Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study- Week 1:Why I chose this book, what my pushbacks are and the first 2 sexual expressions
Why I Chose this Book
Dr. Weiss’ information is groundbreaking in regards to descriptions of sexual expressions. He gives language to the delicate behaviors of sex with everyday examples. This fresh understanding removes the fear of the unknown, which reduces anxiety. It describes actions and motivations with an objective point of view. That creates a safer distance to examine personal hurt. When you recognize certain patterns, yet see they are not isolated to you or your sexual partner/spouse, it releases some of the sting. It’s also laid out in a way to study sexual behavior, identify your bent and your perspective, so you can apply practical tips to make changes… to Upgrade Your Sex Life.
What I Liked About the Book
1. It gives language to behavior. If you are hurt by someone else’s words or actions it’s hard to be objective and describe their behavior. It’s seen through the pain. Dr. Weiss’ descriptions provide nonbiased words to distinguish each innate sexual expression.
2. It emphasizes intimacy within sexual encounters over the actual act of sex. This means the goal of bonding, love, fun and mutual pleasure and meaning, trumps the physical sensation of sex.
3. It is NOT described in a graphic sexual way. It’s more about how emotional needs show up in a sexual context.
4. It is NOT a list of sexual acts or techniques. It’s a PG version of pleasurable touching.
5. The goal of upgrading your sex life is to create a loving, healthy relationship.
6. It focuses on key components that I highly agree with- integrity with sexual choices (includes purity in marriage), abstinence and obvious harm from pornography, and understanding and mutual agreement on sexual activities- with showing love as the purpose.
7. It has a great mix of solid background information (5 expressions), possible problems (3 roadblocks), and practical steps for change (applications for communication).
8. It has an explanation of the sexual expressions in a continuum, showcasing healthy but giving examples of what each sexual expression looks like in an immature demonstration.
1. It is not written with an overtly Christian perspective. Although Godly honor is represented there are no scriptures or references to a Christian framework for relationships. Dr. Weiss does partner with Christian media outlets though, through Healing Time Ministries and other sexual integrity groups like Bravehearts. We both presented in the 2018 Restored Summit with 70+ Christian leaders.
*This could prompt you in a good way, though. You may question what scripture is meaningful, that you base your understanding on. You may more quickly identify how scripture has been twisted in your past experiences when it is NOT included in any kind of shaming way.
2. It doesn’t include any additional obstacles faced by Christians because of messages embedded in church culture. That’s a very real thing; like “can I be ‘hot’ and ‘holy?’” and “I said no for so long before marriage, I don’t really know how to say ‘yes’ now”.
3. He refers to couples as partners and NOT spouses. His work is open to Christians and non-Christians, so his language in this book does not abide by the sex-in-marriage-only standard. I overlooked this to get to the heart of the message. I, though, talk only about sex between a married-to-each-other husband and a wife.
FUN as a Sexual Expression
Do words like spontaneous, creativity and experimenting get your attention? Then, maybe FUN is your innate sexual expression. The goal of every new sexual activity is not necessarily adding more meaning or more pleasure. The goal is- will this be fun? It could be a very similar sexual act but in a new location.
Of course, on the immature side, that push for something new might include greater risks, even to illegal behavior. It also could seem selfish or demanding because their ideas are all they are focusing on, not their spouse’s well-being and mutual honor and pleasure.
DESIRE as a Sexual Expression
Do you want to be craved by your partner, starting sexual conversations outside the bedroom and building great anticipation? The DESIRE sexual expression totally enjoys the playful tease and touch throughout the entire day. They love to plan special time together with the whole mood in mind.
If this expression is not fully developed it may seem like the act of sex is a substitute for an overall emotional and sexual connection. The behavior could make sex seem shallow and their spouse might feel more like an object. Their way is NOT the right way. Blending both expressions is best.
More Sexual Expressions
How can you determine your innate expression and your spouse’s? The next blog post will cover the remaining three expressions and provide a brief ‘quiz’. Read it together, where ever your most intimate conversations happen, inside or outside the bedroom. Understanding is the goal. When you know and love yourself, you can be known and loved by others, especially your spouse.
Your Personal Pushback
Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.
I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.
Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.
Don’t let your past rob your future.
Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul, and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session