How Hardships Change Relationships


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There are two sides to enduring hardship together.

Just sharing the same experience doesn’t automatically guarantee bonding. If you don’t openly express what’s going on inside of you, yet assume your spouse has the exact same perspective, you can wrongly attach deep feelings to them. Without joint, significant and mutual investment in the relationship, you may engage in a false intimacy.

This could surprise you tremendously, cause a huge disappointment and division, and leave you with greater hurt and loneliness.

To achieve a benefit from a shared hardship, intentional action must happen.

1. Identify your own feelings (fears, hopes, and authentic ebb and flow)

2. Share in a nurturing environment (free from belittling and full of trust)

3. Create acceptance for others to express (vulnerability and grace) 

You talk about what you are experiencing during the nitty-gritty, listening and welcoming your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and needs, also. Remember, their perspective will include new and different ideas.

The power of the bonding, though, happens when you recall these experiences on the OTHER side.

You verbalize the struggles, the choices, and the mishaps. There will be no reason to hide what didn’t go well, because it was already shared in the light.

When you bare your soul in a safe and secure relationship, you create a fierce union. Every ‘remember when’ story reinforces your past journey, present commitment and future trajectory. It’s more than words. It’s a testimony of your faith. It’s an alignment with heaven.

God is for your marriage.

You can co-create with Him by putting feet to His promise of blessing. Bring ‘oneness’ through one intentional and simple step of intimacy.    

How does the Super Bowl Half-Time Show Impact Your Sex Life?


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Let’s Talk about IT!

There’s one thing you might not know that could cause you to grieve even more. (It’s closer to home than any other issue.)  

The LIV Super Bowl Half-Time show happened last night. It is affecting our culture today. Let’s speak out and be a voice for holy sexuality.

Let’s be a part of the SOLUTION.  

Yes! We saw entertainment that was inappropriate for children. (Even though children were included. )

Yes! This type of dancing degrades women and healthy, Godly sexuality.

Yes! These images contribute to sexual exploitation.

It can also be said though, that the performers are highly talented, and as individuals are worthy of value and God’s love. They are merely products of our culture, following the social trends of the day. Knowing this is the norm for our society can grieve our hearts for sure.  

But how does this impact the Christian marriage– between husband and wife?

From my experience, as a relationship coach and a leader in the church since the 1980s, Christian couples are both uninformed and misinformed about healthy, Godly sexual intimacy in marriage.

So how will the Half-Time show impact a multitude of Christian marriages (maybe even your own)?

1. They will be repulsed, angered and judgmental. All of their “NO-s’ will be reinforced.  

2. They will be mildly intrigued, curious and swayed. Their standard for morality isn’t secure.

3. They will be shamed again for their past experiences.   But not willing or able to get help.

4. They will shut down their sexual expression with their own spouse. You can’t be ‘hot’ and holy.

Why do Christians struggle with healthy and Godly intimacy in marriage?

1. They spend a lot of time and energy countering the world and their own past.

2. They trip up on sexual messages embedded in church culture that have been twisted.

3. They CAN’T TALK OPENLY with their spouse about sex.

4. They don’t have a foundation of trust, vulnerability and commitment.

5. They have no idea how to apply verses like Hebrews 13:4 in a practical way.

The good news is:

1. Healing, freedom and joy in intimacy is available.

2. Emotional intimacy can be learned.  

We will ONLY change the sexual climate if we speak out.

The images you saw at Half-Time are truly disturbing. But there is so much more at stake.

The images you are not seeing (the hurt, dysfunction and trauma in bedrooms of Christian married couples) is devastating heartbreak. That is what you can truly grieve.

We have HIS love yet we don’t know how to bring it into our most intimate connections.   

That’s why I created Limitless Intimacy, LLC, to bring healing and joy to the sexual soul. Father God’s love is limitless.

HE wants the very best for us.

When we release the hurt, lies and shame and replace it with His love and truth, we restore His design for intimacy and reclaim ALL HE has for us. Then, we overflow His love and reconcile others.

Please reach out if this speaks to you.

Do you want personal healing? We can talk.

Do you want to bring this message of healthy intimacy God’s way to your group? Let’s talk.

Let’s be the SOLUTION. Let’s talk.   

I thought I was Unlovable.


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My dad left when I was 12, but had been emotionally gone for years before that. My mom was super caring and giving to what seemed like the entire city, but never let her walls down to be close to me.

I just wanted somebody to really KNOW me and SEE me and WANT to be with me.

So, it would come as no surprise to hear I dated… A LOT! I was looking for attention and affirmation and validation for who I was.

I was a Christian and really loved God, but this whole concept of knowing your IDENTITY in Christ just wasn’t a part of my inner life.

And then I got married.

I had all of those same NEEDS. I had incredible high EXPECTATIONS for a Christian marriage. I was completely lacking in communication and relationship SKILLS.

Add to that my former husband’s addiction to pornography and it’s easy to see how BROKENNESS grew in me over the years.

The intimacy I completely ACHED for was nowhere to be found. I began to think it wasn’t real and would NEVER be a part of my life.

I thought, “Why don’t you LOVE me? What’s WRONG with me? When will I finally be good ENOUGH for you?”

My pain was primarily caused by feeling I WASN’T loved. My healing began when I desperately leaned into God to meet that unspoken NEED.

~I didn’t know how to trust Him.
~I doubted that I was worth it.
~I wanted to believe that He wanted me personally.

And eventually, by His tender care, it happened. I finally felt truly and completely loved.

*The key to my healing and wholeness was in UNDERSTANDING that the enemy had been sending me lies all of those years. He was the one telling me I was rejected and abandoned. Every time I believed those lies, I was REINFORCING them.888

God’s truth was not just that I was accepted by Him. It was that I was Chosen and Valued by Him. He raised my inner status to that of a much-loved and beautiful daughter. When I internalized His message of TRUTH, everything CHANGED for me and how I saw myself.

~That’s how I was able to go from a broken shell of a woman to someone who actually LOVES herself.

~That’s how I was able to RECOGNIZE, ATTRACT and SUSTAIN a beautiful connection of intimacy with my husband today.

That’s why I do what I do.

Healthy intimacy, in every way, is God’s design for you. The healing and wholeness that HE BROUGHT to me, HE can BRING to you also,

Don’t give up! You are LOVABLE! The new you is on the way!

What Does it Feel Like to be Truly Known?


I never expected this to happen while we were sitting in the parking lot.

I remember the exact moment I felt truly known. We were just dating at the time, but his question touched me at the core. At first, I was surprised and if I’m honest, I was temporarily indignant, but then I got the whole picture.

What was the question that rocked my world?

My boyfriend asked me, “Why don’t you get your nails done?” I know. KInda odd for a guy to notice, right? But he’s no ordinary guy! 😉 And I think God was speaking through him at that moment.

My immediate response was to describe the lifestyle of a graduate student. I was finishing my masters degree while working full time.

But I knew there was more to it than that.

I had not made manicures an act of self-care. Not just because of time and money restrictions. No, it was because of my lack of self-value. I didn’t think I was worth that ‘luxury’. I would pursue fitness goals and things that made me feel strong, but doing something extra for myself, ‘just because’ was simply not on my radar.       

He pushed back, not satisfied with my answer. So I began to open up. I told him about how invisible I had felt. That others were not giving me special attention so I basically took their (small) view of me as my own.

And then, the tears started.

He saw me as deserving of manicures… and MORE! That everything about me communicated dignity and beauty and having my nails done would be merely ‘the icing on the already wonderful cake’.

Wow! Right down to my core I felt a bit exposed and definitely uncomfortable, but it seemed to be okay instead of too scary. I trusted him. I liked who I was when I was with him.   It was a challenge to take in this new perspective, but it felt…

… full of life and hope, and everything I’d been longing for.

As it turns out, Christmas wasn’t that far away and he gave me a gift certificate for the works at a nearby nail salon. And… as you might have guessed, I’ve been going back ever since.  

To be known and loved starts with knowing and loving yourself, first.

I am so passionate about this belief that my entire life’s work revolves around it. It is foundational to everything else I do.

That’s why I am excited to be hosting:

“Totally You & Totally Loved: Women’s Personal Growth Workshop”

on Thursday, February 28th, from 6-8 pm at 8825 Perimeter Park Blvd Unit 503 Jacksonville, FL 32216.

What’s it all about?

Discovering your God-given identity (and value) so you can create more confidence and connection in your relationships. Check out the details here: https://totallyyou-totallyloved.eventbrite.com 

If you’re in the Jacksonville area, I’d love to have you join us. In the meantime, get your nails done.

How a Bible Study on Esther Exposed a Surprising Layer of Hurt


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It all started with the seemingly innocent sentence:  “Godly femininity is power under control.” Something reared up big (and ugly) inside of me. I balked. I pushed back. I couldn’t get to a happy place. In my group of women I interjected: “Well, couldn’t that be said of masculinity also?” Then, I mouthed off about, being able to control one’s self as a great sign of power, regardless.

I couldn’t follow the intent of the book. I was completely derailed. 

When I came home I was angry. I didn’t even know why.  I tried to understand what was bothering me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I went to bed upset and had a terrible dream about being chased by this half bear and half wild boar creature. It was terrifying. 

Thankfully, I woke up, prayed and read the entire introduction to the book. Then I was able to get back to sleep. When morning finally came I had some new insight.

·         I didn’t like the word femininity because of past connotations.

Men had both ridiculed me and disdained me for the traits of femininity. (See list below)

·         I had let their view of me seep into my identity.

Those ‘lies’ were not God’s view and I needed to repent of aligning with them.

·         I had devalued myself by denying these traits in me.

With those I trust, I should share my needs, expect them to adjust to my needs, and speak up when they don’t. 

These were deep level,  ouchy discoveries for me.  

I needed to feel protected from ridicule, distance and disapproval. I wanted to be loved, accepted, safe, supported and valued. These were core identity issues. I was in a pool of tears before Father God as I let Him reveal His truth to me.

Here’s the list of traits I pondered and assessed to see what significance I truly assigned them: 

Femininity- delicacy, gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, compassion, caring, sweetness, tolerance, deference, and nurturance

 

As I read through the list, considering each quality, I asked Father God to search (and heal) my heart and show me what HE wanted to understand. Here’s what came to me:

·         I can choose any of these traits that feel authentic and God-given for me.

·         If I can value these in others, I can value them in me, too.

·         Although traits like boldness, courage and strength have been my focus, I can give equal value to these traditionally feminine traits.

It was just a casual Bible Study. I wasn’t expecting a major trigger. I had no idea this junk was still lurking around in my heart. Yikes! The initial outburst and anger were bad enough. What if I had never brought this concern before Father God and I had stuffed it away to fester? Wow! That would have messed me up even more.  

That’s emotional baggage for sure! 

Maybe this stirs up an ah-ha moment for you. There could be something just under the surface for you, too, that jabs at your inner person (and maybe makes you a bit crazy). Bringing it before Father God, for His loving understanding, could be an amazing first step. 

Consider this challenge:

·         Do you feel valued by others (especially with your spouse or those in close relationships)?

·         Do you value yourself for who you are, first?

These are some of the heart issues to be healed if you want intimacy to be easier and more enjoyable. Yep, ya gotta be open to this type of discovery and co-laboring with Father God.

Many women carry emotional baggage from past experiences preventing them from enjoying true intimacy. By getting help from the right coach and the right tools, you can control your happiness for the relationship you deserve.

Re-Discover Your True Value and Who God Intended You to Be

Be Heard. Be Understood. Be Loved.

If past pain is preventing you from fully enjoying relationships (as God designed for you), then it’s time for help.

I Can Help.

Let’s set up a call today to find the relationship breakthrough you want. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

#metoo Discovery on a Bike Ride


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Can You See the Light at the End of the Tunnel?

That question took on new meaning for me last week. I was up in the mountains of Montana on the Hiawatha Bike Trail. The views were spectacular. The weather conditions, perfect.  I’d been on the trail before, a few years ago, so I gave hardly a thought to the preparations, plus, I was going with a large and well-equipped group.

But, there were several things I had not taken into consideration.

My helmet didn’t fit well. I had not gotten used to the gears on this rental bike. I’d experienced a broken ankle and 5 months of not walking since my last bike trip here.

Why do I bring this up and how does it fit into a ‘sex and intimacy’ themed coaching? Stay with me to find out.

The first of the 9 tunnels, on the 15-mile trail, was 1.6 miles long. Pretty impressive. The idea of it certainly charged me up. (I’ve been known to do a few challenging things in my career, like direct a ropes course 40 feet in the air, in both KY and CO.) But for the most part, I was motivated by the opportunity of a change of pace and scenery to gain a fresh perspective on what God was speaking to my heart.

Shortly into the tunnel, things were going okay. I was with a small group of riders. I could hear their cheerful voices and see the overshot light of their headlamps. I acclimated to the darkness. It felt cool with the drips of condensation falling on my arms, and a bit thrilling to ride into the ‘unknown’.

But minutes later something different happened.

The group pulled ahead of me. I realized my own headlamp was not pointed directly in front. My vision became obstructed by the dimness. Then, I noticed the road not only had potholes in the gravel but also, it wasn’t flat. The center was a bit mounded. It sloped down on both sides to an edge with an 18” concrete drop off, to collect the dripping water and rain flow if it occurred.

Are you getting the picture of where I might be going with this now?

As I rode on, the nagging thoughts about my limited vision, uneven pedaling (due to the poorly adjusted gears), and realization of no place to pull over to realign, finally got to me. I began to lose my balance, drift down the sloping side, then overcorrect with the handlebars, which made everything worse. I picked up speed, zigzagged towards the side and thought, “Oh, my gosh! I’m gonna crash right here in the worst possible place for me AND everybody else behind me still riding this way.”  This went on for a short eternity. Back and forth, jiggling and bumping over the gravel, in the dimness.  At the last possible second, I put my foot down and caught myself before skidding into the concrete drop off.  I was relieved to not crash, but I was still in the tunnel, still in the darkness, and now my adrenaline was soaring. I felt even more encumbered.

How on earth was I gonna make it all the way through?

My plan of action was to slow down and just do what I could do. Thankfully, the next small group of riders came up and one of the guys went in front of me and shone their light. Whew! There was another wave of relief, but I still could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, figuratively or literally.

I began to pray silently and try to relax.

I knew my tension was not making anything any easier. And, I kept pedaling. As much as I wanted it all to stop immediately, as much as I was slightly embarrassed and still slightly afraid, I had to keep on going. In my head, the tunnel had to end at some point, if I could just keep going.

And then it happened.

Way in the distance, the light began to appear. I was instantly encouraged. Truly, I could see the tiniest bit of daylight peeking through. I couldn’t take my eyes off the dimly lit gravel path in front of me, but I was aware the light was there. It was such an encouragement.

What followed next though, caught me by surprise the most.

As the light grew, and the outline of other riders began to be more noticeable I thought it would all be over ASAP. With every rotation of the pedal, I thought surely we are there now, but it wasn’t so at all. One of the riders nearby called out, “Halfway mark!” and my heart sank. I was not out of the dark yet. Even though I could see the light, even though I had people around me, and even though I knew daylight and safety awaited me, I still had more work to do… mostly in my head, but also compelling my body forward, to ride that final stretch.  

And, so I did.

I came out the other side. Took some pictures, got a drink of water, adjusted my helmet and my gears and began the rest of the ride, enjoying the stunning evergreen vistas and waterfalls.

But there’s one more part to my story, which will explain the whole reason I share this experience.

After dinner that night, we met with friends to recap the day. Everyone was telling their best stories and the mood was light. I didn’t want to be a downer for the scene, but I did want to lightly reflect on my thoughts. I described that first tunnel (I had to ride through 8 more, but none of the subsequent tunnels were as long or precarious). I spoke of my surprise about traversing the mounded gravel road, in the dark with poorly adjusted gears and helmet, and how it had been more of a challenge than I wanted or expected.

And here’s where the beautiful ‘ah-ha’ moment took place.

My friend, who had also been on the trail with me, said, “I didn’t know you were experiencing that, too. I thought it was just me.”  And right then and there, each one of us was validated and supported. Our thoughts and feelings were honored and affirmed. She knew she wasn’t the only one.

This was the best kind of #metoo.

Here’s my point- the paths we take in life are sometimes not what we wanted or expected. Especially in regards to sex and intimacy, there can be slippery slopes, and long patches of darkness, plus the feeling of not being able to do anything but KEEP ON GOING. And though we know in our head that it’s just a season, there will be light at the end somehow, still,

…we have to keep on going.

So, for any woman who reads this, you don’t have to stay in that scary and uncertain place of darkness, sexually.

~If you’ve experienced belittling, manipulation, or distorted views about intimacy (even through the church) this is your light at the end of the tunnel.  

~If you’ve never been comfortable sharing what’s going on in your marriage, even though you know it’s just not right, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

~If you’ve had sexual abuse or trauma in your past and it feels like you just can’t get over it, but you want to, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s my story, too.

God restored my heart and brought me to a place of happy and healthy relational intimacy. HE can do that for you, as well. I can ‘ride’ with you, shine the light, and help you through to a safe place to receive His acceptance, to love yourself with His love, and to create a future, full of confidence to be YOU.

Wow! Just how much would that impact your intimacy in your relationship?!!  

If this is you, and I know it’s many of you, let’s talk. You never have to feel trapped, in the dark, and unable to make the realignment and adjustments you want and need.  Email me and we’ll explore just how I can help you. hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

I dedicate my harrowing tale to you and declare a NEW trail is in your future.

I’d Give Up Everything if He’d Hold My Hand


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According to everybody else, she’s living the dream life (fabulous jewelry, resort vacations, and country club lifestyle). On the surface, it looks amazing, even enviable, but she knows the truth. He’d rather give her money to spend than his time to cuddle and talk. She doesn’t have his heart. She’s aching for intimacy.

It’s an empty life to feel distance and not love.

There are 3 struggles she faces all the time.

1. She’s conflicted by her Christain views. (I’m supposed to be happy and not complain, right? I should just be grateful and keep looking for the good in life.)

2. She battles with self-doubt. (What’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why am I not good enough for him?)

3. She’s suppressed her dream for real intimacy. (I guess this is all I get. That real love and closeness, where he actually wants me, just isn’t possible.) 

But the truth is… You are justified to want MORE than the surface dream life. 

God’s design is for real closeness and connection in your marriage. HE wants your heart to feel cherished and cared for. HE wants attention, attraction, and affection to be mutual between you.

Although there is a lot involved to create intimacy, you can begin this process by seeking ALL God says about your value. HE sees you as His precious daughter, beautiful and chosen. Let those words communicate your true value and we’ll continue to find ways to bring real intimacy to your marriage.  

Remember, God’s design for “Limtless Intimacy” is courageously loving wide open.