So, What do you do?


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“So, what is it you do?”

I get asked this fairly often and I take it as a great compliment. I have a BIG heart for seeing women FREE, fulfilled, and loving themselves, as God does.

At the core of every relationship status- married and struggling, divorced and starting over, single and wondering, committed, yet wanting more- the key foundation is: are you KNOWN and LOVED?

We crave emotional connection.

Our very DNA was divinely wired for being loved.

If we sense that someone has invested their time, intention and care into our lives… we can do ANYTHING. That SUPPORT, personal VULNERABILITY, and COMMITMENT communicates:

—I matter.

—My thoughts, feelings and needs count.

—My life is valuable.

But, being KNOWN and LOVED by others, only happens when you first know and love… YOU!

***That’s what I do.***

I help women joyfully navigate the intricacies of being KNOWN and LOVED, so you can create relationships full of meaning and closeness.

My Relationship Coaching is open to ALL women, wherever they are in in their relationship status, who want:

  1. Freedom to accept, LOVE, and be themselves
  2. Super practical insight to COMMUNICATE clearly, even in conflict
  3. Healthy boundaries to HEAR, honor, and protect your heart

Through my Intrapersonal Realignment process you RELEASE the lies that limited you and REPLACE them with the truth of how your heavenly Father sees you.

Personal transformation is yours today, when you Know and Love yourself.

Boundaries: How to NOT be Influenced by Someone Who is NOT in Your Safe Circle


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It happens. Times with family. Acquaintances who are pushy. Fan crush without the relationship.

Use this Boundary Checklist to see whose words have permission to affect your heart.

Boundary Checklist

1. Do you have a history of a good relationship?

2. Do you trust they have your best interest in mind?

3. Is it a two-way street; you both give and receive?

4. Do you have similar values?

5. Do they walk in integrity?      

If the answer is NO to 3 or more, find a loving way to NOT receive their information and/or influence.

Try these “I hear you, but…” replies.

Gentle Redirections   

1. Thank you for thinking of me.

2. I appreciate your time to connect.

3. It’s kind of you to reach out to me.

4. I’m seeking what God wants to do in this.

5. I hear what you’re saying.

6. I’m looking for the BIG picture.

7. There are many ways to handle the situation.

8. There are lots of layers to this.

9. I’m not in a rush about anything.

10. Thank you for sharing.

REMEMBER, they want to engage you.

If you start reacting to the thoughts they shared, you will get drawn in. Then, it becomes confusing. It seems like you want to receive MORE. They will misunderstand it.

Your BEST plan is to relay a single comment, excuse yourself, and WALK AWAY. You must exit. You must LEAVE the conversation. That is the toughest part, but it is the most honoring to you both.  

Walk away to clearly set the tone.

Allow into your heart and life, the words and actions you trust. The safe circles can change and be adjusted at times, but it always includes relationships based on respect.

Valentine’s Day Won”t Fix the Hurt in Your Marriage


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Don’t expect Valentine’s Day to fix your hurt!

Neither one of you can make-up for sharp words or walls built for self-protection by one dinner out or one array of flowers.

Pretending it didn’t happen (for that one day) is not reality either.

What you could say is: Hey, I know things aren’t great right now, but I still want to be with you. I want to make a place for ‘us’.

Then, agree on a time to have a talk about what’s going on – a different time than your Date Night.

It’s amazing how that simple act will diffuse anxiety and then you really can enjoy (at least a bit more) the expected Valentine’s Day activity.

Nobody is a mind-reader.

~You don’t know his fears (if what you see is anger).

~He doesn’t know your hurt (if what you show him is distance).

Your goal is NOT 💯 agreement.
Your goal is understanding.

Understanding only comes through connecting with intentional words and your whole person.

The good news is: you can be heard, understood and loved.

It just takes a willingness to heal and a commitment to learn communication skills.

God’s love is limitless. HE’ll walk you through every step.

To build connection in simple steps you can do daily, try the 30-Day Marriage Challenge. You can find in in the Free Resource section of my website https://marywhitmanortiz.com/books-and-resources

If you’d like more one-to-one support, the Love Sense Questionnaire and Coaching Session is amazing. I’m offering it as a Valentine’s Day Special Feb 19, 2020. Check that out here

https://marywhitmanortiz.com/love-sense-special

Remember, you can be heard, understood and loved.

Bust the Quarantine Crazies


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“2020 marks the highest spike in online learning.” Do you think that’s the headline we’ll read in a few years? 

Yes, we have some extra time and togetherness on our hands right now. It has a huge impact on your everyday life.  But, if you get caught up in the frenzy, you might re-waken past resentments. Or you could learn new relationship tools, and come out closer and stronger.

What you do determines your outcome.

Follow the learning trend. Get the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

Apply these tips:

1. It’s NOT about you.

Of course, your feelings and needs matter. What I’m saying is, when your spouse blows up over business closings, the stock market, or the kid’s homeschool stuff everywhere, that’s NOT a slam directed towards you. He is just releasing his anxiety in your direction. (You might be doing the same thing.)  

2. Their point counts.

You have a unique lens in which to see the world. So does your spouse. The things that upset them (hoarding TP), are just as valid as your own ideas. Give them space and affirm their concerns and worries. They will feel safer. This opens the door to even deeper and closer communication. 

3. Set a boundary.

Social Distancing is now a part of our new normal. It’s the perfect visual for emotional distancing. I’m not talking about self-protecting with walls. But not every need your spouse shares is up to you to fix. Choose what you receive and what you give (emotionally) based on levels of trust and respect.  

  

We can turn this situation around.

Genesis 50:20 highlights the story of Joseph and his brothers. He experienced many trials at their hands. They worried he would turn on them. Instead, He said, “what you meant for evil, God used for good.” We are looking for God’s goodness in the quarantine time.   

Your relationship CAN come out closer and stronger.  

Remember:

  • You don’t have to do this in your own strength.

  • God’s love is your source.

  • Draw on Him for Limitless Intimacy.   

How Hardships Change Relationships


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There are two sides to enduring hardship together.

Just sharing the same experience doesn’t automatically guarantee bonding. If you don’t openly express what’s going on inside of you, yet assume your spouse has the exact same perspective, you can wrongly attach deep feelings to them. Without joint, significant and mutual investment in the relationship, you may engage in a false intimacy.

This could surprise you tremendously, cause a huge disappointment and division, and leave you with greater hurt and loneliness.

To achieve a benefit from a shared hardship, intentional action must happen.

1. Identify your own feelings (fears, hopes, and authentic ebb and flow)

2. Share in a nurturing environment (free from belittling and full of trust)

3. Create acceptance for others to express (vulnerability and grace) 

You talk about what you are experiencing during the nitty-gritty, listening and welcoming your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and needs, also. Remember, their perspective will include new and different ideas.

The power of the bonding, though, happens when you recall these experiences on the OTHER side.

You verbalize the struggles, the choices, and the mishaps. There will be no reason to hide what didn’t go well, because it was already shared in the light.

When you bare your soul in a safe and secure relationship, you create a fierce union. Every ‘remember when’ story reinforces your past journey, present commitment and future trajectory. It’s more than words. It’s a testimony of your faith. It’s an alignment with heaven.

God is for your marriage.

You can co-create with Him by putting feet to His promise of blessing. Bring ‘oneness’ through one intentional and simple step of intimacy.    

5 Reasons Sex Might Be a Battlefield in Marriage


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Christian sexuality in marriage is more than two bodies coming together.

But what if you never got clear on what you wanted and you didn’t have a real conversation with your spouse about sex. Unrealistic expectations and myths about instant ‘good’ sex can be a big disappointment.

On my latest YouTube video, I explore 5 reasons sex might feel like a battle in your marriage. The biggest surprise is maybe you didn’t ask:

How does God see sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos.  

Enjoy watching Mary Whitman Ortiz – Christian Sex Education’s BOLD voice for freedom, pleasure and oneness. Say, “NO!” to the taboo and “YES!” to the gift!

3 Must Have Communication Tips Even When Connection Is Distant


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Every time I go to church I sense…  she’s here.

She’s crying out to God, feeling alone in the midst of the crowd, and wondering and fearing about what might happen.

Broken hearted, she hopes her husband will want to do something with her (for them), but she can’t even put into words what she wants.

 It gets all too emotional when she talks.

The pain is so great she can’t be objective

If she brings it up, the conversation turns into another cycle of confusion, rejection and more hurt.

Why doesn’t she know how to talk to him… anymore?

What would she even say if everything was just right to be heard?

How can she get herself ready to have the most important talk of her life?

If having a more meaningful relationship is your hope and dream here are some must have tips.

  1. Recognize that God is your source in every way. I love thinking of the comfort and refuge He provides in Psalms 91 as I pull up my own comforter and snuggle in bed.  “Ahhh…” I’m hiding under the shadow of His wing.
  2. Create a new pattern of listening to your thoughts… when you aren’t in stress. Identify your feelings and recognize what events trigger both pleasant and uncomfortable feelings. Be a student of yourself, so you can better share what’s going on inside.
  3. Prioritize the concerns you need to communicate. Consider the best setting (free of distractions, agreeable by both) and set the tone with beverages or snacks of choice. Be calm and frame your words with “I feel _____ when ____ happens and I’d rather feel _______.”

There are many other communication tips, but this is a great foundation.

When distance and damage in an emotional connection drains you in every area of your life, you will have to intentionally address the hurt and develop new ways to connect. Although it may feel awkward and unnatural at first, you can create loving ways to feel close… again.

Do You Know What You Want (What You Really, Really Want?)


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If you knew what you wanted… what you really, really wanted… how would that help you?

Is it all about getting your way? Is it to control other people and make your life easier, even happier? Is that the connotation we have sometimes when it comes to people freely expressing themselves and their requests?

Unfortunately, knowing what you want AND how to ask for it can be seen as a negative characteristic. But, when used in the best possible way, it’s a win-win-win. It actually produces self-confidence which makes everyone involved not only more comfortable but also more productive!

Let’s dive into that a bit more.

Being assertive means-

  •  I know what’s going on inside of me.
  • I’ve identified my feelings.
  • If I have a need, I can ask for it intentionally.

Just think about how much peace is created when we take responsibility for our needs (either by fulfilling them ourselves or with others). No more wondering what’s bothering you, how to get past a yucky feeling, or shutting down due to being overwhelmed.

And in personal relationships- how welcoming would it be to squelch the drama and just have meaningful conversations with reduced fear and a common goal of respecting and supporting one another?!!  Wow! Such a tremendous goal!

Knowing what you want… what you really, really want…  transforms your communication into something filled with PEACE, CLARITY, and RESPECT.

Stay tuned to find out ‘why we don’t usually choose assertiveness’, and the ‘step by step process to develop a healthy assertiveness lifestyle”.  And, a boundaries and love languages combo to bring it all together. Parts II, III and IV to follow.

Should Christians Talk about Sex?

When couples don’t talk about sex, shame stays alive. Parents unknowingly pass down their fears to their children. Those fears can shut down the conversation in the marriage, but also in the church. Hear specific ways Christians should talk about sex more in the home and the church.   

On this YouTube video, I explore 3 reasons Christians don’t talk about sex. It includes the role of your childhood family, the local church, and the #1 cause you might not be aware of. Share your answer in the comments: Why do Christians need to talk about sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos. 

Is it more difficult to manage sexual purity before marriage or healthy sexuality afterward?


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Your sexuality is a treasure entrusted to you by God. How you manage it lies in your hands.

If you’re single, your sexuality might be on your mind… a lot. The attraction, the excitement, the longing… the decisions on how to handle it. It’s a BIG deal! Everyday!

If you’re married, how often is your sexuality on your mind? Are you finding mutually desirable ways to meet your needs? Are you staying in touch with what makes you come alive? Are you choosing to create the time to transition to intimacy?

~You are the only one entrusted with your sexuality.~

Does the health of your sexuality right NOW reflect how well you treasure it?

Single Ladies

As a single lady, do you let the guy make all the decisions about how you treat your sexual identity? NO! You decide:

~How you will honor your values

~How you will respect God’s blessings for you

~How you will let integrity have a louder presence than feelings

Married Ladies

So married ladies, what are the decisions you make regarding your sexual identity? Does it all revolve around your husband?

Don’t go crazy on me! I’m not saying involve other men besides your husband. Whew! Nope, that’s not where I’m going. My point is…

if men don’t define you before marriage, why would they define you after marriage?

Is this an intriguing topic to you? Hear ALL about the “Whys” and “Why Not-s”. Walk away with some fresh tips. 

Tuesday, Sept 5th at 6:30 EDT.

Join us for the LIVE event.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/GodlyGirlTalk/

~Married ladies, you are the one making the decisions regarding your sexual identity.~