My husband and I will focus on this question at a Marriage Workshop we lead this weekend.  What’s the answer… it’s not tips for how to deal with things in the heat of the moment, but how to prevent that heated moment from happening.

4 Steps to minimize conflict and keep doors open to meaningful connection

1. Practice gratitude.

This is an internal choice to be thankful and focus on your spouse as a good gift from your heavenly Father. It keeps your perspective aligned with the model of the Kingdom and is a faith position, so it engages Heaven in your relationship.

2. Offer praise.

We all respond well to compliments, affirmation, and personal encouragement. It may not be your natural disposition or love language to talk that way, but you can learn it. See the power in Proverbs 15:1. A soft answer turns away wrath.

3. Seek communication.

The little things count. Texts, even funny emogis can help you stay connected. Couple that with consistent, heartfelt dialogue and you’re more likely to be aware, in tune, and able to prevent a big blow up or a subtle point of division.  

4. Pursue dating and intimacy.

Intention changes everything! Choosing him, choosing ‘us,’ completely safeguards your relationship. You need time to make that happen. Through fun activities, deep sharing, and meaningful emotional and sexual intimacy your bond grows strong!

The effort you put into prevention is easier than the effort required for conflict resolution. Let growing be your goal and you’ll circumvent most of your potential issues.

Limitless Intimacy is God’s design for courageously loving so you create true connection.  

Intimacy is one of the most precious rewards of a relationship.  Just the same, it can be one of the most dreaded processes. Why is it such a big deal? How does it impact our sexuality?

These are truths we need to know.

As a married woman, sexual intimacy is a part of your everyday world in some capacity. This article will give you practical tips for sure, and a lot more. Just being able to talk about the issue sheds light on your concern and will open new doors of freedom.

But before I go on, let me make a bit of a disclaimer. The ideas I’ll share are designed for women in marriages who feel safe to be themselves. It’s for women who want to be healthy, and of course, trust all God has for them. If there is any hint of abuse in your marriage I will never suggest you dive into growing your sexuality without dealing with the overall health of your marriage. I don’t mean to be alarming or negative, but I know there is potential for messages to be skewed.  So please read on with an attitude of keeping your heart safe.

If any discomfort arises from this article, I’m happy to chat with you and offer support.

Transition to Intimacy- what’s the big deal?

Feeling ripe and ready for sex isn’t automatic, even if you are happily married, totally committed, and wanting to grow your relationship.  So don’t feel ‘bad’. It’s very normal to have an ebb and flow in your desire level. There are tons of reasons why. Fatigue. Distraction. Hormones. Body image. Relationship issues. Health. Stress. You might not know why. You might know the exact moment things began to shift for you. The issue is as specific and personalized as your DNA. If you want to pursue more understanding of the ‘why’ I have several resources. My books, Why Can’t I Talk to Him about Sex? and Why Can’t I Talk to Her about Sex? , my questionnaire “Blocks to Intimacy”, my “Healthy Sexuality Checklist” and, of course, Relationship Coaching with me to help you discover your ‘why’ and path to freedom.

What we’re going to focus on, though, is how to create your own bridge to freely engage in intimacy.   

Spiritual Support

Intimacy was God’s idea to begin with. HE’s not surprised or embarrassed by what you are experiencing. HE wants you to know that HE sees you as His daughter. HE sees you with complete eyes of love. You are totally accepted by Him. Having your value come from His abundance of love and goodness towards you will create a new appreciation and confidence. So, include Him in your intimacy. Let this be a part of your prayer life (without any condemnation.) HE is the creator of transparency. Being vulnerable in Him (because of His love) is the ultimate example for us to follow.

Emotional Support

I always recommend doing a Feeling Check-In during the day.

If you wait until intimacy time, you’ll be processing everything from your day and that will be a huge distraction and a delay to your intimacy. Affirming your self-value and acceptance is your responsibility even though the source of it is God (like I described above). So you being comfortable with ‘you’ goes a long way. Yes, we are a work in progress, but a strong self-esteem carries over into everything (and I mean everything) you do. And remember, intimacy is a choice. That is the gift you give to yourself, your spouse, and to your marriage.

Mental Support

This is the mother lode. What you are thinking determines everything. You have the opportunity to make a conscious shift. To be intentional. To release your magnitude of busy thoughts and begin to go someplace else. Yes, I know there are dental appointments to make, teachers to call, business deadlines to keep, prayer requests to carry, and so on. But, won’t they all be there two hours later? Will holding onto them tightly cause any better results? Learning the art of letting go will serve you in all areas of life. Plus, it’s a huge part of your faith walk.

I call this the exchange. You go from seeing yourself as the keeper of every detail of life to seeing yourself as a healthy sexual being.  

Release the busy thoughts. Choose healthy thoughts about your godly identity as a sexual being. Encourage yourself to meditate on all the good that comes from that. Picture yourself enjoying intimacy with your husband… freely.

Physical Support

Now we’re ready for some fun. There are so many things you can do to transition from your hectic day to a place of intimacy. If you’ve addressed things spiritually, emotionally and mentally, then you are prepped for this last stage.  Consider these:

·         Draw a bath.

·         Light a candle.

·         Play some tunes.

·         Apply your favorite scent.

·         Wear your prettiest or wildest attire.

·         Do some deep breathing to relax.

·         Practice a few kegal exercises.

·         Create your setting.

Relational Support

Of course, we have to mention your hubs in the process. It does include him, right?! So this may be an additional tricky part. Do you know what you want? Do you know how to ask for it? Being assertive is an important part of meaningful interaction in life, and it is absolutely invaluable in sexual intimacy. There is an ‘us’ that is bigger than you (or him) as individuals.

You can ask your husband to help you transition. You don’t have to add this responsibility to your ‘to do’ list.  

It’s true. Men don’t struggle with this transition as much because they compartmentalize. That’s actually God’s design so they are better protectors. They can make those quick decisions without entanglement that keep us safe in crisis moments.

But, as loving husbands they want you to be at your best. They want to help you, but don’t know what you need. You will have to know what to ask them for and how to ask for it. Puzzled? Consider these:

·         Have you had a manicure where the technician rubs your hands with lotion (in a non-sexual way)? That helps you relax. You can ask your husband for the same.

·         Ask him to help create the setting with music, candles or special items.

·         Ask him to cover your tasks 15 minutes early so you can have your adjustment period.

·         Ask him to offer to draw your bath.

·         Ask him to ask you what you need sometimes.

·         Ask him to create anticipation by agreeing to place a certain pillow on the bed if there’s interest.

·         Ask him how he’d like to help you, which helps ‘us’.

Practical Support

You need a plan to put this into action. You didn’t get here overnight. You won’t go from struggling to rocking it overnight, but you will make progress. Pick one area of support at a time to explore and begin bringing up the topic with your husband. He may not understand at first, but it’s probably not about you. It will take some re-wiring of his brain to follow you. But once he is on-board, you will have your biggest supporter.  

·         Keep learning about yourself.

·         Affirm your value in God.

·         Be aware of your sensual side and what brings you pleasure.

·         Grow your emotional intimacy with your husband.

Even if this is completely foreign to you or was formerly on your taboo list, you can bring amazing freedom to your intimacy.

I talk about this with women all over the world every day. If you want personalized support, let’s talk. God wants you to know oneness and freedom in your marriage. There are so many things we can do to bring you to the place of your dreams in intimacy. Let’s work together to create His best for your ‘us’.

For Relationship Coaching contact me: hello@marywhitmanortiz.com

What if you had the ability to…

1.       Know 100% that you are valuable and worth being honored and cherished

2.       Get clear in your heart about how you want to be loved- so you can ASK for it

3.       Express yourself openly and vulnerably in your emotional and sexual intimacy

Would that change how you saw yourself AND did relationships?

I’ve developed an Absolutely Amazing and Powerful Package for the woman who wants more closeness and passion in her marriage so she can enjoy God’s design for love, sex, and intimacy!

Here’s what you’ll get-

Grace Heart Self-Care Practice PDF Complete guideline on how to validate your feelings and integrate your devotional, journal and prayer time, plus an action step and affirmation

Daily Temperature Reading PDF Step-by-step template to develop meaningful communication on a fact, opinion and feeling level that increases closeness

Blocks to Intimacy Questionnaire PDF In-depth questions to pinpoint exactly where your hesitations impact your relationship and lead to how you can bring about change

PLUS 3 Bonuses… 

Bonus #1             Healthy Sexuality Checklist

Bonus #2             Transition Tips to Crossover to Intimacy after a Hectic Day

Bonus #3             Healthy & Godly Sexuality Resource List (Christian books and websites)

This offer is available from Thursday, Nov 24 at 11:59 pm

until Monday, Nov 27 at 11:59 pm.

It’s more than 75% OFF!!! ONLY $47.00 USD.

That includes the 3 Secrets PLUS the 3 Bonuses! (ADD-ON a one-time private coaching session at the ridiculously LOW price of $52 and get the TOTAL package for $99. Must be scheduled for 2017. Yep, it’s still under $100.)

What if you don’t increase the meaningful intimacy in your marriage?

Take a moment. Set this post aside. What will happen if you don’t know you are worth being loved, don’t know how to ask for what you want, and don’t know what if feels like to be truly FREE to express yourself intimately?

Is that what you want? It’s up to you.

I pray it’s the right time for you to say… YES! To valuing yourself and creating the most meaningful intimacy your marriage has ever known.

Pay Here for 3 Secrets: https://www.paypal.me/marywhitmanortiz/47

Pay Here for ADD On Coaching:  https://paypal.me/marywhitmanortiz/52

I started into marriage with high expectations.

 I wanted a godly relationship.  I wanted intimacy, oneness, acceptance, and to be cherished. I wanted the real deal, every beautiful image of romance and free expression. I wanted to be LOVED.

There were some gray areas leading up to the wedding.

Something was a bit off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. We often had disagreements about his strong opinions on everything.  I was concerned about his sincerity with God. But then he’d swoop in with some grand gesture towards me or sympathetic attitude towards someone in need and I melted. I reminded myself of all his good qualities and let my concerns go unaddressed. I always responded to his attention. It seemed to change the course of what was happening at the moment.

The wedding night started a pattern.

Every girl dreams of this moment. It’s both the thrill of freedom to share sexually what you’ve longed for and the euphoric satisfaction of finally being ‘married’. But our night went all wrong. It was abrupt, without tender build up or sweet nothings at the end. It brings to mind the image of an impatient mama cat. Her kittens are pressed up against her, contentedly nursing and then, she gets up and walks away, dumping them off and leaving them wanting her affection. Afterwards, I walked the beach, alone and in the dark.

I was praying, “God, is this all there is?” 

Absent was the sweet lingering of a beautiful exchange of love. Present was the weight of feeling disappointed, confused, scared and overwhelmed. I was clueless about what to do next. Resolved to go forward, though, I chose to keep trying to make it better. My hormones were still quite happy to be let out of the gate, so I spent the next week of our honeymoon chasing passion.

The physical aspect continued, but so did the silence.

As young marrieds life was full of new things. Getting settled, creating new schedules and wanting to be fully established as a couple. I got caught up in the whirlwind of being a newlywed and let the rush of a wedded lifestyle fill the void in our intimacy. We had sex all the time. We just did it without connecting emotionally.

The mixed messages began to gnaw at my heart.

He wanted me for this new life. He wanted me for sex. But he didn’t want to open up on an emotional level. To be honest, I didn’t help matters. I wasn’t used to people wanting to hear my deep feelings, so I didn’t know how to ask for the missing connection. I assumed we were after the same things in our relationship. I was struggling with being vulnerable and asking for what I wanted and needed. The pressure was mounting inside me, but I shut it down, by saying I was praying.  

The pattern continued.

He wanted more sex. I wanted more connection. We began a debilitating cycle of unmet needs. I started to express what I wanted, but he’d brush it off with a temporary gesture of goodwill. I remember getting ready for a women’s retreat. Before I left we’d had an intense fight. I was crying so hard I burst all the blood vessels under my eyes. All weekend long I kept covering my face hoping no one would notice. When I returned he’d painted and wallpapered the entire master bedroom. That act was supposed to take care of everything. And if I wasn’t appreciative ‘enough’, if I didn’t let his ‘love’ be enough, then what was wrong with me? 

My ‘failures’ were becoming more obvious.

I began to beat myself up for not ‘loving’ him enough. Surely, if I was a good wife, I’d be fine with whatever he wanted, however, he wanted to do it. And, he was doing this generous nice thing for me, by finishing up our new house… right? So, what was wrong with me? On the surface, my life was absolutely cruising along, the epitome of happiness and success. We were an attractive couple on the way up. But inside, I was dying. In my head, I not only wasn’t ‘loving’ my husband, but since that wasn’t happening, then I wasn’t pleasing God either. How could I live with that? 

My experiences weren’t lining up with Scripture.

As a wife, I was supposed to please my husband and put him first. I was supposed to yield my body to him. And yet, when we were together sexually I felt crushed. It’s like I wasn’t even there. My heart wasn’t requested or welcomed. My inner person wasn’t wanted, only my body. To be a good wife (a Godly wife) I needed to please him, but it was destroying me by continuing to let that happen.

It actually got even worse.

My hormones were still active. I had sensual desires. If I wanted to fulfill my own sexual needs it meant subjecting myself to this demeaning experience with him. In order to satisfy my passion, I had to agree that my inner person didn’t matter.  To participate on his terms meant I was just a body. So I ‘sold’ my soul to feel physical pleasure with my husband.

There was a trigger verse that distorted it more.

Col 3:5 in the Amplified translation has a phrase to “kill… sensual appetites”. I now know the full meaning, but back then it absolutely arrested me. There is a list of fleshly vices that Paul spoke about to stop. I identified with the phrase ‘sensual appetite’ because in my marriage that’s what intimacy had been reduced to… actually, what it always had been. Sexual intimacy was merely a physical, fleshly activity. So, to love God I was supposed to put away the very thing (sensual appetite) that showed ‘love’ to my husband. How could I possibly do both?

The full cycle was packed with ‘crazy making’.

I loved God and wanted to please Him. I loved my husband and wanted to please him. The way my husband wanted to be pleased was with sex. In order to have sex with him, I had to participate on a physical level only, without emotional intimacy. To have sex without my inner person being involved meant I had to deny that my heart was worth being loved. I had to agree that my life was second class and not deserving of honor. And the fact that I had active sexual inclinations myself was like my body selling out my own heart. To be fulfilled sexually (in my marriage) I had to go against what I believed subconsciously about my value in God. I had to disassociate from my emotional self (my identity) to express my sexual self (what seemed to just be my flesh). The dilemma was how could I love God, my husband and myself at the same time with this mess of an understanding about sexual intimacy?

Recognizing and exposing the lies began my journey to healing.

God walked me through some intense seasons of rebuilding my identity, based on His love. Because of His goodness in giving me freedom, I am now able to walk with other women on their journey to wholeness. Today I write, speak and openly champion healthy, Godly intimacy. As a Relationship Coach and Intimacy Advocate I work with women restoring their hearts (following sexual abuse and dysfunction) who want more freedom expressing themselves, so they can have meaningful connections. It is a process, but it is a true possibility with God’s love.

For the rest of my restoration story and information on how we can work together contact me at http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com. Working together, you cancreate the intimacy that thrills you spirit, soul, and body.    

Let’s face it, ladies, after life gets super busy (kids, increased responsibility, building your business) your love life sometimes gets put on the back burner. Sure, you absolutely LOVE your hubs, but priorities shift.

So, do you want to keep your passion alive? Date your mate? Find the ‘on’ switch?

Ask yourself these three questions because your brain is the most important sex organ you have.

1.       How valuable is your marital intimacy to you?

Factor in what it does for you- spirit, soul, and body. Consider what message it sends to your guy. Think about the bond it builds for you as a couple and as a family. Remember, strong families make strong communities. Strong communities change the world. (Yes, I just said your mutually honoring sex life is good for America.)

2.       How do you create space for it?

Break this down into three components. Sure you need time for the actual expression of your love, but there’s more than that. You also need time to plan and cover the logistics like child care or alone time when older kids are not around. But the one area most women overlook is your personal transition time. This includes turning off your never-ending, mental to-do list and getting in touch with your feelings before you are intimate. (Yep, you’ve got to be aware of you first, so his touch is well-received.)

3.       How do you boost (treasure) your own sexuality?

The world conveys sexuality through cleavage and legs, tight clothing, and obnoxious flirting, but where does that leave a Christian woman? If you still want to be modest, how do you show your sensual side? What would more confidence do for your intimate expressions? What is at the root of gaining more self-acceptance and therefore, confidence?  (I know, it’s a bigger idea than we think about at first.)

The good news is whatever God calls us to He also equips us for. So, if wonderful passionate, connection and bonding is His idea then… it is doable. You may need to gain a few communication tips or to identify your blocks to intimacy, but there is a path to God-designed pleasure.   

If this speaks to your heart, I have just the thing for you to do.

Join me for a powerful questionnaire to “Identify Your Blocks to Intimacy” and a one-hour Relationship Coaching session. You will gain new understanding PLUS the tools to put passion into action.

Find out more:   http://marywhitmanortiz.com/takethefirststep

“No one can know.”

That seems to be her cry, almost as much as her need to make the hurt,” GO Away!”

She’s afraid, alone and ashamed… and in the church.

For years she’s tried to do the ‘right’ thing, to be the Christian wife she’s ‘supposed’ to be. But it’s not making a difference in her marriage.

She reads passages like Eph 4:1-3 about ‘making allowances because you love one another’ and feels like…

—I have to put my husband first, regardless

—Whatever he wants of me has to be okay

—If I truly love him I have to let him be himself, even if…

It’s just all twisted up in her mind and heart, and if she admits it, in her body, too.

“HER body”. How long has it been since she felt like her body was her own? Seriously! It’s only for him, right?!

Everything about her physical, sexual, intimate life has been so distorted she just can’t see the Truth anymore. But she also can’t keep living this way.

Her husband’s expectations sexually have robbed her of her dignity.

They don’t have a lovingly mutual expression of bonding in their intimacy. What they do have is warped and cheap and degrading. And yet… they’re both Christians.

She simply CANNOT tell another soul.  

No one in the church… No one in her family… No one in her circle of friends…

How she feels about herself, how she feels about who she is in her sexual relationship with her husband… how can she possibly put it into words? Say it out loud? Admit to what has been happening?

That’s why her need for PRIVACY is of the utmost importance.

Words like security, safety, and CONFIDENTIALITY are imperative for her to seek some help.

And nothing in her correspondence can reflect the topic she needs to talk about. The process must be so secretive that it becomes an actual sanctuary for her; a sacred space to meet the heavenly Father’s loving presence and begin her healing. She can finally tell her story. She can start to breathe again.   

This is what happens for my clients.

Their concerns over their sexual intimacy (in their marriage) have plagued them for years. They’ve been super guarded with their issues because… where do you go so you’re NOT judged, but you also get help?

They come to me in a very private on-line space, in an All Day Session at a beachside location, or locally at my boutique office. Not only is the space safe, my attention for God’s healing of your heart is the safest place you can be.

And… I know your story, because… I lived it, too.

There is a future for you. It starts with HOPE. Let’s chat and see how working together can bring you answers and the freedom-to-be-you! Set up your call today. This is your time.

Your very confidential help begins NOW!

https://calendly.com/mary-19/healing-relationship-hurts/   

Yes, your body tells you if you’re hungry, cold or sleepy. It might register fear, anger or even happiness, but that all happens by default, by our divine design. To open the door to understanding more requires intentionality. That is where we hit a bump in the road. 

We don’t know what we really, really want because…

• We’re too busy to pause and recognize our feelings.

• We subconsciously think we don’t ‘deserve’ to have our wants and needs met.

• We don’t know how to identify what’s going on at our core level.

I wish I knew the perfect way to motivate people to take this step. In Part I, we talked about the benefits of being assertive. Those rewards are waiting for us like a dangling carrot. Unfortunately, as human beings, we are usually motivated more by pain than pleasure. So, let’s look at the hurt you are causing by not taking this step, by NOT being assertive.

What does a lack of assertiveness bring to your life?

• For every relationship that feels stagnant, uncomfortable or volatile, there is something you have NOT recognized. If you want that pain to stop, you have to face that it is happening.

• For every business opportunity that still lingers beyond your reach, there is a missing mindset or skill set you need to acquire. Acknowledging this truth (without shame) will transform your course in life.

• For every unfilled (or lost) desire you have to make a difference in the world, there is a hindrance to knowing your purpose and how you can contribute and serve. Owning this truth, though painful during the process, will open doors to finally sharing your gifts with the world and being FREE to be yourself.

When you decide that knowing what you really, really want will better your own life, plus the lives of those you care about most, you will take ACTION!

To learn the real-life steps to make it happen, look for Part III.  

You will also have an opportunity to receive a complimentary copy of “Awaken Your True Self-Worth”. This 3 Day DIY Mini-Course walks you through the process of creating a safe place to hear your heart.

Contact me at hello@marywhitmanoriz.com for more details.

What Brings Emptiness to Your Relationships?

Your life is at such a FAST pace and so full of BUSYNESS you don’t have time to CHECK-IN with you, much less your significant other.

You have created WALLS around issues that you couldn’t resolve and now it’s easier living with DISTANCE instead of working for connection.

Your dreams for oneness and BELONGING were dashed so long ago that you gave up HOPE and now you’re just going through the motions.

***Though this is a SAD and SCARY, let’s not STOP.***

It’s really because some fears in your life haven’t been recognized, released or replaced… yet. But it can be done.

Want to take step #1?

—Find a quiet place.

—Tell yourself it’s okay to ‘feel’ for just a few minutes.

—Relax and let some of the craziness, hurt or confusion surface.

–Capture those thoughts in a journal or your own specific way.

—Breathe in. Again. Even deeper. And let some of mess just flow out of you.

***There’s more we can do, but that’s a START.***

Your heart, your dreams and your life is truly WORTH the time and effort it takes to feel love. LOVE on you a bit today.

Pump! Pump! Pump! went the pedals on my bike. The crisp air whooshed across my legs and I felt the thrill of pre-Spring riding. The day was just warm enough for the luxury of an outdoor ride filled with fresh scents and active weekend athletes. As my momentum began to build I noticed a familiar sight approaching down the road on the horizon; my husband’s white truck. The second my brain processed who it was I also heard a happy and rhythmic “honk honk— honk honk honk”! It’s as if we were on the same wave length. That happens a lot for us, but I never take it for granted.

We are a 2.0 couple.

It’s our second time at love. The hurt and disruption from our first go-around taught us many lessons. Staying connected is one of them. Supporting each other’s passions is another. We cultivate mutual interests and usually he’s right there with me on the bikes. This happens for us because we are intentional.

Actually, we are hyper-intentional.

We create time, even dates, in our schedule weekly. We learned the best and funniest ways to have serious conversations. We trust each other’s input. I’m terrible at foreign languages and almost anything mechanical, but that’s where he comes through for me. He’s deadline motivated and a ‘stacker’ when it comes to organizing, but that’s where I shine for him. We know (for the most part) our strengths and weaknesses and we invite each other into those deep places of fear, need, and dreams. It is amazing.

We love on purpose.

Learning how you give and receive love is as powerful as a top-secret plan to ‘save the world’. It’s incredible and life-changing. Through the process you go from a clumsy and destructive wrecking ball to a highly-skilled, world renown surgeon. Really. It can eliminate completely or at least significantly reduce the confusion, frustration and pain of miscommunicating, over and over and over. It can produce tremendous bonding when you know someone chose to go out of their way to connect with you, in the way that’s best for you. Yesindeedy, being loved by choice changes you from the inside out!!

Loving yourself first opens the door to increased love in all relationships.

In my practice as a Life Coach, I work exclusively with women regarding intrapersonal wellness. The way we see, accept and value ourselves affects everything we do in life. Although it may seem too vague or overwhelming, there are so many very do-able habits to develop that will flip the switch in your communication and relationships. It’s my joy and honor to share some of those with you, here. I also host mastermind sessions, speak to groups, lead retreats and of course, coach one-on-one.

Contact your neighborhood resource for all things about becoming the best you; the TRUE you!

Mary Whitman-Ortiz, MA, CLC

4312 Pablo Professional Court

Jacksonville, FL  32224

904.718.8943