to your wholeness together.   

There is a place of peace and confidence in God that says, “I am beautiful and chosen in Your eyes.” Through Inner Healing Prayer Ministry and other tools you can embrace your beautiful and strong heart.

3 Must Have Communication Tips Even When Connection Is Distant


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Every time I go to church I sense…  she’s here.

She’s crying out to God, feeling alone in the midst of the crowd, and wondering and fearing about what might happen.

Broken hearted, she hopes her husband will want to do something with her (for them), but she can’t even put into words what she wants.

 It gets all too emotional when she talks.

The pain is so great she can’t be objective

If she brings it up, the conversation turns into another cycle of confusion, rejection and more hurt.

Why doesn’t she know how to talk to him… anymore?

What would she even say if everything was just right to be heard?

How can she get herself ready to have the most important talk of her life?

If having a more meaningful relationship is your hope and dream here are some must have tips.

  1. Recognize that God is your source in every way. I love thinking of the comfort and refuge He provides in Psalms 91 as I pull up my own comforter and snuggle in bed.  “Ahhh…” I’m hiding under the shadow of His wing.
  2. Create a new pattern of listening to your thoughts… when you aren’t in stress. Identify your feelings and recognize what events trigger both pleasant and uncomfortable feelings. Be a student of yourself, so you can better share what’s going on inside.
  3. Prioritize the concerns you need to communicate. Consider the best setting (free of distractions, agreeable by both) and set the tone with beverages or snacks of choice. Be calm and frame your words with “I feel _____ when ____ happens and I’d rather feel _______.”

There are many other communication tips, but this is a great foundation.

When distance and damage in an emotional connection drains you in every area of your life, you will have to intentionally address the hurt and develop new ways to connect. Although it may feel awkward and unnatural at first, you can create loving ways to feel close… again.

Secrets to Unlock and Engage Your Intimacy


Greater Intimacy = Greater Sex   That may sound appealing, but how can you make it happen? Intimacy can feel like a vague goal that you never know if you are getting nearer to. And even if some days seem like there's more closeness between you and your man, is there a way to make it consistent? YES!!        Intimacy is Intentional!   Through conscious and realistic steps you can grow the bond in your marriage. By putting into practice daily, weekly, and monthly actions, you WILL produce a sweeter connection.   Learn the Secrets to Unlock and Engage Your Intimacy!   #1 Determine what you want  Men are not mind readers (women aren’t either), so your husband won’t automatically know what you want. Plus, if you have not pre-determined what the ‘love-making of your dreams’ looks like to you, then you won’t recognize it, appreciate it, or sustain it when it happens. Make sure that what you want is something realistic you will actually do.   * Create a time and space to check in with yourself and begin to define the intimacy you want.  * Identify and release your feelings over any frustration or hurt in your sex life (past and present).  * Allow yourself the freedom to hope for the future. Invite God into your journey.  Stay tuned to catch all 5 secrets. It's God's desire for you to know soul-satisfying happiness in your relationships. With a little courage and persistence, you'll be on your way to wedded bliss.              

Greater Intimacy = Greater Sex

That may sound appealing, but how can you make it happen? Intimacy can feel like a vague goal that you never know if you are getting nearer to. And even if some days seem like there’s more closeness between you and your man, is there a way to make it consistent? YES!!   

Intimacy is Intentional!

Through conscious and realistic steps you can grow the bond in your marriage. By putting into practice daily, weekly, and monthly actions, you WILL produce a sweeter connection.

Learn the Secrets to Unlock and Engage Your Intimacy!

#1 Determine what you want

Men are not mind readers (women aren’t either), so your husband won’t automatically know what you want. Plus, if you have not pre-determined what the ‘love-making of your dreams’ looks like to you, then you won’t recognize it, appreciate it, or sustain it when it happens. Make sure that what you want is something realistic you will actually do. 

* Create a time and space to check in with yourself and begin to define the intimacy you want.

* Identify and release your feelings over any frustration or hurt in your sex life (past and present).

* Allow yourself the freedom to hope for the future. Invite God into your journey.

Stay tuned to catch all 5 secrets. It’s God’s desire for you to know soul-satisfying happiness in your relationships. With a little courage and persistence, you’ll be on your way to wedded bliss.