Assertiveness Tips that Bring Clarity and Kick Fear OUT of the Picture.


woman necklace.jpeg

When delicate issues arise, that you REALLY want to talk about, it helps to have a clear plan. Part of that is settling some vulnerable areas in yourself, first. Fear maybe lurking around (disguised as anxiety, hurt or even resentment) and it will skew all of your attempts to clarify. No one likes to be on a ‘runaway feeling train’ so let’s see how tapping into God’s limitless love will bring peace, direction, and favor.

The Assertiveness Journey Helps You Know and Love Yourself.

1. Know What You Want

Although this may seem like a silly point, it is a great starting place. Step outside of the emotional turmoil caused by the tension in the relationship, and ask yourself what you’d love to see happen. Picture it vividly. Get in touch with the great feelings that come from this positive place. Journal the idea to keep it fresh, as a focal point.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Want It

This is where the confusion may lie. Have you put your desires at the bottom of the list, after everyone else… but you still want MORE from your relationship? That’s when resentment creeps in and you can feel justified to stay there. Let your self-awareness rise-up to pinpoint what mixed messages you’ve internalized about ‘you’ receiving what’s good for you. By the way, this is not a selfish practice or goal.

3. Settle the Fear Issue

When questions arise, when control is gone, when doubts get loud, we are walking in fear. It’s not all ‘bad’, but we want to get on the healthy side. Here’are a few reminders: You’re only responsible for you. You’re not a mind reader, and neither is he. Quit playing both sides of the conversation in your head. That closes the door and creates distance and more fear before you even start.

4. Establish Your Self-Value and Identity  

You have a choice about how you see yourself. It can either be God’s way or the way of the world, filled with junk. That may seem blunt, but if you want transformation, that’s the truth. It takes a little digging to discern what messages are building you up and what you need to let go of, but it’s worth the work. Restoring your self-value frees you to love courageously, to see the best in everyone, including you.

5. Ask for Your Wants (with Understanding as the Goal)

Growing closeness in the relationship means you want to share what’s going on inside of you, bringing some missing information to the communication. Find the best setting for you both. Use a supportive tone. Select nonjudgmental words, preferring more “I feel…” statements to open up vulnerability, empathy, and intimacy. Ask for him to listen. Be ready to really hear him in return.

Women Who Take Action Change Their Relationships.

If you’re a woman who ‘has it ALL’, but your relationships are more disconnected than close, you’d trade everything just to recreate the magic, especially in your marriage. Thankfully, there are powerful communication tools that will bring clarity, kick out fear, and revitalize true connection. Let’s talk more and see how Relationship Coaching will open the door to ‘Limitless Intimacy’ and  courageously loving in your marriage.

When Your Normal is ‘Off’ How is Your Relationship Impacted?


be brave.jpg

Let’s say you have a new influence on your every day life. Maybe your in-laws are visiting, your husband is out of town, or your child is sick. Those can all be stressors. You love the people in your life and want to be there for them, but if your ‘normal’ is off, you need to something about it. Something healthy and good.

First, identify that you don’t feel like yourself.

You need to separate your feelings from the actual events that are taking place. Are you sad about being ‘left out’ of a fun trip (even if it’s for his work)? Are you irritated about having to give up your plans to provide the extra comfort your child needs? Are you frustrated that your husband slips back into ‘son’ role when his parents are in town and he minimizes his interaction with you?

Next, determine what you want to do about the situation.

Do you want your husband to listen and validate your feelings? Do you want him to brainstorm with you for some ‘us’ time even during this ‘off’ season? Do you want him to hear your heart while you repent for some selfishness or insecurity?

Last, find a way to include him in your journey.

Should you dump your rambling thoughts while the emotion is still intense? Should you tell him you need to ‘talk’ knowing that might make him ill at ease in anticipation? Should you diffuse yourself, share a snippet, and set-up an agreed upon time to share?

Relationships are living entities, forever changing, adjusting and providing opportunities for vulnerability and trust.

The process starts with getting your 100% value and identity from God. Then, you have to know and love yourself. After that, if mutual respect and understanding is the goal, you can find a healthy choice that keeps your emotional intimacy close.

Choosing to learn, while you’re in the middle of an ‘off normal’ season, is the hope that pulls you through to the next better place in ‘us’.

Be Brave!

What Happens When We Know What We Want, What We Really, Really Want? (Part 4)


Knowing how to ask for what you want can be separated into 4 categories: People, Place, Time, Words

People

Ask yourself, “What people have I invited into my inner circle because they have shown me (by their behavior) that I am valued and safe?” If you TRUST them (you feel respected and believe in their integrity), then you can consider if they are someone with whom you want to build a deeper relationship. Sharing ‘what you want’ with them has the potential to grow your relationship.

Place

Once you’ve determined who you want to share with, you can consider an ideal location. This needs to be free from extra distractions (like kids in-and-out and sports on the TV) and full of options for comfort that would put you both at ease (like refreshments and pleasant seating). It can happen most anywhere, on which you both agree.

Time

The time focuses on when and how long you share. Picking a mutually agreeable time (usually not first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening) and committing to a limited amount of time (maybe 30 minutes max) will make the process easier. As you build on these kinds of experiences you can say more in less time and almost spontaneously go to a deeper level of communication.

Words

“I” statements are the least threatening way to reflect on your concerns. This relieves the other person of feeling judged or blamed. If you have an idea about a common issue, you could use phrases like, “I’m puzzled when you ________” or “I have a concern about _____and a request to change it to____”. Concentrate on your perspective, because the goal is to bring understanding.

Assertiveness will grow with you as you put it into practice more and more. As long as the goal is bringing your whole self to the situation (and not being bossy or sassy) then it’s actually very respectful and freeing for the both of you.

If this still seems to be a bit much to manage because of a backlog of negative messages that affect your self-esteem and confidence, I have another service to offer.

Build Your Self-Esteem

“Self-Value Transformation Empowerment Day” is a one-to-one ALL day coaching session. There is time to identify your feelings and fears, release the lies that have limited you and replace them with God’s truth about your identity. This is led in a relaxing, beachside setting at Jacksonville Beach, FL or virtually, at your convenience, through SKYPE.

For all the details go to: http://www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-value

Let’s book your day and bring transformation, healing and freedom to your heart and relationships.      

Why don’t We KNow What We Want, What We Really, Really Want (Part 3)


I'll Tell You What I (2).png

This could be your ‘come to Jesus day’, because our first step involves knowing WHY you VALUE yourself. I believe we are made in God’s image, that HE loves us immensely (enough to send His son in our place to open the door to amazing fellowship with Him), and HE wants only good for us. But if that’s not your point-of-view, then fill in the blanks for how and why you value yourself. Are you ready?

1.       Value Yourself

        Choose to accept God’s love, to believe that HE accepts you JUST as you are, and HE has a plan for your future filled with His love and goodness. To really learn more join me for “Beauty in the Mirror: How to Value Yourself and Create Healthy Emotional Connections” http:www.marywhitmanortiz.com/self-worth

2. Hear Your Heart

Let the world stop long enough so you can release those hurts, confusions, and frustrations. Recognize what you’re FEELING, not ‘thinking’. Download a list of feelings (or contact me for a through inventory of feeling words (hello@marywhitmanoritz.com).

Don’t worry, it’s not just you. As a society we’ve gotten away from this process. We all walk around numbing, stuffing and ignoring our feelings. But it hurts us physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

You can change all of that NOW!

3.       Recognize Your Needs and Wants

Maybe you’re lonely because there’s a holiday coming up and you don’t have anyone to be with.  You need friendship or a listening ear. Maybe you’re sad because you’ve gotten some bad health news and you need comfort or companionship. Maybe you’re scared because work tensions are growing and you may have to leave. You NEED close friends and family you can trust with your concerns and heart issues.

That brings us to the final part in this series. “How to Ask for What I Need” will open your eyes to big picture topics like boundaries, and to relationship skills like knowing the love language you and your close friend have. 

Consider learning more about your relationships by taking a Prepare and Enrich on-line assessment with detailed feedback from me as your facilitator.

      bit.ly/2oMMKPO

Does this seem like work? It could be. But is it worth it? Are YOU worth it? YES! YES! YES!

Do You Know What You Want (What You Really, Really Want?)


girl kicking water at sunset

If you knew what you wanted… what you really, really wanted… how would that help you?

Is it all about getting your way? Is it to control other people and make your life easier, even happier? Is that the connotation we have sometimes when it comes to people freely expressing themselves and their requests?

Unfortunately, knowing what you want AND how to ask for it can be seen as a negative characteristic. But, when used in the best possible way, it’s a win-win-win. It actually produces self-confidence which makes everyone involved not only more comfortable but also more productive!

Let’s dive into that a bit more.

Being assertive means-

  •  I know what’s going on inside of me.
  • I’ve identified my feelings.
  • If I have a need, I can ask for it intentionally.

Just think about how much peace is created when we take responsibility for our needs (either by fulfilling them ourselves or with others). No more wondering what’s bothering you, how to get past a yucky feeling, or shutting down due to being overwhelmed.

And in personal relationships- how welcoming would it be to squelch the drama and just have meaningful conversations with reduced fear and a common goal of respecting and supporting one another?!!  Wow! Such a tremendous goal!

Knowing what you want… what you really, really want…  transforms your communication into something filled with PEACE, CLARITY, and RESPECT.

Stay tuned to find out ‘why we don’t usually choose assertiveness’, and the ‘step by step process to develop a healthy assertiveness lifestyle”.  And, a boundaries and love languages combo to bring it all together. Parts II, III and IV to follow.

3 Ways to STOP Your Entrepreneurial Spirit from Being an Obstacle in Your Marriage


What do you do if the one person you LOVE MOST in the world doesn’t ‘get’ or support your work?

They say, ‘opposites attract’, but let’s be honest, the opposing friction we like best is the result of GOOD chemistry.

So how do you deal with differing views on what’s super important to you: like your BIZ?

1. Validate yourself.

Acknowledge your own effort and DARING SPIRIT, your amazing commitment, your desire to SERVE and bring significant change and help to your sphere of influence. It’s a GOOD thing. It counts.

Your resilience is powerful. You’re getting sharper, clearer, and more effective every day. Yay you! for being both a DREAMER and a DOER. You are a rare breed.

Yay God! for making you exactly like you are, the only person who can bring your specific gifts to the world. Your PASSION for life is real. It matters!

2. Get Support.

There is NO need to do life alone, in any situation, especially one that is so tough. Find like-minded WOMEN who can walk the path with you.

Have one ahead of you to LEAD and assist. Have one behind you to extend your INSIGHT. Have ones on your right and left on which to lean, celebrate, and be ACCOUNTABLE and vulnerable.

Remember to pick them wisely. We’re not casting our pearls before swine here. Get a gauge for RESPECTFUL support and shared goals.

3. Communicate wisely.

Let’s dive into this a bit. He’s your man, not your enemy. Your DESIRE is to stay close and connected. Even through sharing differences, you can still be holding ‘US’ as your biggest priority.

And one more mind blowing idea for you- the goal is NOT 100% agreement. The goal IS 100% understanding.

You are two, separate individuals. Having different strengths makes you stronger TOGETHER.

Consider these points:

  • If it’s important to me, that’s enough.
  • His differences do NOT negate my values.
  • Boundaries in marriage are very healthy and actually create MORE closeness.

This is just a starting place.

If you want to know more how to communicate using: assertiveness, emotional word pictures, relational focus, and low-pressure strategies, let’s chat.

God is for you, your gifts, and your MARRIAGE. There is a way to make it happen.