Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 2


upgrade your sex life book study.png

The 5 sexual expressions, written by Dr. Douglas Weiss, are as ground-breaking to sexual intimacy as the 5 love languages are to relationships. By recognizing your own tendencies in these objective descriptions, you will reduce your anxiety. There’s nothing like knowing you are not alone, your views are not ‘crazy’, and you can make all of the changes you desire.  

PLEASURE as a Sexual Expression

Do you enjoy learning about new techniques, like where to put your hands and what activities to combine together?  Do you see sexuality as an unlimited, multidimensional and ever-growing experience? Do you want to be understood and explored as a whole person with an entire range of sexual pleasure with your spouse? This might be your innate expression.

PATIENCE as a Sexual Expression  

Would your sexual experience be even better if there was a designated space, both in time set aside and in a very private location? Is the type of touch you like very light, almost barely there and possibly with an extended time for foreplay? Have you preferred an orgasmic encounter that’s based on consistency and reliability of motion and stimulation? This might be your innate expression.

A quick pushback on the name of this expression: out of the 5, this word doesn’t have the same positive connotation. Compare it yourself- fun, desire, pleasure, patience, and acceptance/celebration. Because of that and, in conjunction with the description, I propose we rename it to: gentleness. That seems more appealing than ‘patience’ but it still communicates a similar feeling. What do you think?

ACCEPTANCE/CELEBRATION as a Sexual Expression   

How does the thought of ‘all of me’ loving and being known by you, speak to you? How does it feel when your spouse doesn’t just ‘love’ you but also likes you and is proud of you? If given the choice, would you pick words of value and gratitude as a part of your sexual experience? This might be your innate expression.

Immature Expressions

All of these expressions also have immature counterparts. It’s typically selfish and even demanding. They may confuse sex for love. This unhealthy version could have been prompted by neglect, trauma, sexual abuse or addiction. But by using this information to grow in your understanding  (as an individual first),  you can still make the changes you want to… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

ROADBLOCKS to Healthy Sexual Expression

Stay tuned for the next post about possible Roadblocks that have gotten you stuck in your process. You may not be aware of past experiences that have hurt you. You may have buried them deep, but know they’re there. It’s time for your healing.  

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

From Invisible to Living Out Loud

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study Week 4


upgrade your sex life book study.png

Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.

Let’s dive in!

Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.

The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear

How do you ASK for sex?

1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)

2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)

3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)

How do you RESPOND to the ask?

1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)

2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)

Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?

Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.

In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?

There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.

And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.

Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels

Development as a Sexual Adult

1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off

2. Able to be sensitive to partner

3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)

Development as a Sexual Adolescent

1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’

2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression

3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)

4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk

Development as a Sexual Child

1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do

2. Rarely initiate sex

3. Rarely talk about sex

When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.

NOT initiating communicates:

I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)

Whereas, initiating sex says:

I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.

Wow! What a difference!

If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line. 

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 2


upgrade your sex life book study.png

The 5 sexual expressions, written by Dr. Douglas Weiss, are as ground-breaking to sexual intimacy as the 5 love languages are to relationships. By recognizing your own tendencies in these objective descriptions, you will reduce your anxiety. There’s nothing like knowing you are not alone, your views are not ‘crazy’, and you can make all of the changes you desire.  

PLEASURE as a Sexual Expression

Do you enjoy learning about new techniques, like where to put your hands and what activities to combine together?  Do you see sexuality as an unlimited, multidimensional and ever-growing experience? Do you want to be understood and explored as a whole person with an entire range of sexual pleasure with your spouse? This might be your innate expression.

PATIENCE as a Sexual Expression  

Would your sexual experience be even better if there was a designated space, both in time set aside and in a very private location? Is the type of touch you like very light, almost barely there and possibly with an extended time for foreplay? Have you preferred an orgasmic encounter that’s based on consistency and reliability of motion and stimulation? This might be your innate expression.

A quick pushback on the name of this expression: out of the 5, this word doesn’t have the same positive connotation. Compare it yourself- fun, desire, pleasure, patience, and acceptance/celebration. Because of that and, in conjunction with the description, I propose we rename it to: gentleness. That seems more appealing than ‘patience’ but it still communicates a similar feeling. What do you think?

ACCEPTANCE/CELEBRATION as a Sexual Expression   

How does the thought of ‘all of me’ loving and being known by you, speak to you? How does it feel when your spouse doesn’t just ‘love’ you but also likes you and is proud of you? If given the choice, would you pick words of value and gratitude as a part of your sexual experience? This might be your innate expression.

Immature Expressions

All of these expressions also have immature counterparts. It’s typically selfish and even demanding. They may confuse sex for love. This unhealthy version could have been prompted by neglect, trauma, sexual abuse or addiction. But by using this information to grow in your understanding  (as an individual first),  you can still make the changes you want to… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

ROADBLOCKS to Healthy Sexual Expression

Stay tuned for the next post about possible Roadblocks that have gotten you stuck in your process. You may not be aware of past experiences that have hurt you. You may have buried them deep, but know they’re there. It’s time for your healing.  

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

From Invisible to Living Out Loud

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study Week 4


upgrade your sex life book study.png

Dr. Douglas Weiss bookends this work with ground-breaking insight. To open, he describes the 5 sexual expressions: Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance/Celebration. (You have to read the other blogs to find out which one I renamed.) To end this book, he compares the development of a sexual adult, sexual adolescent and a sexual child. These are not physical age groups, but emotional ages. It’s absolutely fascinating and eye-opening. Again, these descriptions will help you so much as you lean into objective conversations to gain understanding with your spouse.

Let’s dive in!

Did you know you not only CAN ask your spouse for sex, but it’s also very helpful and empowering when you do. But, it’s often avoided because of so much clutter in our cultural practices. Truly, if you never learn it’s okay (even GOOD) then you probably have not learned HOW.

The bottom line is: Unspoken is Unclear

How do you ASK for sex?

1. Use “I” statements (I’d like to be intimate, fool around, make love, have sex…)

2. Be clear (Don’t ask: do you want to go upstairs?)

3. Use eye contact (especially while you are practicing this skill.)

How do you RESPOND to the ask?

1. Don’t stay neutral. (okay, fine, sure)

2. Be positive (Great! Awesome! You bet! Love to!)

Now that you know HOW, whose responsibility is it to ask?

Sexless marriages often happen because couples get stuck in a cycle of hurt-distance-busy-cool down-talk-sex. That can be extremely frustrating, especially if the cycle takes weeks. That’s a lot of time for resentment to build – and temptations to meet needs in other ways.

In the meantime, the negative self-talk goes crazy: I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly and fat! Why go there when you don’t have to?

There is NO one right person to do all of the initiating. It’s just what you both agree upon.

And now for the finale, the other ground-breaking bookend.

Sexual Interaction on Different Developmental Levels

Development as a Sexual Adult

1. Accepts themselves, is comfortable in who they are ALL day, not just when the clothes come off

2. Able to be sensitive to partner

3. Maintains and protects integrity in the marriage (no outside parties)

Development as a Sexual Adolescent

1. Mostly in it for ‘me’ and not ‘us’

2. Unaware of their partner’s needs, desires or sexual expression

3. Gets mad over having to have sex, being expected to have sex, when they can’t have sex (due to the partner’s illness, pregnancy, etc.)

4. Conversations are immature, almost like cheap locker room talk

Development as a Sexual Child

1. Don’t see themselves as a sexual being, it’s something they have to do

2. Rarely initiate sex

3. Rarely talk about sex

When it comes to initiating sex, here’s what you need to know.

NOT initiating communicates:

I tolerate sex. I don’t need sex. I don’t want you. You’re fat (or some other negative message.)

Whereas, initiating sex says:

I am wanted. I am attractive. I am valued. I am important. I turn them on. They matter.

Wow! What a difference!

If you want your spouse to feel loved, initiate sex. Bottom line. 

Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session

Upgrade Your Sex Life Book Study 2


upgrade your sex life book study.png

The 5 sexual expressions, written by Dr. Douglas Weiss, are as ground-breaking to sexual intimacy as the 5 love languages are to relationships. By recognizing your own tendencies in these objective descriptions, you will reduce your anxiety. There’s nothing like knowing you are not alone, your views are not ‘crazy’, and you can make all of the changes you desire.  

PLEASURE as a Sexual Expression

Do you enjoy learning about new techniques, like where to put your hands and what activities to combine together?  Do you see sexuality as an unlimited, multidimensional and ever-growing experience? Do you want to be understood and explored as a whole person with an entire range of sexual pleasure with your spouse? This might be your innate expression.

PATIENCE as a Sexual Expression  

Would your sexual experience be even better if there was a designated space, both in time set aside and in a very private location? Is the type of touch you like very light, almost barely there and possibly with an extended time for foreplay? Have you preferred an orgasmic encounter that’s based on consistency and reliability of motion and stimulation? This might be your innate expression.

A quick pushback on the name of this expression: out of the 5, this word doesn’t have the same positive connotation. Compare it yourself- fun, desire, pleasure, patience, and acceptance/celebration. Because of that and, in conjunction with the description, I propose we rename it to: gentleness. That seems more appealing than ‘patience’ but it still communicates a similar feeling. What do you think?

ACCEPTANCE/CELEBRATION as a Sexual Expression   

How does the thought of ‘all of me’ loving and being known by you, speak to you? How does it feel when your spouse doesn’t just ‘love’ you but also likes you and is proud of you? If given the choice, would you pick words of value and gratitude as a part of your sexual experience? This might be your innate expression.

Immature Expressions

All of these expressions also have immature counterparts. It’s typically selfish and even demanding. They may confuse sex for love. This unhealthy version could have been prompted by neglect, trauma, sexual abuse or addiction. But by using this information to grow in your understanding  (as an individual first),  you can still make the changes you want to… Upgrade Your Sex Life.

ROADBLOCKS to Healthy Sexual Expression

Stay tuned for the next post about possible Roadblocks that have gotten you stuck in your process. You may not be aware of past experiences that have hurt you. You may have buried them deep, but know they’re there. It’s time for your healing.  

 Your Personal Pushback

Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter how much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.

I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.

From Invisible to Living Out Loud

Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.

Don’t let your past rob your future.

Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session