What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Sex- How it’s a Compliment to Her

I love receiving emails from husbands who want to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage.

We find ways to measure if the relationship is getting better.

Here are 3 specific things he wishes ‘you’ knew.


1. He wants you to be there- mind body and soul

What are the signs that you’re not showing up in your mind? You may be checking your to-do list in your head. You’re thinking about activities with the kids or the family vacation, and you’re not really present. He wants you to focus on everything good about the two of you being together at that moment.

God has so many blessings for sexual intimacy in marriage. Being fully present has to happen to become ONE.

2. He wants you to know what you want.

Knowing what you want may have been in your taboo zone, but when you are not engaged with him it sends a message of rejection. When you don’t know your preference for the sensations that you like and the pleasure you want, it could be doing more harm than you are aware of.

If you’re not sure of what you like he is willing to explore with you and help you find out. 😉

3. He wants you to tell him

When you don’t tell him it’s like you’re assuming he’s a mind reader. That creates frustration which will also create distance. It works against you when you can’t tell him what you like. If telling him feels awkward you can always show him. You can take his hand and guide him while he’s touching you. You can show which parts of your body you want to be touched with a unique intensity and frequency.

You are the best teacher for him and you want to be the only teacher for him about your body.

When you can tell him what you like, it opens the door to exploring new things. You can talk about it and anticipate what it might feel like. You will bond through that experience.

But there’s sometimes an awkwardness with talking about sex.

It’s caused by the culture we live in (with taboos) and also the church circles may make it difficult. That’s why I wrote the books, Why can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex?

These books will help you understand your perception of sex. There’s even a template to help you share with your spouse what you want them to know about you. Check it out:

Buy Here

How is this a compliment, to hear what your husband wants in sex?

Watch it HERE!

The compliment is: he wants you and no one else. He chooses you again and again.

What request do you struggle with most: (Please share in the comments.)

Being fully present

Knowing what you like

Telling (and showing) what you like

Midlife Sex- 3 Ways the Changes are Good for Your Marriage

Midlife brings new issues to every area of life, including sexual intimacy in marriage. While this may feel unwanted it could be very good for you. Follow me as I share.

3 WAYS MIDLIFE SEX CHANGES ARE GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Acknowledge the issue

When you face the changes going on in your body, and realize there are challenges, concerns and unknowns, the situation is instantly better. You are NOT in denial. Instead, you are being intentional and proactive. That speaks new life and energy into your relationship.

WHEN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR OPTIONS AS ‘AGING OR NOT LIVING’, IT’S PRETTY EASY TO MAKE THE CHOICE.

Making the shift in your thoughts that aging is OK will help the process.

Acquiring new information decreases the unknown and reduces anxiety. Every issue is easier to face with less stress.

THERE ARE 5 COMMON PROBLEMS WOMEN FACE IN MIDLIFE SEX.

                1. Hormones fluctuate

Females encounter hormone changes their ENTIRE lives, from puberty forward. It includes monthly cycles, pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, and menopausal conditions like mood swings, hot flashes, and body sensitivity.

WHAT’S GREAT TO KNOW IS… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

SINCE THESE ISSUES ARE SO COMMON THERE ARE TREMENDOUS RESOURCES AVAILABLE.

2. Vaginal dryness and loss of elasticity

These concerns may require changes in your lubrication practice and positions for intercourse. 

                3. Physical stamina, strength and joint ease

You have to let your spouse know what feels good. You can both make adjustments so your comfort is considered.

                4. Decrease in sexual desire and arousal

Your husband needs to know what is going on in your body is NOT about him. Even though you will both face the concerns together, he doesn’t need to sense your different feelings as rejection.

                5. Body image

Midlife means your body doesn’t look the same as when you were 20. There will be age spots, wrinkles, and alternations in your skin texture. Again, being able to accept this part of your aging will help.

Some couples believe they will get closer because they’ve been together for a long time. Although that is a sweet sentiment, on the other hand, some couples say they grow apart over time.

LONGEVITY DOES NOT GUARANTEE CLOSENESS.

You need to be intentional while making choices about your relationship.

2. Work through the conflict

Learning how to process the issues, and draw closer to each other, will be a great strength for your marriage, at large. The midlife changes are a gift in disguise.

You could choose to get mad, tough, hard, resistant, and independent. If your reactions are based on fear, it will take you on a path that is not helpful.

YOU CAN CHOOSE A DIFFERENT PATH THAT WILL DRAW YOU CLOSER.

This path includes trusting, getting vulnerable and soft, and growing towards each other even when it feels scary.

THIS CHOICE MAKES YOU STRONGER.

3. Compare to your faith walk  

As Christians, we are told we’ll experience trials in this life. We have choices about how we invite God to walk with us. You can get mad at God about the trials and say, “This isn’t fair! Why did you let this happen?”

It comes down to either-

PUSH AWAY FROM GOD OR PRESS INTO GOD

Pressing into God looks like, “I don’t understand but I trust you”. When you partner with God, you bring all of His goodness to the situation.

John 15:15 shows how love is shared between God the Father and God the Son, Jesus. HE wants to invite us into that beautiful place of love, trust and leaning into one another, too.

SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE IS THE BEST MODEL ON EARTH…

of the powerful give and take and leaning into one another, as Jesus gave Himself for the church, in love.

Your faith walk is drawing on God and NOT doing things in your own strength. Your intimacy in marriage is also drawing on your spouse and doing things on your own.

It can be difficult to make the shift from fear-based choices to love-based choices. I created Step into the Powerful You to help with this. Please enjoy this Relationship Development Guide. 

FREE Download: step into the powerful you

Watch ALL of the Real Talk for Real Love here!

 Which midlife body change has impacted your life the most? Please share in the comments. Your story can be a resource for others.

How to be Sexually Confident in Your Marriage


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What do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have to do with sex?

Childhood often provides a time of hope and expectancy. That’s where curiosity, fun, and playfulness come alive. Have you ever thought of those same traits as being powerful and meaningful to your sex life?

A sense of hope and expectancy can supercharge your intimacy in marriage.

If you did not experience innocence and wonder as a child or if you are like 3 out of 4 women who have known sexual dysfunction, trauma and abuse as an adult, then you have a burden that may have stayed with you.

It may be time for an ‘un-learning’ and a ‘re-learning’. 

What does a new understanding of sex look like?

Part of your healing process is to see how God sees sex. It’s a gift HE has designed for you in marriage to enjoy and celebrate.

Look back at the creation story in Genesis. What God made, HE said is good. It has His stamp of approval.

Consider these 3 ways God sees sex as a GIFT.

1. God made us in His image

2. He made us as male and female

3. Sexual intimacy mirrors the Bridegroom with the Bride

His desire for you is to know and enjoy oneness in sexual intimacy in marriage!

Share in the comments how you keep playfulness alive in your marriage.

What’s “OK” for Your Married Sex Life?


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Do you struggle to know what’s ‘off-limits’ in your married sex life?

Most Christian couples want to honor God but it seems like there are gray areas in the Bible. How can they determine the specific activities that will be pleasurable and also within the scope of acceptable behavior?

There are 3 main questions to consider.

  1. Is it mutually agreed upon?

  2. Is it respectful for both spouses?

  3. Does it fall in line with Scriptural principles?

What about ‘press the envelope’ activities?

Although the Bible is very clear about “Thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28), there are lots activities not mentioned.

3 Taboo areas to discuss with your spouse are:

Learn guidelines to help you choose so both partners experience mutual satisfaction and respect.

What activities are you considering to add to your married sex life but you’re not sure how they fit with God’s guidelines? Please share in the comments.

Should Christians Talk about Sex?

When couples don’t talk about sex, shame stays alive. Parents unknowingly pass down their fears to their children. Those fears can shut down the conversation in the marriage, but also in the church. Hear specific ways Christians should talk about sex more in the home and the church.   

On this YouTube video, I explore 3 reasons Christians don’t talk about sex. It includes the role of your childhood family, the local church, and the #1 cause you might not be aware of. Share your answer in the comments: Why do Christians need to talk about sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos. 

5 Reasons Sex Might Be a Battlefield in Marriage


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Christian sexuality in marriage is more than two bodies coming together.

But what if you never got clear on what you wanted and you didn’t have a real conversation with your spouse about sex. Unrealistic expectations and myths about instant ‘good’ sex can be a big disappointment.

On my latest YouTube video, I explore 5 reasons sex might feel like a battle in your marriage. The biggest surprise is maybe you didn’t ask:

How does God see sex?

Learn tips to understand sex in Christian marriage, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos.  

Enjoy watching Mary Whitman Ortiz – Christian Sex Education’s BOLD voice for freedom, pleasure and oneness. Say, “NO!” to the taboo and “YES!” to the gift!

Blocks to Sexual Intimacy in Christian Marriage


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You’re happily married and you love your spouse, but sex seems like a battle. Talking about sexual intimacy felt almost taboo in your church circles so now it’s awkward to bring it up. Even though you are a Christian and believe God made sexual intimacy in marriage a ‘good’ thing, you have a block.

On my latest YouTube video, I expose 4 mindsets that block Christian sexual intimacy in marriage. I should know. I experienced them all.

That’s why I became a Christian sex educator and relationship coach.

Catch it here! https://youtu.be/NGK_qCaNL2g

Learn tips to understand sex, create easy dialogue with your spouse, and get the marriage (and sex life) you wanted when you said: I Do, by subscribing for Friday videos.   

Enjoy watching Mary Whitman Ortiz – Christian Sex Education’s BOLD voice for freedom, pleasure and oneness. Say, “NO!” to the taboo and “YES!” to the gift!

How does the Super Bowl Half-Time Show Impact Your Sex Life?


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Let’s Talk about IT!

There’s one thing you might not know that could cause you to grieve even more. (It’s closer to home than any other issue.)  

The LIV Super Bowl Half-Time show happened last night. It is affecting our culture today. Let’s speak out and be a voice for holy sexuality.

Let’s be a part of the SOLUTION.  

Yes! We saw entertainment that was inappropriate for children. (Even though children were included. )

Yes! This type of dancing degrades women and healthy, Godly sexuality.

Yes! These images contribute to sexual exploitation.

It can also be said though, that the performers are highly talented, and as individuals are worthy of value and God’s love. They are merely products of our culture, following the social trends of the day. Knowing this is the norm for our society can grieve our hearts for sure.  

But how does this impact the Christian marriage– between husband and wife?

From my experience, as a relationship coach and a leader in the church since the 1980s, Christian couples are both uninformed and misinformed about healthy, Godly sexual intimacy in marriage.

So how will the Half-Time show impact a multitude of Christian marriages (maybe even your own)?

1. They will be repulsed, angered and judgmental. All of their “NO-s’ will be reinforced.  

2. They will be mildly intrigued, curious and swayed. Their standard for morality isn’t secure.

3. They will be shamed again for their past experiences.   But not willing or able to get help.

4. They will shut down their sexual expression with their own spouse. You can’t be ‘hot’ and holy.

Why do Christians struggle with healthy and Godly intimacy in marriage?

1. They spend a lot of time and energy countering the world and their own past.

2. They trip up on sexual messages embedded in church culture that have been twisted.

3. They CAN’T TALK OPENLY with their spouse about sex.

4. They don’t have a foundation of trust, vulnerability and commitment.

5. They have no idea how to apply verses like Hebrews 13:4 in a practical way.

The good news is:

1. Healing, freedom and joy in intimacy is available.

2. Emotional intimacy can be learned.  

We will ONLY change the sexual climate if we speak out.

The images you saw at Half-Time are truly disturbing. But there is so much more at stake.

The images you are not seeing (the hurt, dysfunction and trauma in bedrooms of Christian married couples) is devastating heartbreak. That is what you can truly grieve.

We have HIS love yet we don’t know how to bring it into our most intimate connections.   

That’s why I created Limitless Intimacy, LLC, to bring healing and joy to the sexual soul. Father God’s love is limitless.

HE wants the very best for us.

When we release the hurt, lies and shame and replace it with His love and truth, we restore His design for intimacy and reclaim ALL HE has for us. Then, we overflow His love and reconcile others.

Please reach out if this speaks to you.

Do you want personal healing? We can talk.

Do you want to bring this message of healthy intimacy God’s way to your group? Let’s talk.

Let’s be the SOLUTION. Let’s talk.   

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study Week 4


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Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.

Let’s dive in!

Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.

The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear

How do you ASK for sex?

1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)

2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)

3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)

How do you RESPOND to the ask?

1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)

2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)

Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?

Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.

In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?

There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.

And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.

Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels

Development as a Sexual Adult

1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off

2. Able to be sensitive to partner

3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)

Development as a Sexual Adolescent

1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’

2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression

3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)

4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk

Development as a Sexual Child

1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do

2. Rarely initiate sex

3. Rarely talk about sex

When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.

NOT initiating communicates:

I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)

Whereas, initiating sex says:

I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.

Wow! What a difference!

If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line. 

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgade Your Sex Life Book Study 3


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Dr. Douglas Weiss’ book is nothing short of groundbreaking! Not only do the 5 sexual expressions (Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience/Gentleness, and Accept/Celebrate) provide objective descriptions, but there’s more support to find out WHY strains of immaturity are present. That’s today’s topic: Roadblocks.

Who Does This Apply To

There are some clarifications needed before the roadblocks are addressed. First of all, these roadblocks are not about interpersonal communication, meaning joint issues for both spouses. Second, if you recognize your own story here, take action. Third, if this seems to be your spouse, be supportive. Fourth, if your spouse does not take action, be ready to seek your own support to know how to manage your part of the marriage. Lastly, Roadblocks are typically from before your current relationship/marriage. Therefore, you are neither the cause nor the cure. 

Roadblock #1: Abuse

Abuse looks like MORE than the normal bumps of childhood. It can fall on either extreme: intentional and physical harm or neglect, even to withhold medical care. Parents themselves may be immature, addicted or suffer a mood disorder. In my words, they may be repeating how there saw their own parents react.

In an emotional setting, parents may create an environment that isn’t safe for sharing feelings or being honest. They may not support the uniqueness of their child… you. This can be communicated verbally (ridicule, control) or nonverbally (silence, avoidance).

Sexual abuse causes feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, lack of trust, and compensation through over performing and over-giving. I’d add ‘over-explaining, over-apologizing, and overly taking responsibility for faults and tasks that are not your own’.

Sexual abuse also affects sexual behavior on both extremes; from hypersexual to diminished desire to totally disconnected, even a fantasy or blank state of mind. 

Sexual neglect towards a child or adolescent looks like NOT providing appropriate information and education on ~body changes, ~the meaning of sex, ~the standards of your family or culture, and ~the relational aspects of sex, i.e. we show love and commitment as a husband ad wife in our marriage through sexual intimacy. 

If the effects of sexual abuse is NOT addressed it will: LIMIT how you give and receive Inside and Outside the BEDROOM.

Roadblock #2 Addiction

All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development.

That is worth repeating. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping. The addict:

·         Emotes like a 13-15 year-old

·         Can’t define right from wrong

·         Cant’ take responsibility (for self)

·         Lives in a fantasy world

·         Thinks they can do as they please, without consequences

But in recovery, after moving from immature to healthy, they can connect and have even greater sex!

Sexual Addiction

·         Limits the ability to be authentic

·         Includes pornography, masturbation, sexting and hookups

·         Causes comparison which creates dissatisfaction

It can bring about:

·         Betrayal (there’s a struggler and a partner)

·         STDs

·         Job loss, financial loss

·         Erosion of family

Roadblock #3 Anorexia

Although we typically think of this term in regards to an eating disorder of withholding food, Dr. Weiss has coined a term, intimacy anorexia.  One partner withholds emotional, spiritual or sexual intimacy. The partner feels alone, disconnected, unnoticed, and unwanted.

How does it happen? Distance is created by:

·         Being busy – with work, kid’s projects, even helping at church

·         Speaking blame – I’m doing these things because of you

·         Withholding love and praise

In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner.

Yes, this is also worth repeating. This kind of distance is NOT just a certain personality type that has a problem opening up. It is also NOT because they don’t know how or they are afraid. It is an intentional withholding.

It may be the most noticeable in:

·         Criticism

·         Anger/Silence

·         Money usage that is manipulated

·         Roommate Status – with no blow-ups, but also no closeness

Ho w to Resolve

I disagree strongly with Dr. Weiss on how to bring recovery to this issue. I won’t even state his suggestions. I employ 5 R’s to bring healing.

1. Recognize impact (You have to acknowledge what is happening.)

2. Release lies/wounds (Your identity and value has been jeopardized by this hurt.)

3. Replace with God’s Truth (You can choose what God promises and the love HE has for you.)

4. Restore wholeness (You create a new lifestyle of choices that honor you.)

5. Reclaim identity (You see and receive the power and blessing of being God’s child.) 

Your Power in Your Sexual Intimacy

Learning how to be responsible for what you want in your sex life, what asking for sex looks like (in a healthy way), and applying practical phrases for being a clear communicator are the last thoughts we’ll cover. This is the practical application of the entire book. Don’t miss next week’s video or blog!

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session