So, What do you do?


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“So, what is it you do?”

I get asked this fairly often and I take it as a great compliment. I have a BIG heart for seeing women FREE, fulfilled, and loving themselves, as God does.

At the core of every relationship status- married and struggling, divorced and starting over, single and wondering, committed, yet wanting more- the key foundation is: are you KNOWN and LOVED?

We crave emotional connection.

Our very DNA was divinely wired for being loved.

If we sense that someone has invested their time, intention and care into our lives… we can do ANYTHING. That SUPPORT, personal VULNERABILITY, and COMMITMENT communicates:

—I matter.

—My thoughts, feelings and needs count.

—My life is valuable.

But, being KNOWN and LOVED by others, only happens when you first know and love… YOU!

***That’s what I do.***

I help women joyfully navigate the intricacies of being KNOWN and LOVED, so you can create relationships full of meaning and closeness.

My Relationship Coaching is open to ALL women, wherever they are in in their relationship status, who want:

  1. Freedom to accept, LOVE, and be themselves
  2. Super practical insight to COMMUNICATE clearly, even in conflict
  3. Healthy boundaries to HEAR, honor, and protect your heart

Through my Intrapersonal Realignment process you RELEASE the lies that limited you and REPLACE them with the truth of how your heavenly Father sees you.

Personal transformation is yours today, when you Know and Love yourself.

Upgade Your Sex Life Book Study 3


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Dr. Douglas Weiss’ book is nothing short of groundbreaking! Not only do the 5 sexual expressions (Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience/Gentleness, and Accept/Celebrate) provide objective descriptions, but there’s more support to find out WHY strains of immaturity are present. That’s today’s topic: Roadblocks.

Who Does This Apply To

There are some clarifications needed before the roadblocks are addressed. First of all, these roadblocks are not about interpersonal communication, meaning joint issues for both spouses. Second, if you recognize your own story here, take action. Third, if this seems to be your spouse, be supportive. Fourth, if your spouse does not take action, be ready to seek your own support to know how to manage your part of the marriage. Lastly, Roadblocks are typically from before your current relationship/marriage. Therefore, you are neither the cause nor the cure

Roadblock #1: Abuse

Abuse looks like MORE than the normal bumps of childhood. It can fall on either extreme: intentional and physical harm or neglect, even to withhold medical care. Parents themselves may be immature, addicted or suffer a mood disorder. In my words, they may be repeating how there saw their own parents react.

In an emotional setting, parents may create an environment that isn’t safe for sharing feelings or being honest. They may not support the uniqueness of their child… you. This can be communicated verbally (ridicule, control) or nonverbally (silence, avoidance).

Sexual abuse causes feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, lack of trust, and compensation through over performing and over-giving. I’d add ‘over-explaining, over-apologizing, and overly taking responsibility for faults and tasks that are not your own’.

Sexual abuse also affects sexual behavior on both extremes; from hypersexual to diminished desire to totally disconnected, even a fantasy or blank state of mind. 

Sexual neglect towards a child or adolescent looks like NOT providing appropriate information and education on ~body changes, ~the meaning of sex, ~the standards of your family or culture, and ~the relational aspects of sex, i.e. we show love and commitment as a husband ad wife in our marriage through sexual intimacy. 

If the effects of sexual abuse is NOT addressed it will: LIMIT how you give and receive Inside and Outside the BEDROOM.

Roadblock #2 Addiction

All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development.

That is worth repeating. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping. The addict:

·         Emotes like a 13-15 year-old

·         Can’t define right from wrong

·         Cant’ take responsibility (for self)

·         Lives in a fantasy world

·         Thinks they can do as they please, without consequences

But in recovery, after moving from immature to healthy, they can connect and have even greater sex!

Sexual Addiction

·         Limits the ability to be authentic

·         Includes pornography, masturbation, sexting and hookups

·         Causes comparison which creates dissatisfaction

It can bring about:

·         Betrayal (there’s a struggler and a partner)

·         STDs

·         Job loss, financial loss

·         Erosion of family

Roadblock #3 Anorexia

Although we typically think of this term in regards to an eating disorder of withholding food, Dr. Weiss has coined a term, intimacy anorexia.  One partner withholds emotional, spiritual or sexual intimacy. The partner feels alone, disconnected, unnoticed, and unwanted.

How does it happen? Distance is created by:

·         Being busy – with work, kid’s projects, even helping at church

·         Speaking blame – I’m doing these things because of you

·         Withholding love and praise

In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner.

Yes, this is also worth repeating. This kind of distance is NOT just a certain personality type that has a problem opening up. It is also NOT because they don’t know how or they are afraid. It is an intentional withholding.

It may be the most noticeable in:

·         Criticism

·         Anger/Silence

·         Money usage that is manipulated

·         Roommate Status – with no blow-ups, but also no closeness

Ho w to Resolve

I disagree strongly with Dr. Weiss on how to bring recovery to this issue. I won’t even state his suggestions. I employ 5 R’s to bring healing.

1. Recognize impact (You have to acknowledge what is happening.)

2. Release lies/wounds (Your identity and value has been jeopardized by this hurt.)

3. Replace with God’s Truth (You can choose what God promises and the love HE has for you.)

4. Restore wholeness (You create a new lifestyle of choices that honor you.)

5. Reclaim identity (You see and receive the power and blessing of being God’s child.) 

Your Power in Your Sexual Intimacy

Learning how to be responsible for what you want in your sex life, what asking for sex looks like (in a healthy way), and applying practical phrases for being a clear communicator are the last thoughts we’ll cover. This is the practical application of the entire book. Don’t miss next week’s video or blog!

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

 

 

 

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study Week 4


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Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.

Let’s dive in!

Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.

The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear

How do you ASK for sex?

1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)

2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)

3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)

How do you RESPOND to the ask?

1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)

2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)

Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?

Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.

In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?

There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.

And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.

Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels

Development as a Sexual Adult

1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off

2. Able to be sensitive to partner

3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)

Development as a Sexual Adolescent

1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’

2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression

3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)

4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk

Development as a Sexual Child

1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do

2. Rarely initiate sex

3. Rarely talk about sex

When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.

NOT initiating communicates:

I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)

Whereas, initiating sex says:

I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.

Wow! What a difference!

If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line. 

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Boundaries: How to NOT be Influenced by Someone Who is NOT in Your Safe Circle


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It happens. Times with family. Acquaintances who are pushy. Fan crush without the relationship.

Use this Boundary Checklist to see whose words have permission to affect your heart.

Boundary Checklist

1. Do you have a history of a good relationship?

2. Do you trust they have your best interest in mind?

3. Is it a two-way street; you both give and receive?

4. Do you have similar values?

5. Do they walk in integrity?      

If the answer is NO to 3 or more, find a loving way to NOT receive their information and/or influence.

Try these “I hear you, but…” replies.

Gentle Redirections   

1. Thank you for thinking of me.

2. I appreciate your time to connect.

3. It’s kind of you to reach out to me.

4. I’m seeking what God wants to do in this.

5. I hear what you’re saying.

6. I’m looking for the BIG picture.

7. There are many ways to handle the situation.

8. There are lots of layers to this.

9. I’m not in a rush about anything.

10. Thank you for sharing.

REMEMBER, they want to engage you.

If you start reacting to the thoughts they shared, you will get drawn in. Then, it becomes confusing. It seems like you want to receive MORE. They will misunderstand it.

Your BEST plan is to relay a single comment, excuse yourself, and WALK AWAY. You must exit. You must LEAVE the conversation. That is the toughest part, but it is the most honoring to you both.  

Walk away to clearly set the tone.

Allow into your heart and life, the words and actions you trust. The safe circles can change and be adjusted at times, but it always includes relationships based on respect.

I have a Confession


Confession Time. I have CCD.

You may not have heard of it before. It’s Creative Compulsion Disorder.

The symptoms include having a notebook or recording device on my person at all times to CAPTURE the ideas that pop up in my head and won’t leave me alone until I put them in a SAFE place.

It also means when I go from one room to the next I’m super INSPIRED to start a new project.

Case in point:

I walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I want to add some lemon or peppermint oil to my glass.

 My oils are stored under my bathroom sink. When I pull out the container I see some other baskets with hair products that are DISLODGED. I know there’s a better way to store them, so I start to REARRANGE them immediately. But, why stop there?

There are several bottles way too low and should be PITCHED. My bathroom waste basket needs to be emptied before I start filling it up with new trash. I think I’ll take it straight to the can outside.

Beside me always is my Miniature Schnauzer, Niki. He wants to go outside as well.

On the way back from DUMPING my wastebasket in the large can near the garage, I notice my landscaping. There are a few strands of monkey grass that have yellowed. I reach down to POP them out at the root.

Looking up to see where Niki has WANDERED to, I notice some twigs that have fallen in the yard as well. I SCOOP them up as I call him to go inside.

Back in the house I realize I’m THIRSTY. I go to the kitchen for a drink and remember I’d already poured myself a glass.   I look at the time and realize I have an appointment coming up SOONER than I thought.

I quickly sort the bathroom items, maybe not as ROBUSTLY as I originally planned, and tidy up the bathroom.

Then I put some peppermint in my glass. By this time, my mind has deliciously WANDERED as I’ve loosely MEDITATED on a Proverb I read earlier to ‘guard your heart’.

I JUMP up to write about something very deep.

As a child I never knew I was RESPONSIBLE for my heart, my whole person. My heart was not my own, in that others in my family DOMINATED the atmosphere with their emotions and I always felt PREY to their whims.

Only in the last 7 years have I begun to see and UNDERSTAND how that affected me.

By now I’m caught up in deep awe and APPRECIATION of being rescued from that system and mindset.

 I marvel at God’s goodness. I’m so thrilled for the FREEDOM I know. I want to share this. It moves me in a POWERFUL way.

 I return to my computer to expound from this soft place of REFLECTION and contemplation. All is well with my soul. I feel His PLEASURE as I write, creating a path for others to know freedom.

***My second confession is I thought I created this ‘disorder’.***

But I googled it after I wrote the above scenario. It turns out others have used it. I read their stories and was INSPIRED again to celebrate the Father’s design on my life, which led to more writing. And, now I need more water.

Time for the truth.

My Masters degree is in Gifted Education. I went back to school later in life when I had to re-establish my IDENTITY. I learned about myself, life and how to TRUST God at new places, out of desperation and dependence.

It was a GODSEND how I even ended up in Tuscaloosa, at The University of Alabama, was able to pass the MAT, and survive a TORNADO in only two months. But that’s another story.    

My point:

Celebrate YOU! Your uniqueness is a GIFT to you and the world. We need you to be you.

—And if you get thirsty… bring a notebook.  

The Best Way to Rebuild Your Identity


You look in the mirror and try to block out the crushing words you just heard, from your loved one. But the same ole thoughts rise up anyway, “I can’t believe they just said that… again! What’s wrong with them? Don’t they know that hurts my feelings?” But in conjunction with that, however, a deeper, less conscious message is replaying. “I guess I deserve that. What’s wrong with me? I’m such a failure.”

 

This cycle of negative messages received and then internalized, limits how you see yourself and how you enjoy life. You may only have brief moments of happiness and feeling free to be yourself. The rest of the time you’re squashed under the weight of someone else’s expectations. And you never seem to be… ENOUGH.

What if there was a way to release all of those harmful and degrading messages? What if you could see yourself differently and get back to the dreams you once held for your life?

It’s possible.

Acknowledging your feelings and facing your fears by yourself is overwhelming at the least, and even if you do allow those honest moments to happen… then what? It can be draining and more frustrating if there’s no idea how to get past it.

But if it’s done with a professional coach, who can guide you to a place of strength and restoration, you are NOT alone or without a PLAN.

To release the lies and replace them with God’s truth about who you really are is transforming and completely empowering. It realigns your heart and identity. Out of the ashes, your restored being (spirit, soul, and body) rises to embrace the gifts in your life that you previously may not have had the energy or motivation to pursue. You have what it takes to finally love freely, give freely, and enjoy true connection.   

Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day

This all happens during an ALL day coaching session- “Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day”.  It’s held at a relaxing, beachside setting in Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, via SKYPE. And, there is a pre-call to set up the day, plus 3 follow-up calls and 3 months of unlimited email access to support you as you apply your new understanding and self-value mindset.

Also, for clients who are interested, Inner Healing Prayer Ministry can be incorporated into your program, to invite Jesus into your healing process.

There’s even more to consider, so please go to http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value for all the details. Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.      

Christian Women Face Additional Obstacles to Sexual Intimacy


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If God says sex in marriage, between a husband and wife, is good, then why aren’t we celebrating it? Yes, sexual intimacy has been perverted by the world, so we know to abstain from some of those practices. But even sadder than that, it’s been shamed by the church, the very institution that could best represent God’s view.  No wonder Christian women, in church circles, find themselves struggling with even more obstacles because we as the church aren’t embracing God’s design.

What obstacles do women face?

1.       “How do I say, “Yes”, after saying “No” for so long?”

Thankfully, we are raising some kids who are keeping their purity until marriage. That is truly a blessing and helpful in so many ways. But, we don’t always prepare them with a healthy mindset about Godly sexuality. They get the ’No! No! No!’ message, and not the ‘Save Your Gift for Your Spouse to Express in a Free and Honoring Way!’ message. 

So, they reach their wedding night and don’t know how to transition to a new way of managing their sexuality. Awkwardness aside, who are they going to tell about their dilemma? They feel embarrassed with thoughts like, “I’m supposed to know what to do. This is supposed to be okay, but it doesn’t feel that way. Is something wrong with me?” And they don’t open up. Instead, they create a very unhealthy pattern of sexual activity without vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and transparency with their spouse. It’s the start of something very damaging.

2.       “Can a Christian woman be ‘Hot’ and Holy?”

Women typically connect everything in their life together. They’re more intuitive, so knowing about the kids’ school projects, the church fellowship dinner, and their husband’s big problem at work get intermingled, all the time. But when it comes to combining their Christian walk and their sexual being… not so much.

They keep these ideas very separate. Yes, they can embrace their love for God with as much commitment and passion as possible. But honoring their sexuality (in beautiful, Godly ways within marriage) still feels very OFF LIMITS, like they’re not supposed to even think about sex… and they’re married!!  

They almost have to disassociate with who they are at their core to even participate in sexual intimacy with their husband. It breaks down their identity as a woman and wife. They don’t know that they can be free to express themselves with the Father’s blessing.  And, again, who are they going to tell? This is the very reason they are having the problem!! There’s no safe space to have this talk. A healthy, whole view of mutual respect and pleasure (in marital intimacy) seems to be missing.

3.       “But, doesn’t the scripture say… ‘your body is not your own’?”

Scripture is often twisted. Whether intentionally communicated with a slant, for selfish motives or authoritarian control, or unintentionally perceived through a negative filter. Certain passages are highlighted that limit one’s freedom of thought and expression. This is sad for any topic it affects, but particularly harmful when it comes to the marriage bed. There are wives who feel like they have no say in their marital relations. Even though many scriptures highlight mutual respect and submission, those are not the passages they’re hearing the loudest.

These wives sense that if they displease their husband in this manner that they are displeasing God. So they are earning their place of acceptance in God by performing sexually for their husband.  It’s as if their value and Christian identity hinge on measuring up to a certain sexual standard.  If this pattern continues women feel if they choose to stand up for themselves and honor their bodies that means they have chosen to ‘leave God’. Why should they ever feel they have to choose between self-protection and being obedient to God? That is never how the Father wants healthy sexuality to be viewed.

4.      “Everybody watches porn, right?”

Pornography is wrong in every possible way. We know that it’s not a real representation of love-making. The people are actors and often there through sexual exploitation. We know repeated pornography usage reduces one’s ability to interact easily with their spouse. It also breaks down neurological connections that can cause misfiring and permanent damage.  These facts are known in the secular understanding as dangers of pornography.

For a Christian wife (and/or husband) there are additional pitfalls. The Christian couple stood before God on their wedding day and made commitments to shared values. These values established heart choices towards each other and God. When a spouse chooses pornography as a lifestyle they betray their partner. Some consider this to be on par with adultery. This pornographic habit is also a choice to participate in a vulgar sin unto God. They bring that sin to their marriage bed. They have sinned against their own body and their spouse’s body as well. Shame sets in even if the activity is hidden. It not only destroys the individual but also their partner and family.     

5.       “I asked the church for help and now I feel worse.”

In the world, there are support groups for everything imaginable. Although the advice given isn’t always Godly or healthy, there are still open ears and kind hearts to listen and embrace. In the church, there has been some success for groups like Celebrate Recovery and a few others, but in general, there is limited support for women who want guidance for healing in regards to sexual intimacy issues.

So when she gathers her courage and seeks help through the church, but is pushed away or made to feel ‘bad’ about herself, she is crushed. It may cause her to shut down permanently and never get the help she needs. It’s as if her issues are doubled. The original pain has now been compiled with rejection. It’s so much hurt that she may choose to never become that vulnerable and trusting again. Once more, the very institution that could best communicate God’s message of hope has been a vehicle for darkness.

Now to their defense, I realize that we all have previous experiences and filters that shape our view. These church leaders are only operating out of their own understanding. They don’t know what they don’t know. It’s not a malicious oversight, but still, one for which they are responsible.     

 My prayer is for more truth to be available for the church at large so that more opportunities exist for freedom.

 What can we do about It?

Let’s grow a church culture that partners with God’s view on healthy sexuality and celebrates His goodness. Let’s identify and encourage female leaders with a propensity to minister grace and truth in this delicate topic. Let’s create a safe space for talks about intimacy.

For more information on services I offer to church and ministry leaders, and for individual women check out:

http://marywhitmanortiz.com/church 

   

Bust the Quarantine Crazies


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“2020 marks the highest spike in online learning.” Do you think that’s the headline we’ll read in a few years? 

Yes, we have some extra time and togetherness on our hands right now. It has a huge impact on your everyday life.  But, if you get caught up in the frenzy, you might re-waken past resentments. Or you could learn new relationship tools, and come out closer and stronger.

What you do determines your outcome.

Follow the learning trend. Get the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

Apply these tips:

1. It’s NOT about you.

Of course, your feelings and needs matter. What I’m saying is, when your spouse blows up over business closings, the stock market, or the kid’s homeschool stuff everywhere, that’s NOT a slam directed towards you. He is just releasing his anxiety in your direction. (You might be doing the same thing.)  

2. Their point counts.

You have a unique lens in which to see the world. So does your spouse. The things that upset them (hoarding TP), are just as valid as your own ideas. Give them space and affirm their concerns and worries. They will feel safer. This opens the door to even deeper and closer communication. 

3. Set a boundary.

Social Distancing is now a part of our new normal. It’s the perfect visual for emotional distancing. I’m not talking about self-protecting with walls. But not every need your spouse shares is up to you to fix. Choose what you receive and what you give (emotionally) based on levels of trust and respect.  

  

We can turn this situation around.

Genesis 50:20 highlights the story of Joseph and his brothers. He experienced many trials at their hands. They worried he would turn on them. Instead, He said, “what you meant for evil, God used for good.” We are looking for God’s goodness in the quarantine time.   

Your relationship CAN come out closer and stronger.  

Remember:

  • You don’t have to do this in your own strength.

  • God’s love is your source.

  • Draw on Him for Limitless Intimacy.   

Do You Know What You Want (What You Really, Really Want?)


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If you knew what you wanted… what you really, really wanted… how would that help you?

Is it all about getting your way? Is it to control other people and make your life easier, even happier? Is that the connotation we have sometimes when it comes to people freely expressing themselves and their requests?

Unfortunately, knowing what you want AND how to ask for it can be seen as a negative characteristic. But, when used in the best possible way, it’s a win-win-win. It actually produces self-confidence which makes everyone involved not only more comfortable but also more productive!

Let’s dive into that a bit more.

Being assertive means-

  •  I know what’s going on inside of me.
  • I’ve identified my feelings.
  • If I have a need, I can ask for it intentionally.

Just think about how much peace is created when we take responsibility for our needs (either by fulfilling them ourselves or with others). No more wondering what’s bothering you, how to get past a yucky feeling, or shutting down due to being overwhelmed.

And in personal relationships- how welcoming would it be to squelch the drama and just have meaningful conversations with reduced fear and a common goal of respecting and supporting one another?!!  Wow! Such a tremendous goal!

Knowing what you want… what you really, really want…  transforms your communication into something filled with PEACE, CLARITY, and RESPECT.

Stay tuned to find out ‘why we don’t usually choose assertiveness’, and the ‘step by step process to develop a healthy assertiveness lifestyle”.  And, a boundaries and love languages combo to bring it all together. Parts II, III and IV to follow.

What Happens When We Know What We Want, What We Really, Really Want? (Part 4)


Knowing how to ask for what you want can be separated into 4 categories: People, Place, Time, Words

People

Ask yourself, “What people have I invited into my inner circle because they have shown me (by their behavior) that I am valued and safe?” If you TRUST them (you feel respected and believe in their integrity), then you can consider if they are someone with whom you want to build a deeper relationship. Sharing ‘what you want’ with them has the potential to grow your relationship.

Place

Once you’ve determined who you want to share with, you can consider an ideal location. This needs to be free from extra distractions (like kids in-and-out and sports on the TV) and full of options for comfort that would put you both at ease (like refreshments and pleasant seating). It can happen most anywhere, on which you both agree.

Time

The time focuses on when and how long you share. Picking a mutually agreeable time (usually not first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening) and committing to a limited amount of time (maybe 30 minutes max) will make the process easier. As you build on these kinds of experiences you can say more in less time and almost spontaneously go to a deeper level of communication.

Words

“I” statements are the least threatening way to reflect on your concerns. This relieves the other person of feeling judged or blamed. If you have an idea about a common issue, you could use phrases like, “I’m puzzled when you ________” or “I have a concern about _____and a request to change it to____”. Concentrate on your perspective, because the goal is to bring understanding.

Assertiveness will grow with you as you put it into practice more and more. As long as the goal is bringing your whole self to the situation (and not being bossy or sassy) then it’s actually very respectful and freeing for the both of you.

If this still seems to be a bit much to manage because of a backlog of negative messages that affect your self-esteem and confidence, I have another service to offer.

Build Your Self-Esteem

“Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day” is a one-to-one ALL day coaching session. There is time to identify your feelings and fears, release the lies that have limited you and replace them with God’s truth about your identity. This is led in a relaxing, beachside setting at Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, through SKYPE.

For all the details go to: http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value

Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.