Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.
Let’s dive in!
Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.
The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear
How do you ASK for sex?
1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)
2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)
3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)
How do you RESPOND to the ask?
1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)
2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)
Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?
Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.
In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?
There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.
And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.
Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels
Development as a Sexual Adult
1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off
2. Able to be sensitive to partner
3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)
Development as a Sexual Adolescent
1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’
2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression
3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)
4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk
Development as a Sexual Child
1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do
2. Rarely initiate sex
3. Rarely talk about sex
When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.
NOT initiating communicates:
I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)
Whereas, initiating sex says:
I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.
Wow! What a difference!
If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line.
Your Personal Pushback
Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.
I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.
Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.
Don’t let your past rob your future.
Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session