Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 2

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The 5 sexual expressions, written by Dr. Douglas Weiss, are as ground-breaking to sexual intimacy as the 5 love languages are to relationships. By recognizing your own tendencies in these objective descriptions, you will reduce your anxiety. There’s nothing like knowing you are not alone, your views are not ‘crazy’, and you can make all of the changes you desire.  

PLEASURE as a Sexual Expression

Do you enjoy learning about new techniques, like where to put your hands and what activities to combine together?  Do you see sexuality as an unlimited, multidimensional and ever-growing experience? Do you want to be understood and explored as a whole person with an entire range of sexual pleasure with your spouse? This might be your innate expression.

PATIENCE as a Sexual Expression  

Would your sexual experience be even better if there was a designated space, both in time set aside and in a very private location? Is the type of touch you like very light, almost barely there and possibly with an extended time for foreplay? Have you preferred an orgasmic encounter that’s based on consistency and reliability of motion and stimulation? This might be your innate expression.

A quick pushback on the name of this expression: out of the 5, this word doesn’t have the same positive connotation. Compare it yourself- fun, desire, pleasure, patience, and acceptance/celebration. Because of that and, in conjunction with the description, I propose we rename it to: gentleness. That seems more appealing than ‘patience’ but it still communicates a similar feeling. What do you think?

ACCEPTANCE/CELEBRATION as a Sexual Expression   

How does the thought of ‘all of me’ loving and being known by you, speak to you? How does it feel when your spouse doesn’t just ‘love’ you but also likes you and is proud of you? If given the choice, would you pick words of value and gratitude as a part of your sexual experience? This might be your innate expression.

Immature Expressions

All of these expressions also have immature counterparts. It’s typically selfish and even demanding. They may confuse sex for love. This unhealthy version could have been prompted by neglect, trauma, sexual abuse or addiction. But by using this information to grow in your understanding  (as an individual first),  you can still make the changes you want to… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

ROADBLOCKS to Healthy Sexual Expression

Stay tuned for the next post about possible Roadblocks that have gotten you stuck in your process. You may not be aware of past experiences that have hurt you. You may have buried them deep, but know they’re there. It’s time for your healing.  

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

From Invisible to Living Out Loud

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 1

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Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study- Week 1:Why I chose this book, what my pushbacks are and the first 2 sexual expressions

Why I Chose this Book

Dr. Weiss’ information is groundbreaking in regards to descriptions of sexual expressions. He gives language to the delicate behaviors of sex with everyday examples. This fresh understanding removes the fear of the unknown, which reduces anxiety. It describes actions and motivations with an objective point of view. That creates a safer distance to examine personal hurt. When you recognize certain patterns, yet see they are not isolated to you or your sexual partner/spouse, it releases some of the sting. It’s also laid out in a way to study sexual behavior, identify your bent and your perspective, so you can apply practical tips to make changes… to Upgrade Your Sex Life.

What I Liked About the Book

1. It gives language to behavior. If you are hurt by someone else’s words or actions it’s hard to be objective and describe their behavior. It’s seen through the pain. Dr. Weiss’ descriptions provide nonbiased words to distinguish each innate sexual expression.

2. It emphasizes intimacy within sexual encounters over the actual act of sex. This means the goal of bonding, love, fun and mutual pleasure and meaning, trumps the physical sensation of sex.

3. It is NOT described in a graphic sexual way. It’s more about how emotional needs show up in a sexual context.

4. It is NOT a list of sexual acts or techniques. It’s a PG version of pleasurable touching.

5. The goal of upgrading your sex life is to create a loving, healthy relationship.

6. It focuses on key components that I highly agree with- integrity with sexual choices (includes purity in marriage), abstinence and obvious harm from pornography, and understanding and mutual agreement on sexual activities- with showing love as the purpose.

7. It has a great mix of solid background information (5 expressions), possible problems (3 roadblocks), and practical steps for change (applications for communication).

8. It has an explanation of the sexual expressions in a continuum, showcasing healthy but giving examples of what each sexual expression looks like in an immature demonstration.

My Pushback

1. It is not written with an overtly Christian perspective. Although Godly honor is represented there are no scriptures or references to a Christian framework for relationships. Dr. Weiss does partner with Christian media outlets though, through Healing Time Ministries and other sexual integrity groups like Bravehearts. We both presented in the 2018 Restored Summit with 70+ Christian leaders.

*This could prompt you in a good way, though. You may question what scripture is meaningful, that you base your understanding on. You may more quickly identify how scripture has been twisted in your past experiences when it is NOT included in any kind of shaming way.

2. It doesn’t include any additional obstacles faced by Christians because of messages embedded in church culture. That’s a very real thing; like “can I be ‘hot’ and ‘holy?’” and “I said no for so long before marriage, I don’t really know how to say ‘yes’ now”.

3. He refers to couples as partners and NOT spouses. His work is open to Christians and non-Christians, so his language in this book does not abide by the sex-in-marriage-only standard. I overlooked this to get to the heart of the message. I, though, talk only about sex between a married-to-each-other husband and a wife.

FUN as a Sexual Expression

 Do words like spontaneous, creativity and experimenting get your attention? Then, maybe FUN is your innate sexual expression. The goal of every new sexual activity is not necessarily adding more meaning or more pleasure. The goal is- will this be fun? It could be a very similar sexual act but in a new location.

Of course, on the immature side, that push for something new might include greater risks, even to illegal behavior. It also could seem selfish or demanding because their ideas are all they are focusing on, not their spouse’s well-being and mutual honor and pleasure.

DESIRE as a Sexual Expression

Do you want to be craved by your partner, starting sexual conversations outside the bedroom and building great anticipation? The DESIRE sexual expression totally enjoys the playful tease and touch throughout the entire day. They love to plan special time together with the whole mood in mind.

If this expression is not fully developed it may seem like the act of sex is a substitute for an overall emotional and sexual connection. The behavior could make sex seem shallow and their spouse might feel more like an object. Their way is NOT the right way. Blending both expressions is best.


More Sexual Expressions

How can you determine your innate expression and your spouse’s? The next blog post will cover the remaining three expressions and provide a brief ‘quiz’. Read it together, where ever your most intimate conversations happen, inside or outside the bedroom. Understanding is the goal. When you know and love yourself, you can be known and loved by others, especially your spouse.

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul, and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study introduction

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Starts Monday, Dec 2, 2019. Prepare for the BEST 2020 ever by diving deep into understanding yourself and your spouse in a whole new light.

This groundbreaking work deserves a groundbreaking platform.

I’ve decided to host a series of blog posts to capture such practical and fascinating information. The blogs can be accessed by anyone (male and female) whereas my facebook group (where the weekly videos will be hosted) can only be accessed by women.

Women, you are invited to join this group for the ENTIRE Book Study plus other great content. The Facebook group provides a sense of community, privacy, and respect. https://www.facebook.com/groups/IntimacyMadeSimpleforChristianMarriage/

The first 5 chapters of Dr. Weiss’ book describes one of his unique topics- “Finding Your Unique Sexual Expression”. This information alone will revolutionize your ideas about sexual intimacy. But the book also includes tremendous practical tips (from his 25 years of counseling).

One other specific description gives measurable traits for understanding your sexual maturity. The idea is, no matter what your biological age is, you may not be functioning sexually as an adult. There are also levels for the sexual adolescent and the sexual child. Again, this in regard to how yow process in your sex life.

With all of his concepts, there are takeaways to make the change you want so you can… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

I can’t wait for you to join us.

Can a ‘Good Girl’ Christain Wife Feel ‘Hot’ with Her Husband?

When the church doesn’t talk about an issue very much it may seem that it is of lesser importance. But, that is not always the case.

Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is rarely talked about enough in Christian settings.

Many couples wrestle with this battle. Of course, as a committed believer, they are truly hungering after MORE of God. It impacts their entire life. Living from their faith, brings them images of daily devotional time, praying for others, and growing their spiritual side. But in marriage, it seems like many other factors are pulling for their attention.

How can you be ‘hot’ with your spouse but still ‘holy’ for God?

Couples are dealing with varying sex drives, opposite love languages, and undoing the mess from past relational and sexual experiences. This can look like:

  1. Constant agitation- a tug-o-war about what they want and need from each other

  2. The blow up or shut down cycle- makes communication uncomfortable at the very least

  3. Gradual distance- drifting apart because its just easier to not dive back into the issues

What is the worse thing that can happen?

Divorce is a tragic outcome to unmended communication in your marriage. But a slow death, of just existing together, completely destroys hope for a better future.

Avoiding the intimacy isues in marriage not only brings a halt to happiness and fulfilment in your lives, it re-writes your children’s future and concept of relational living as well.

How can you integrate being ‘hot’ and ‘holy’?

Many couples carry around emotional (and sexual) baggage from past experiences preventing them from enjoying true intimacy. By getting help from the right coach and the right tools, you can set your relationship on a restorative path to the marriage you wanted, when you said: I Do.

3 Steps to Feel FREE in Your Sexual Expressions, from a Godly Point of View

  1. Address and value your desires and needs

  2. Create communication patterns so things never seem TOO big

  3. Practice ways to invite God into your intimacy (sexual, spiritual, emotional and physical)

There are lots of ways to incorporate this into your daily life, with support and accountability. I’m offering The Christian Wives’ Guide to Great Intimacy in Marriage: 4-weeks to Unlock the Secrets to Your Pleasure and Happiness. You’ll learn ways to Transition to Intimacy, Libido Zappers, and how to make Romance, Adventure and Fun a part of your relationship.

See ALL the details here: https://marywhitmanortiz.com/christian-wives

Only $50 for the ebook and group coaching. It starts March 28th!

When you sign up you will already be one step closer to feeling good about being ‘Hot!’ and ‘Holy!’

#metoo Discovery on a Bike Ride

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Can You See the Light at the End of the Tunnel?

That question took on new meaning for me last week. I was up in the mountains of Montana on the Hiawatha Bike Trail. The views were spectacular. The weather conditions, perfect.  I’d been on the trail before, a few years ago, so I gave hardly a thought to the preparations, plus, I was going with a large and well-equipped group.

But, there were several things I had not taken into consideration.

My helmet didn’t fit well. I had not gotten used to the gears on this rental bike. I’d experienced a broken ankle and 5 months of not walking since my last bike trip here.

Why do I bring this up and how does it fit into a ‘sex and intimacy’ themed coaching? Stay with me to find out.

The first of the 9 tunnels, on the 15-mile trail, was 1.6 miles long. Pretty impressive. The idea of it certainly charged me up. (I’ve been known to do a few challenging things in my career, like direct a ropes course 40 feet in the air, in both KY and CO.) But for the most part, I was motivated by the opportunity of a change of pace and scenery to gain a fresh perspective on what God was speaking to my heart.

Shortly into the tunnel, things were going okay. I was with a small group of riders. I could hear their cheerful voices and see the overshot light of their headlamps. I acclimated to the darkness. It felt cool with the drips of condensation falling on my arms, and a bit thrilling to ride into the ‘unknown’.

But minutes later something different happened.

The group pulled ahead of me. I realized my own headlamp was not pointed directly in front. My vision became obstructed by the dimness. Then, I noticed the road not only had potholes in the gravel but also, it wasn’t flat. The center was a bit mounded. It sloped down on both sides to an edge with an 18” concrete drop off, to collect the dripping water and rain flow if it occurred.

Are you getting the picture of where I might be going with this now?

As I rode on, the nagging thoughts about my limited vision, uneven pedaling (due to the poorly adjusted gears), and realization of no place to pull over to realign, finally got to me. I began to lose my balance, drift down the sloping side, then overcorrect with the handlebars, which made everything worse. I picked up speed, zigzagged towards the side and thought, “Oh, my gosh! I’m gonna crash right here in the worst possible place for me AND everybody else behind me still riding this way.”  This went on for a short eternity. Back and forth, jiggling and bumping over the gravel, in the dimness.  At the last possible second, I put my foot down and caught myself before skidding into the concrete drop off.  I was relieved to not crash, but I was still in the tunnel, still in the darkness, and now my adrenaline was soaring. I felt even more encumbered.

How on earth was I gonna make it all the way through?

My plan of action was to slow down and just do what I could do. Thankfully, the next small group of riders came up and one of the guys went in front of me and shone their light. Whew! There was another wave of relief, but I still could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, figuratively or literally.

I began to pray silently and try to relax.

I knew my tension was not making anything any easier. And, I kept pedaling. As much as I wanted it all to stop immediately, as much as I was slightly embarrassed and still slightly afraid, I had to keep on going. In my head, the tunnel had to end at some point, if I could just keep going.

And then it happened.

Way in the distance, the light began to appear. I was instantly encouraged. Truly, I could see the tiniest bit of daylight peeking through. I couldn’t take my eyes off the dimly lit gravel path in front of me, but I was aware the light was there. It was such an encouragement.

What followed next though, caught me by surprise the most.

As the light grew, and the outline of other riders began to be more noticeable I thought it would all be over ASAP. With every rotation of the pedal, I thought surely we are there now, but it wasn’t so at all. One of the riders nearby called out, “Halfway mark!” and my heart sank. I was not out of the dark yet. Even though I could see the light, even though I had people around me, and even though I knew daylight and safety awaited me, I still had more work to do… mostly in my head, but also compelling my body forward, to ride that final stretch.  

And, so I did.

I came out the other side. Took some pictures, got a drink of water, adjusted my helmet and my gears and began the rest of the ride, enjoying the stunning evergreen vistas and waterfalls.

But there’s one more part to my story, which will explain the whole reason I share this experience.

After dinner that night, we met with friends to recap the day. Everyone was telling their best stories and the mood was light. I didn’t want to be a downer for the scene, but I did want to lightly reflect on my thoughts. I described that first tunnel (I had to ride through 8 more, but none of the subsequent tunnels were as long or precarious). I spoke of my surprise about traversing the mounded gravel road, in the dark with poorly adjusted gears and helmet, and how it had been more of a challenge than I wanted or expected.

And here’s where the beautiful ‘ah-ha’ moment took place.

My friend, who had also been on the trail with me, said, “I didn’t know you were experiencing that, too. I thought it was just me.”  And right then and there, each one of us was validated and supported. Our thoughts and feelings were honored and affirmed. She knew she wasn’t the only one.

This was the best kind of #metoo.

Here’s my point- the paths we take in life are sometimes not what we wanted or expected. Especially in regards to sex and intimacy, there can be slippery slopes, and long patches of darkness, plus the feeling of not being able to do anything but KEEP ON GOING. And though we know in our head that it’s just a season, there will be light at the end somehow, still,

…we have to keep on going.

So, for any woman who reads this, you don’t have to stay in that scary and uncertain place of darkness, sexually.

~If you’ve experienced belittling, manipulation, or distorted views about intimacy (even through the church) this is your light at the end of the tunnel.  

~If you’ve never been comfortable sharing what’s going on in your marriage, even though you know it’s just not right, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

~If you’ve had sexual abuse or trauma in your past and it feels like you just can’t get over it, but you want to, this is your light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s my story, too.

God restored my heart and brought me to a place of happy and healthy relational intimacy. HE can do that for you, as well. I can ‘ride’ with you, shine the light, and help you through to a safe place to receive His acceptance, to love yourself with His love, and to create a future, full of confidence to be YOU.

Wow! Just how much would that impact your intimacy in your relationship?!!  

If this is you, and I know it’s many of you, let’s talk. You never have to feel trapped, in the dark, and unable to make the realignment and adjustments you want and need.  Email me and we’ll explore just how I can help you. hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

I dedicate my harrowing tale to you and declare a NEW trail is in your future.

What is “Step 1” to Create Emotional Intimacy?

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“I just want him to know me and do things that are meaningful to me.”

Seems simple enough, right?! But actually, that is a very high level of empathy and takes a lot of learning (and desire) to get there. What do I mean?

1. Cognitive Empathy is the first level.

It’s the ability to understand another person’s perspective AND to stop telling them how they should do it ‘your’ way.

That’s HUGE!

When we remember our opinion is only ONE opinion and other opinions have EQUAL value, it fuels connection, which fuels intimacy, which makes it ‘safe’ to be vulnerable, which creates the right tone for sexual intimacy in marriage to be the blessing God designed it to be.

2. Emotional Empathy, at the next level, allows you to ‘feel’ what another person feels.

This is NOT logical. There is a tremendous amount of work to get to this place. Identifying your own feelings is ONLY the result of very intentional observation and assessment. Identifying what someone else is feeling and CHOOSING to feel that with them, WOW!! This is such an act of love.

This empathy process is completely FOREIGN to so many people. Maybe even your husband.

3. Empathetic Concern is the high level that will actually sense what another person needs from you… and will CHOOSE to give that.

Can’t you see God’s love at work?! This is what dying to self is really supposed to look like. It says, “I honor me because God made me in His image. And I honor others because they are also made in His image.”

If you want your guy to just know what you want and give it to you without even being asked, well, you are expecting a lot from him. Are you doing the same in return?

The good news is… Empathy can be learned.

Empathy will make EVERY relationship better. Empathy gets easier the more you practice it.

The first step to empathy is to understand another person’s perspective. It starts with questions like this, “Would you explain that to me again so I can better understand you?”

Remember, the Golden Rule is to treat others as you would like to be treated, but the Platinum Rule is a bit different. It says to treat others like they want to be treated.

Wishing you happy trails down the beautiful, yet winding path towards Empathy.