Upgade Your Sex Life Book Study 3
Dr. Douglas Weiss’ book is nothing short of groundbreaking! Not only do the 5 sexual expressions (Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience/Gentleness, and Accept/Celebrate) provide objective descriptions, but there’s more support to find out WHY strains of immaturity are present. That’s today’s topic: Roadblocks.
Who Does This Apply To
There are some clarifications needed before the roadblocks are addressed. First of all, these roadblocks are not about interpersonal communication, meaning joint issues for both spouses. Second, if you recognize your own story here, take action. Third, if this seems to be your spouse, be supportive. Fourth, if your spouse does not take action, be ready to seek your own support to know how to manage your part of the marriage. Lastly, Roadblocks are typically from before your current relationship/marriage. Therefore, you are neither the cause nor the cure.
Roadblock #1: Abuse
Abuse looks like MORE than the normal bumps of childhood. It can fall on either extreme: intentional and physical harm or neglect, even to withhold medical care. Parents themselves may be immature, addicted or suffer a mood disorder. In my words, they may be repeating how there saw their own parents react.
In an emotional setting, parents may create an environment that isn’t safe for sharing feelings or being honest. They may not support the uniqueness of their child… you. This can be communicated verbally (ridicule, control) or nonverbally (silence, avoidance).
Sexual abuse causes feelings of worthlessness, shame, fear, lack of trust, and compensation through over performing and over-giving. I’d add ‘over-explaining, over-apologizing, and overly taking responsibility for faults and tasks that are not your own’.
Sexual abuse also affects sexual behavior on both extremes; from hypersexual to diminished desire to totally disconnected, even a fantasy or blank state of mind.
Sexual neglect towards a child or adolescent looks like NOT providing appropriate information and education on ~body changes, ~the meaning of sex, ~the standards of your family or culture, and ~the relational aspects of sex, i.e. we show love and commitment as a husband ad wife in our marriage through sexual intimacy.
If the effects of sexual abuse is NOT addressed it will: LIMIT how you give and receive Inside and Outside the BEDROOM.
Roadblock #2 Addiction
All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development. All addictions rob the emotional, spiritual and moral development.
That is worth repeating. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping. The addict:
· Emotes like a 13-15 year-old
· Can’t define right from wrong
· Cant’ take responsibility (for self)
· Lives in a fantasy world
· Thinks they can do as they please, without consequences
But in recovery, after moving from immature to healthy, they can connect and have even greater sex!
Sexual Addiction
· Limits the ability to be authentic
· Includes pornography, masturbation, sexting and hookups
· Causes comparison which creates dissatisfaction
It can bring about:
· Betrayal (there’s a struggler and a partner)
· STDs
· Job loss, financial loss
· Erosion of family
Roadblock #3 Anorexia
Although we typically think of this term in regards to an eating disorder of withholding food, Dr. Weiss has coined a term, intimacy anorexia. One partner withholds emotional, spiritual or sexual intimacy. The partner feels alone, disconnected, unnoticed, and unwanted.
How does it happen? Distance is created by:
· Being busy – with work, kid’s projects, even helping at church
· Speaking blame – I’m doing these things because of you
· Withholding love and praise
In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner. In general, this partner is UNABLE to share feelings with their partner.
Yes, this is also worth repeating. This kind of distance is NOT just a certain personality type that has a problem opening up. It is also NOT because they don’t know how or they are afraid. It is an intentional withholding.
It may be the most noticeable in:
· Criticism
· Anger/Silence
· Money usage that is manipulated
· Roommate Status – with no blow-ups, but also no closeness
Ho w to Resolve
I disagree strongly with Dr. Weiss on how to bring recovery to this issue. I won’t even state his suggestions. I employ 5 R’s to bring healing.
1. Recognize impact (You have to acknowledge what is happening.)
2. Release lies/wounds (Your identity and value has been jeopardized by this hurt.)
3. Replace with God’s Truth (You can choose what God promises and the love HE has for you.)
4. Restore wholeness (You create a new lifestyle of choices that honor you.)
5. Reclaim identity (You see and receive the power and blessing of being God’s child.)
Your Power in Your Sexual Intimacy
Learning how to be responsible for what you want in your sex life, what asking for sex looks like (in a healthy way), and applying practical phrases for being a clear communicator are the last thoughts we’ll cover. This is the practical application of the entire book. Don’t miss next week’s video or blog!
Your Personal Pushback
Petrified? That’s the most common feeling when talking about sex. Maybe you are truly interested in learning more, but it just makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s stirring up lots of memories and mixed feelings. The thought of really diving deep (no matter who much you need to) is more than you can do on your own. It’s going to be okay. That’s what I’m here for.
I once was in your shoes, stuck in a cycle of sexual dysfunction. All of the components were there- other people’s behavior, mixed messages from the church, and my own low sense of myself. I was a mess for sure.
Father God walked me through a process of healing. I went from feeling invisible to living out loud. I can help you on your journey, too, as a woman or as a couple. Together, we can find your way to being heard, understood and loved.
Don’t let your past rob your future.
Set up a call today to see how you can Upgrade Your Sex Life, in a holistic way- spirit, soul and body. https://calendly.com/mary-19/relationship-breakthrough-session
